


Hopelessly Devoted to You

by notcrypticbutcoy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, M/M, Malec, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, mentions of domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrypticbutcoy/pseuds/notcrypticbutcoy
Summary: When Magnus Bane walks into Alec’s third grade classroom, a scowl printed on his face and a permanent chip on his shoulder, Alec has no idea that, one day, this scrawny smart-ass will mean the world to him.He has even less idea that he’ll mean just as much to Magnus.In which Magnus and Alec are destined for each other, everyone around them can see it, and sometimes, love is found in the most unexpected places.(Childhood best friends to lovers AU, set over fifteen years.)





	1. New York State Of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there’s a new boy in class, he’s a bit weird, but, really, everyone’s a bit weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! It’s the SH Big Bang fic I’ve been banging (ha ha, geddit, I’m hilarious) on about for the last few months! 
> 
> A few things:
> 
> Thank you so much to [Brit](https://ithinkimightbelost925.tumblr.com) for beta-ing and to [Julianne](https://bloodboneandmuscle.tumblr.com) for the incredible artwork that accompanies a later chapter of this fic! You’ve both been absolutely incredible and lovely, so thank you!
> 
> (Also thanks to [Nin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malteser24/pseuds/Malteser24) for cheerleading and reassuring me that I wasn’t creating a total mess!)
> 
> Some warnings:  
> \- this fic does feature a minor character death (Magnus’ mother) and while the death is not at all seen in the narrative, the aftereffects are, so be warned.  
> \- check the tags for some additional things that are worth watching out for - mentions of domestic abuse, homophobia, etc.  
> \- suicide is mentioned (in the context of the minor character death), as is emotional abuse
> 
> This fic isn’t all doom and gloom, I promise! Lots of it is light and silly and fluffy - but the middle gets a lil bit angsty. 
> 
> I’m going to be using a song for each chapter title, just for a bit of fun (and a throwback to my very early fandom days, pre-AO3...) Song for this chapter: Billy Joel’s New York State Of Mind!
> 
> This fic, as the summary says, spans the course of fifteen years. Ages are at the top of each chapter :)
> 
> Much love,  
> Lu <3

**Some folks like to get away,**  
**Take a holiday from the neighborhood**  
**Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood**  
**But I'm takin' a Greyhound on the Hudson River line**  
**I'm in a New York state of mind**

*******

__Age 8

There was someone new standing at the front of Alec’s third grade classroom.

As a general rule, Alec didn’t harbour much fondness for new kids who appeared halfway through the semester. Their arrival tended to lend towards unnecessary awkwardness and forced cheer and repeated comments from the teachers that the rest of them had to be _nice_.

Alec wasn’t very good at that.

This boy was scowling. He stood beside the teacher’s desk while the rest of them filed in, hard brown eyes following them all across the room.

He was a scrawny kid, Alec thought, from where he was sitting in his seat next to Simon Lewis by the broken window that was pleasant in the heat of September but torturous in the latter weeks of January. He didn’t look particularly short, or weak, but he was the sort of boy his grandmother would have used to insist on feeding triple portions.

Mrs Fray called them to attention, offering the room a genial smile that made Alec want to mirror the new boy’s expression. She was too happy. It annoyed him.

“We’ve got a new addition to our class this semester,” she said, placing what was probably supposed to be a comforting hand on the new boy’s shoulder. He stared at it like it was sprouting fangs. “This is Magnus Bane. Magnus, would you like to tell the rest of the class where you’re from?”

Magnus pulled the sort of face that said that no, he most certainly did not want to tell the rest of the class where he was from, thank you very much.

“Ohio,” he said. As he spoke, his gaze flitted across the faces of his new classmates with something partway between dislike and wariness in his eyes.

Mrs Fray smiled encouragingly. “What about where you’re originally from?”

With a great inhale, Magnus cast his gaze skyward as though silently praying to a deity he had absolutely no belief in, and said, “Jakarta. That’s in Indonesia.”

“Does anyone know where Indonesia is?” Mrs Fray asked the rest of the class. When she was met with only blank stares, she drew Magnus towards the large world map on the wall to ask if he would be able to point to it.

“Excellent,” she said, beaming. “Could someone come and show Magnus where New York is on this map?”

Several hands shot into the air, with Maisie Johnson at the back squealing her enthusiasm as she stretched up as high as she could without actually getting out of her seat. Alec slightly wanted to throw her out of the broken window.

“New York is here,” Magnus said, voice cold, pointing to the map and drawing a line around the shape of the state with the tip of his finger. Then he pointed to Manhattan. “New York City is here. I’m Asian, not stupid.”

For a long, heavy moment, there was pin-drop silence in the classroom as every kid in there gaped at Magnus. Mrs Fray, too, was staring at him in wide eyed astonishment. Alec felt one corner of his mouth turn up. Magnus moved towards and empty desk at the back of the room beside Alec and Simon’s, ignoring everyone else in the room, and sat down without another word.

Mrs Fray seemed to regather her wits. She made a little shaking motion with her head, plastered her perpetual smile of condescending _I-teach-sweet-little-eight-year-olds_ back on her face, and announced that they would begin the week by revisiting the math they’d done last week.

As she turned her back on the class, Alec couldn’t help glancing across at the new boy, who was sitting at a desk alone.

He clearly sensed Alec looking at him, because his eyes flickered up and he shot Alec an irritated, _what?_ sort of expression. Alec raised an eyebrow at him, trying not to smile, as though to say, _touché_.

Magnus merely stared at him for a moment longer, looking him up and down, and then turned back to the workbook that had clearly been left on the desk for him.

Beside Alec, Simon remained utterly oblivious to the exchange that was the spark to start the fire.

*******

**I've seen all the movie stars in their fancy cars and their limousines  
** Been high in the Rockys under the evergreens  
I know what I'm needin', and I don't want to waste more time  
I'm in a New York state of mind

*******

Alec didn’t speak to Magnus until his second week.

The other boy seemed to keep to himself, sending the bullies and the piss-takers on their way with a sharp glare and a well-constructed quip that surpassed the knowledge of the English language that most eight year olds had. Unfortunately - or perhaps not, if that was what Magnus was going for - it also intimidated everyone else so much that they daren’t approach.

It wasn’t until a freezing Tuesday lunchtime that Alec saw Magnus display anything other than mild irritation or immense dislike.

He’d been quiet all morning, which wasn’t particularly unusual, but Alec had noticed that he kept his head down in class, rather than meeting the nosey stares and quiet sniggers with a cool, level glare.

At lunch, across the playground, Alec could see Magnus sitting on one of the swings with a book open on his lap, pointedly ignoring two boys and a girl who were clearly trying their damnedest to get a reaction out of Magnus.

Alec could sort of understand their curiosity. Magnus was so unlike any other kid he’d ever met. He was so...closed off.

“Do you think he’s talking to them?” Alec asked, while he and Simon lingered halfway up the stiff rope net climbing frame, hanging on by gloved fingers.

“Huh?” Simon followed his gaze and snorted. “No. He never talks to anyone. He’s really weird.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “He’s not weird.”

“Uh, yeah. He is. But so am I. And so are you. I’m not being mean, it’s just true.”

Raucous laughter erupted from across the playground. The group around Magnus had tripled in size, and, even from the top of a climbing frame several feet away, Alec could see that Magnus was gripping his book hard enough to turn his knuckles pale. One of the boys said something with a wicked glint in his eyes, and Magnus clenched his jaw.

“Alec,” Simon said, warningly. “Don’t do it.”

Alec pressed his lips together, watching on. Magnus looked like he was going to fling his book in their faces—frankly, Alec wouldn’t have blamed him. He’d had the urge himself.

A loud, mocking _“Ooooh!”_ rang out from across the playground. Magnus had surged up and was leaning into the boy’s face, eyes narrowed and fingers curled hard into his palms.

“Alec—”

But Alec was already leaping down from the climbing frame, one hand coming out to meet to wood chips covering the area beneath to break his fall. He ignored Simon and took off across the rain-slicked concrete.

“Whose mom forgets to pick them up, huh?” the boy was asking, while everyone around him laughed. “Losers’, that’s whose.”

“Hey!” Alec glared at the group amassed around Magnus, voice ringing out across the playground and stunning them into silence. Alec didn’t make a habit of picking fights with his classmates. He definitely didn’t tend to step into the midst of one that had nothing to do with him. “Leave him alone.”

“Naw, come on, Alec,” one of the girls said. “We’re just—”

“Yeah, whatever,” Alec said, rolling his eyes and pushing past her. “I don’t care.”

Magnus was eyeing him with a wide, suspicious glare that lacked some of its usual ferocity. He was still, silent, not making any attempt to defend himself, nor to tell Alec to get lost as he neared. Behind them, the crowd was beginning to disperse with a few low mutterings. Alec and Magnus ignored them.

When Alec reached for Magnus’ arm to pull him away from the crowd, as he was acting like he’d become a tree and had grown roots tethering him to the spot, Magnus jerked away and took a pointed step back.

“Look, just chill, okay?” Alec said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m not gonna hit you. I just made them leave you alone, didn’t I?”

Magnus frowned. “I didn’t need your help.”

“You know, _thank you_ would have been fine.”

“Fine. Thank you.” Magnus scowled at him. “Will you go away now?”

Alec sighed. “I hate everyone too, but it’s really kinda boring if that’s all you can do here. Look, Simon, over there?” Alec pointed to Simon, who was gaping at them from where he was still hanging on the climbing frame. “He’s cool and everything, but he likes people too much. And he talks all the time.”

Magnus’ lips quirked as though he were about to smile, but then he pressed them together, suppressing it. “My mom tells me off for talking too much.”

Alec raised his eyebrows. “You sure don’t talk much around here.”

Magnus shrugged. “I didn’t like anyone.”

“You _didn't_?”

He shrugged again. “Maybe you’re okay.”

Suddenly feeling shy, Alec shot him a lop-sided smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, maybe. You don’t wanna ask why they were all picking on me?”

Alec huffed out a little laugh. “Magnus, everyone knows what happened yesterday. I don’t need to ask.”

Something about the reply seemed to throw Magnus off. He stared at Alec in surprise. “Then why didn’t you say anything about it?”

“Why should I? My mom’s never forgotten to pick me up, but my dad forgot to pick my sister up from ballet practise once. He’s a businessman. He was working late. Mom still hasn’t let it go.”

Magnus raised his eyebrows. “He’s a businessman? Does that mean he has a lot of money?”

The question made Alec pause, his family’s wealth not being something he’d ever given much thought to. “I guess so. My mom is too. Well. Kind of. She’s a lawyer.” Magnus’ eyes were downcast, something odd playing across his face. It made Alec frown. “What’s wrong?”

“My mom doesn’t have a lot of money,” Magnus said quietly. “She’s a nurse. She had to work an extra shift because she didn’t have enough money to pay our rent. I don’t have a dad.”

Alec’s eyes widened. “Holy shi— sugar.”

Magus looked up at him, defensiveness obvious in the tense line of his shoulders and the tight set to his jaw. “My mom didn’t just forget me. And it’s not her fault we don’t have much money.”

“I get it,” Alec said, holding up his hands palms-forward, although perhaps he didn’t really. “Do you want to come play with me and Simon or not?”

After a moment of hesitation, Magnus nodded. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

*******

**It was so easy livin' day by day  
** Out of touch with the rhythym and blues  
But now I need a little give and take  
The New York Times, the Daily News

*******

That afternoon, a woman stood by the school gates with a warm smile, and Magnus’ deep brown eyes and bronze skin. Magnus was standing beside Alec and Simon with his rucksack on, an odd feeling of fluttering nervousness in his chest. It felt good, whatever it was—like bubbles floating along on the wind on a warm sunny day.

Magnus glanced over at Alec just before he headed over to his mother. “Bye,” he said.

Alec looked surprised, but he smiled at Magnus and said, “Bye.”

His mother greeted him with a kiss to the forehead. “How was your day?” she asked, offering him her hand as they walked out towards the bus.

Magnus liked New York. He didn’t remember Indonesia, not really. Beyond their tiny little house and the equally small farm it backed onto, he just remembered the heat of the sun. He’d hated Ohio. They’d lived in a small town, and the people there didn’t understand him, or his mother. They’d seen their skin before anything else.

But he liked New York. He’d expected it to be little better than Ohio, but it was so much better. The people were all too busy living their own lives to worry too much about anyone else. Alright, it was cold and it was dirty and everything moved so quickly it was hard to keep up sometimes, but he liked it.

“It was good,” he said, and paused before he added, “I think I made a friend. Maybe two.”

His mother raised both eyebrows, smiling down at him. “That’s great, Magnus.”

“His name’s Alec,” Magnus told her. “He’s nice. And he doesn’t like our teacher much either. And his friend is called Simon, and I think he might talk even more than me.”

She laughed. “Wow. I’m gonna have to meet this boy, huh? Someone who can talk more than you? I don’t believe you.”

Magnus stuck his tongue out at her, which, of course, only made her laugh harder.

*******

**It comes down to reality, and it's fine with me cause I've let it slide  
** I don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside  
I don't have any reasons  
I left them all behind  
I'm in a New York state of mind

*******

“Hey.”

Alec glanced up from where he was labelling a diagram of the solar system, wondering when they could do something a bit more interesting in science. Or just something they hadn’t done a hundred times before.

Shoulders curled in on himself in an unusual display of nervousness, Magnus stood by his desk with a worksheet and pencil clutched in one hand.

“Hey,” Alec echoed, confused but not displeased. He liked Magnus. He was...different.

“Can I sit here?” Magnus gestured to the absent Simon’s seat.

“Yeah.” Alec waited for Magnus to sit, and then said, “If I asked my mom if you could come over, would you like that?”

Magnus blinked. “What?”

Alec shrugged. “Like, a sleepover, or at the weekend, or something.”

Magnus appeared cautious as he said, “Why?”

“For fun? Watch a movie, eat food, meet my siblings—”

Magnus’ eyes were strangely wide. “Really?”

Alec nodded. “Really.”

“Yeah.” Magnus turned his gaze back to his worksheet and began to write ‘Venus’ in the right box. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

*******

**It was so easy living day by day  
** Out of touch with the rhythym and blues  
But now I need a little give and take  
The New York Times, the Daily News

*******

Alec’s house was huge.

That was Magnus’ first impression as he followed Alec and his mother through the front door, Alec’s siblings bounding in ahead of them with shouts of glee.

He’d known as soon as they’d pulled up into the driveway, encased in a smart silver Mercedes saloon that had made Magnus nervous just due to how clearly expensive it was, that the Lightwood house was going to seem like a mansion.

“Hey.”

Magnus glanced across from where he was staring at the soft cream carpets, the shining hardwood floors, and the sleek mahogany furniture. Alec had kicked off his shoes, discarding them next to his siblings’, and was fixing Magnus with a half-smile.

“Huh?”

Alec raised his eyebrows. “Mom made sandwiches, and Izzy guilted Dad into buying chocolate brownies. Want some?”

Magnus nodded, and followed Alec towards the kitchen as he said, “Guilted?”

“She can’t cook,” Alec said. “She always needs supervision. Dad didn’t do very well at supervising, so she told him it was his fault that they came out so badly, so he had to buy some to make up for his poor job.”

Magnus’ lips quirked up. “So your sister is seven years old and already manipulating everyone?”

“Basically.”

In the kitchen, Isabelle and Jace had already commandeered two seats at a white marble island set into the middle of the room, and were in the process of tearing open a plus size packet of chips and pouring them into a bowl.

“Sandwich?” Isabelle offered, pushing a towering plate towards Magnus. When he took one, she followed up with, “Alec doesn’t have friends over very often.”

Magnus glanced over at Alec out of the corner of his eye, and, fascinated, watched as Alec’s cheeks turned faintly pink.

“Shut up, Iz,” Alec muttered, taking a handful of chips and shoving several into his mouth inelegantly.

“Nope,” Isabelle said, grinning. “We’re gonna watch a movie later. And Magnus gets to choose.”

“Only if his choice doesn’t suck,” Jace added, and Magnus caught Alec rolling his eyes at his brother’s response.

“My choices never suck,” Magnus told him firmly. “Other people just have poor taste.”

For a moment, Jace just stared at Magnus, clearly more than a little taken aback at Magnus’ response. Magnus held his gaze, one eyebrow slightly lifted in challenge.

Then Jace shrugged. “Fair.”

Beside him, Magnus didn’t notice Alec smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d absolutely love to know what you guys think! Let me know in the comments!


	2. Somewhere Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it snows, parents are awful, and Magnus and Alec have a sleepover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Somwhere Only We Know by Keane

**I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river, and it made me complete  
**

*******

Age 11

It was snowing when Alec woke, early on a Friday morning in January.

Of course, the sight of a thick blanket of snow layered across the world outside their bedroom windows sent Isabelle, Jace and little two-year-old Max into a rather loud flurry of excitement. Alec would have joined in - who didn’t like the snow? - but for the looks on his parents’ faces at the breakfast table.

“This is going to be bad for the shipment,” Robert said, ignoring the palpable but forcedly silenced anticipation of his children.

Maryse didn’t look up from her laptop, continuing to type while she took a long swig of coffee. “Mm. It’s going to be bad for my entire day. Court will be a nightmare.”

“You’re not at court today.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No.” Robert looked annoyed, as though he knew more about his wife’s work schedule than he did. “You’re—”

Maryse slammed the lid of her laptop closed and silence descended in the kitchen, the sound of Jace trying to persuade Max to eat his breakfast evaporating. Something strange seemed to pass between Alec’s parents without either of them saying a word.

“We’re leaving in fifteen minutes,” Maryse said sharply. “Hodge is picking you up.”

With that, she swept up her laptop and left the kitchen without a word.

*******

**Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin  
**

*******

The moment Magnus spotted Maryse Lightwood’s car pull up outside the school gates, he peeled off from the intense debate unfurling about whether ice hockey or football was better, scooped up a handful of snow, and rounded it carefully between his palms as he eyed the Lightwoods.

Isabelle was the first to descend, wrapped up in a deep crimson scarf and a matching hat pulled low on her head. She spared a moment to kiss her mother on the cheek, and then bounded off towards her friends without turning back.

A dark, messy head of hair followed the riveting gold out, shoulders tensed and coat done up to his throat. Alec’s eyes looked a little blank as they roamed vaguely around the yard.

The moment Alec was a safe distance away from Maryse, Magnus threw. The snowball landed square on his chest, splattering fluffy flakes of white across the navy blue of his coat like icing dusted across cupcakes.

Their eyes met. A lopsided smile pulled a Magnus’ lips; after a moment, Alec’s expression turned brighter.

“I am so gonna dump snow down the back of your coat,” Alec told him as he came within earshot, grinning.

“Yeah?” Magnus raised his eyebrows. “Is that a challenge?”

“Absolutely.” Alec flashed him a smirk.

Something over Magnus’ shoulder captured Alec’s gaze, and he frowned into the grey-white haze of the morning snowfall. Magnus mirrored his expression, about to turn around to investigate whatever was making Alec frown, when Alec gripped his shoulders and yanked him to one side.

Several handfuls of hardening ice catapulted to the floor with a thud, breaking open and shattering on the blanket of snow covering the ground. Magnus stared at it.

When he looked up, Sebastian Morgenstern was watching them with a frown, displeasure clear on his face.

“You’re such a spoilsport, Lightwood.”

Alec narrowed his eyes. “Go freeze someone else’s ass.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened. “I’m going to get you in trouble for swearing.”

“Sure,” Alec said, completely unbothered as he dropped his hands from Magnus’ shoulders and turned his back on Sebastian. “Whatever you say.”

As they crossed the parking lot to head towards the warmth of the building, Magnus shook his head. “Moron. I really don’t need his crap today.”

“Bad morning?”

“The worst,” Magnus said, mind flashing briefly to his mother’s new boyfriend before forcing himself to focus on the present.

“Me too. And for once, not caused by Jace.”

Magnus raised his eyebrows. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Alec scuffed at the snow with his shoe, and then glanced up at Magnus, offering him a half-smile. “But never mind. I’m more interested in shoving snow down your coat and planning out our sleepover.”

Magnus huffed at him. “So Sebastian isn’t allowed to ice me, but you are?”

“Yup.” Alec grinned. “Best friend privileges.”

Muttering about how that totally was not a thing, Magnus rolled his eyes. Secretly, however, he couldn’t help but feel a little pleased.

*******

**I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?**

*******

Magnus’ house was significantly smaller than Alec’s, but he liked it so much more.

The moment they skidded through the doorway - both red-nosed, Magnus bundled up in twice as many clothes as Alec because, however much he liked New York, he still hated the cold - they were assaulted by the wafting scent of hot chocolate coming from the kitchen.

Magnus flicked his snow-covered scarf at Alec as they disentangled themselves from coats and gloves and scarves, and Alec retorted by reaching up to ruffle Magnus’ hair with ice-cold fingers.

“I hope you boys aren’t getting snow all over my carpets!”

“No, Mama!” Magnus shouted, shooting Alec a grin.

Alec could hear Magnus’ mother muttering something under her breath in the kitchen, but she sounded fond, rather than angry. His own mother would have stalked out to inspect their every inch before letting them loose in her house after being out in the snow.

“Come on,” Magnus said, reaching out to tug Alec along by the elbow. “I’m cold. Let’s get some hot chocolate, and then I’ll ask if we can light the fire.”

Sinta Bane sat in the kitchen, nursing what smelt to Alec like a cup of coffee between her hands. Why adults were so obsessed with coffee, he really didn’t understand.

She smiled at them as they traipsed in, and nodded towards two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. “Have at it, boys.”

“Thank you,” they said, in perfect sync, and her smile widened.

“Can we light the fire?” Magnus asked, picking up his mug and taking an eager gulp. Alec was a little more cautious—just because Magnus had an unfortunate habit of burning his tongue on hot drinks didn’t mean that Alec was impatient enough to adopt his friend’s tendencies.

“Of course. There should be enough wood in the basket. Just promise to be careful. If you need help, call.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mama, I know. You taught me how to light a fire when I was six. I know how to do it.”

Sinta shook her head, lips twitching. “You know how to do far too much, Magnus. Have you two got homework?”

Alec nodded. “Not much, though.”

Sinta sent them off with a sharp reminder to get their work done early so that they didn’t have to spend all weekend worrying about it, and told Alec that she’d let his parents know that he’d got to Magnus’ safely. Alec was fairly sure that his parents hadn’t even remembered that he was going, despite his frequent reminders, but he didn’t tell Sinta that. She knew. She’d worked it out fairly quickly after all the times their tutor, Hodge, had been the one to pick him up and take him home.

Upstairs in the little loft conversion that was possibly Alec’s favourite room in the world, they wasted no time in yanking open the little door to the fireplace and set about finding some kindling, screwing up some old newspaper, and finding the little box of matches.

It was only once Alec had finished layering up the newspaper and had a match out, ready to light, that he realised he’d done most of it himself. Magnus was sitting back on his knees, watching him with bright eyes and messy hair, grinning.

“What?” Alec asked, pausing with the match resting against the side of the box, unlit. “Did I do it wrong?”

“No, you did it right,” Magnus told him. “You did it completely right. Without any help.”

Alec shrugged. “You’re a good teacher,” he said, and struck the match. He set the tip against the newspaper, waiting for it to catch fire before he pulled back and shook the flame out.

After closing the door, the pair of them rose from the rug to collapse onto the beanbag set on the floor beside the sofa. The sofa was old, well-worn with stitches that had come unpicked and holes in the fabric through which stuffing had begun to tumble out, but the beanbag was where they always gravitated.

Magnus flicked on the TV in the corner, while Alec took the opportunity to gaze up at the night sky through the Velux window.

The first time he’d ever been to Magnus’ house had been during the summer of third grade. Magnus’ mother had made them ham sandwiches, and they’d eaten them sitting on the rug beneath the open window, watching people pass by on the road outside, making up silly stories about them and giggling when a man had caught them staring at his hair—bright pink streaked with a shocking shade of lime green.

“Hey, Magnus?” Alec said, noticing something odd discarded on atop a stack of Magnus’ books that sat in the corner of the room.

Magnus looked over at him. “Yeah?”

“Why do you have antihistamines?”

Magnus looked at him as though he was being completely stupid. “Because you have allergic reactions to random flowers. I haven’t developed hayfever by osmosis just being around you.”

Alec didn’t really know what osmosis was, but he got the gist of what Magnus was saying. “You keep medication around here for me? How did you even know that I’m allergic to some flowers?”

“You spent all day sneezing when Mrs Fray had lilies on her desk that day in third grade, and you get all sniffly when your mom has flowers around at home. Although not orchids. Or roses. Or those sunflowers we grew at school last year. And— Why are you looking at me like that?”

Nothing could have kept the smile blooming across Alec’s face. He felt a little shy, with Magnus listing off all this knowledge about his allergies like it was the sort of thing he should just know, just because.

“Because even my parents haven’t worked out which kinds of flowers I’m allergic to and which I’m not.”

Magnus looked at him for a moment, silent, as though considering what to say. “Well,” he said, something strangely careful in his voice. “It’s not hard to figure out.”

“Hm.” Turning his attention to the film playing across the TV screen, Alec settled himself back against the beanbag and leant his head against Magnus’ shoulder. “Thanks. For noticing.”

“You’re welcome.”

*******

**Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin**

*******

The sounds of soft laughter floating up the stairs woke Alec from slumber. He hadn’t realised that he’d been on the verge of falling asleep against Magnus’ shoulder, but outside the sky was pitch black, and the TV was playing something else, so he presumed that he’d been dozing for a while.

“Sorry,” he said, rubbing at his eyes. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

The sound of his voice startled Magnus. Blank brown eyes turned on Alec, and Magnus blinked several times, as though clearing something from his mind.

“It’s fine,” he said, quietly. “Want to watch something else? Or—”

Footsteps passing over the creaking floorboards at the top of the stairs interrupted Magnus. The door was thrown open, and two entangled figures tumbled through.

The laughter cut off abruptly as the man with his hands on Sinta’s hips caught sight of the two boys staring at him. Magnus’ expression was cold; Alec’s perplexed. He’d never seen a man around Magnus’ home before. Magnus’ father was dead—had died in Indonesia, when Magnus was a child. That was why Magnus and Sinta had moved to the US.

“Oh.” Sinta had the grace to look embarrassed as she extracted herself from the man’s grasp and took a few steps towards Magnus, looking a little hesitant. “I didn’t realise you two were still up. I thought you’d be asleep by now.”

Magnus spared a moment to glare at the man lingering in the doorway, arms folded and biceps bulging in a t-shirt that was far too tight, before fixing his frigid gaze on his mother. “We fell asleep. We were just going to start watching something else.”

They weren’t - in fact, Alec had been about to tell Magnus that he wanted to go to sleep, or at least curl up in Magnus’ bedroom and just talk in bed for a bit - but he didn’t correct him. He felt horribly out of place, like he shouldn’t have been there at all.

“It’s very late,” Sinta said, not unkindly. Alec didn’t know what the time was, but there was relative quiet on the street outside - at least, as much quiet as there ever was in New York - and he could make out little through the window, save for stars and the low orange of a cheap streetlight. “Maybe you two should go to bed, now.”

Alec opened his mouth to agree, because he could tell that, despite the gentleness, it wasn’t really a suggestion, but closed it abruptly when he saw the look on Magnus’ face. The request clearly didn’t sit well with Magnus. Even if Alec didn’t understand, his loyalty to his friend overcame his desire to be polite.

“You didn’t tell me anyone was coming over,” Magnus said, words like ice that bit into the warmth of the room.

Sinta glanced over her shoulder at the man and smiled briefly. “Didn’t I?”

“No. You didn’t.”

Privately, Alec thought that if he pointed it out every time his parents had people over without telling him and his siblings about it beforehand, he’d never have time in his life to do anything else. For whatever reason, however, it was clear that something about this particular man set Magnus on edge.

Sinta exhaled, clearly sensing that dancing around her son’s mood with forcedly cheerful words and tactful turns of phrase wasn’t working. “Magnus, I’ve asked you nicely once. It’s time to go to bed.”

“Is _he_ staying?” Magnus shot the mysterious man the kind of utterly revolted look that he might have thrown a murderer. The man smirked back at him, and rolled his eyes at Sinta, as though to say, _kids_.

Alec bristled where he sat. Nobody got to patronise Magnus. He narrowed his eyes.

“Sure am, kid,” the guy said, voice thick with the sort of New York accent that made Alec’s parents turn up their noses and sniff haughtily. Alec didn’t very often think there was any need for that kind of reaction. This man, however, made him want to do more than sniff.

Magnus gritted his teeth. “Mom—”

“Kid, she’s told you twice. Get out of here.”

Being addressed by the man like that made Magnus’ temper flare up instantly. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do,” he spat. “You are not my father.”

“No, Magnus, but I am your mother,” Sinta said, “and Marcus is right. That’s enough, now. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Magnus stared at her for a long, heavy moment, fury shining in his eyes as he ground his teeth together. More than that, Alec realised—betrayal. Betrayal at his mother taking her boyfriend’s side over his.

“I _hate_ you,” Magnus said, to his mother or to Marcus or perhaps to both, and then fled the room. He thundered down the stairs and slammed his bedroom door so loudly Alec could feel the reverberations through the floor.

Wide-eyed, Alec’s gaze flickered from the open doorway to Sinta, conflicted and uncertain and feeling utterly out of his depth as Sinta sighed and pinched her nose, turning away.

“Scram,” Marcus said, and, although Alec didn’t take quite so much offence as Magnus had, the address only served to fan the flames of rage he felt on Magnus’ behalf.

He shut the door loudly on his way out.

Alec knocked lightly on Magnus’ bedroom door before pushing it open a crack, peering round to look in.

“Go away,” Magnus snapped, from where he sat in the middle of his bed, knees drawn up to his chest and arms loose around them.

“It’s me,” Alec said, and the tension bled out of Magnus’ shoulders. “Can I come in?”

Magnus nodded, so Alec pushed the door shut and crawled onto the bed beside him.

“Who was that?” Alec asked softly.

“My mom’s boyfriend,” Magnus said, bitterness saturating his voice. “I hate him. He’s horrible. To me and to her.”

“Does she know? That he’s horrible to you?”

Magnus shrugged. “She doesn’t seem to care how he talks to me.”

“Magnus, your mom loves you,” Alec said, watching his friend worriedly. Magnus kept staring into space. “You should tell her.”

“She won’t listen. Can we just go to sleep and forget about it?”

Alec agreed, not wanting Magnus to get anymore upset. Magnus lent him some pyjamas, and they crept out into the bathroom to brush their teeth before clambering into bed and curling up beneath the thick duvet.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said into the darkness. “That I ruined our sleepover.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Alec said, reaching out to grip Magnus’ hand. To his surprise, Magnus gripped back tightly—bordering on desperately. “We had a fun afternoon and a great evening, and tomorrow is going to be just as awesome.”

Eyes adjusted to the darkness, Alec could just make out Magnus’ small smile. “Thank you, Alexander. You’re the best friend I could ask for.”

Tear tracks glimmered on Magnus’ cheeks, catching the narrow shaft of light that split in through the crack between the bottom of the door and the landing, but Alec didn’t mention it.

“Ditto,” was all he said, and pulled Magnus in for a hug.

Later, alone in the house but for her son and his friend, Sinta cracked open Magnus’ door as quietly as she could, unwilling to wake the sleeping boys. She smiled at the sight of them bundled close together beneath the duvet, sporting matching heads of messy dark hair with their limbs loosely tangled together.

Something in her ached for the simplicity of childhood, when the world appeared so clearly black and white, and when nothing could be marred by the bright red hues of passion. She longed for love as pure as the love Magnus and Alec had for each other—not that they had the language for it, she supposed. Children loved their families—she doubted they realised they could love beyond that. That they could love their friends. That their parents could love others.

She backed out, pulling the door shut with a soft little click, and thought to herself that maybe, if Magnus and Alec had each other’s backs in life, they’d find that things would be okay.

*******

**And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?**


	3. Teenage Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec has a secret, Magnus has one too, and neither of them are ready to say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Teenage Dream by Katy Perry (but this is the Glee cast version, because I have standards, you know?)

**You think I'm pretty without any make-up on  
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong  
I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down**

*******

Age 14

“Do you think Maia is pretty?”

Surprised, Alec glanced up from where he was trying exceptionally hard to decipher the long, complicated explanation of how to write ionic equations in his chemistry textbook.

He blinked at Jace. “What?”

“Maia. In my grade.” Jace met his gaze, papers and textbooks strewn across Alec’s bedroom floor. He’d interrupted Alec’s revision on the pretence of wanting help with math—Alec had known that was bullshit the moment the words came out of Jace’s mouth, but he hadn’t said anything. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

“Um.” The honest answer was _no, because I’ve never thought about it_ , but Alec knew that he was supposed to think about it, and he also knew that people already thought it was weird that he didn’t get his classmates’ abrupt obsession with the opposite sex. “Sure?”

Alec expected Jace to roll his eyes—but he didn’t. He frowned down at his homework, chewing absently on the end of a pencil, and said, “I think she’s pretty.”

Maia Roberts might have been a year younger than Alec, but he was fairly convinced that she would kick Jace in the crotch if he started talking about her the way Alec heard boys talk about girls when they thought adults were out of earshot.

“Izzy said they kissed,” Jace said, and Alec choked a little.

“ _What?_ ”

“Like, practise kissing. To practise for the real thing.” Jace shrugged. “Apparently it’s a girl thing. Practising with each other before kissing boys.”

Externally, Alec feigned his usual disinterest, but internally, he wondered, not for the first time, why he couldn’t be like everyone else. Why couldn’t he care about girls the way his younger brother did?

*******

**Before you met me, I was alright  
But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life  
Now every February you'll be my Valentine, Valentine**

*******

“Hey, Magnus.”

Magnus felt his cheeks go just a little hot at the sound of that voice carrying across the parking lot. He turned away from Alec to look up at Axel Ferson: tall, sixteen, smart, and, in the privacy of his own head, Magnus could admit, gorgeous.

Axel smiled at him, reaching out to ruffle his hair lightly, laughing when Magnus scowled at him and slapped his hand away before Axel had the chance to ruin his perfectly crafted hair. He’d got his hair routine down to a fine, but still evolving, art. Nobody was allowed to mess with it. “Fuck off.”

“The mouth on you,” Axel said, chuckling, lips curving into a brilliant grin. “Pretty sure we didn’t swear that much in ninth grade.”

Behind him, Alec muttered, “Pretty sure you did.”

If it were anyone else, Magnus would probably have admitted that Alec had a point. But it was Axel. His immediate instinct was to defend him. Even against the words of his painfully honest best friend.

“I just came over to check that someone gave you those AP textbooks yesterday,” Axel said, flicking his bright blue bangs out of his eyes with a sharp jerk of his head that Magnus found eminently fascinating.

“Yeah, I got them,” Magnus said.

Through his peripheries, Magnus caught Alec crossing his arms and staring into the distance with a hard look in his eyes. Something had been off with Alec all day, and Magnus was going to get to the bottom of it. It wasn’t just a bad mood. It was more than that.

“Great,” Axel said, smiling his brilliant, white-teeth-teen smile. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“Thursday?” Magnus frowned. “Why?”

“I’m going to the forensics lecture,” Axel told him, eyes bright. “I guessed you are, too.”

“Oh. Yeah, I am. I’ll see you there, then.”

Axel lifted his hand in a wave as he began to walk away, curling his fingers around the strap of his bag. “See you around, Magnus.”

Words of excitement about the lecture brimmed on the tip of Magnus’ tongue; one look at Alec’s stormy expression had them evaporating into the warm spring air. Instead, he tugged his jacket tighter around him and walked down the street beside Alec in stony silence.

After several tense minutes, Magnus couldn’t stop himself. He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, and if he had, Alec needed to tell him, not act like they were still ten.

“What is wrong with you today?” Magnus blurted out, perhaps a little less tactfully than he’d intended.

Alec’s eyes went wide. Caught off-guard for a moment, his expression slipped, hurt flashing across his face, before a thick layer of anger shuttered over it and he clenched his jaw.

“I don’t know, Magnus. My parents—”

“I’m sure everyone else buys that it’s because you’re upset about whatever weird shit is going on between your parents, but I don’t. I’m your best friend. I know you.”

Alec stared down at the sidewalk sullenly as they passed an elderly couple with a young, bouncing cocker-spaniel trotting beside them. “Nothing.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Maybe I’m just sick of all this–” he waved his hand vaguely “–obsessing.”

“Obsessing?” Magnus pressed his lips together firmly. “Are you talking about Axel?”

“No,” Alec said. He paused. “Maybe. I’m talking about _girls_. All I ever hear is goddamn girls, and I just don’t fucking care!”

Taken aback but Alec’s sudden outburst, Magnus gaped at him, eyes wide and jaw slack in mild shock. He’d noticed that Alec didn’t really partake in the conversations boys had about girls, of course he had, but he’d never really thought about it. Or realised that the topic was making Alec so uncomfortable.

Unless...

Unless Alec was getting grouchy about girls for exactly the same reason Magnus was becoming enamoured by Axel Ferson.

“Do you not like girls?” Magnus asked, as softly as he could.

Alec looked across at him and pulled a face, as though what Magnus had just asked was completely ludicrous. “Of course I like girls. I mean, some of them. Not all of them. Why would I hang out with any girls if I didn’t like them?”

A discarded chocolate wrapper on the sidewalk provided a convenient point of fixation for Magnus to avert his gaze to. The words stung, and he didn’t want to let Alec see it. It wasn’t as though he’d ever expected anything else - of course he hadn’t - but to have Alec so blatantly dismiss the whole concept with such a clear note of disgust...

Yeah. It stung.

“What?” Alec snapped. “What’s that look for?”

Magnus blinked rapidly. “Nothing,” he said, angry rather than upset.

“Bull.”

“For god’s sake, Alec, drop it,” Magnus told him, fingers clenching and unclenching around the strap of his rucksack.

Something in him wanted to rip it off his back and throw it, as hard as he possibly could, against a fragile surface. The thought of causing destruction was strangely satisfying. He could feel embarrassed, shame-fuelled rage churning inside of him, and it took everything in him to hold it back.

Alec remained infuriatingly stubborn. “You didn’t.”

“Well I wish I had!” Magnus said, voice rising and eyes flashing dangerously, like lightning cracking down behind mountaintops as a storm rolled over.

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because I didn’t expect you to say _that_!”

“What?” Alec threw his hands up as they came to a halt on the sidewalk, facing each other, all tensed shoulders and tight jaws and hot, fiery eyes. “That I don’t give a crap about which stupid girl you and Ragnor and Jace are talking about?”

“No!” Magnus was gesturing wildly with his hands as he spoke, unable to contain his frustration. “No, Alec, I don’t care about whether you’re interested in girl talk!”

“Well you should goddamn care!” Alec hollered. “It’s all you ever talk about, girls or stupid Axel, and I am sick of it!”

“ _I’m bisexual!_ ”

The words hung in the air the moment Magnus shouted them, silence descending in a suffocating blanket of frozen stares and wide-eyed shock. Alec didn’t seem to know what to say, mouth opening and closing several times before he eventually settled with his lips pressed together, rubbing at one hand with the opposite thumb—a clear sign of distress.

Why, Magnus couldn’t begin to imagine. Nor did he want to. He wasn’t surprised by Alec’s reaction—but it still hurt.

“Fine,” Magnus said, swallowing hard. “Fine. If that’s what you think, don’t ever talk to me again, Alec Lightwood.”

And he stormed off down the street with tears blurring the cracked concrete in front of him, leaving his friend standing stock-still and silenced behind him as he broke into a run, desperate to put as much distance between them as he possibly could.

*******

**Let's go all the way tonight  
No regrets, just love  
We can dance until we die  
You and I, we'll be young forever**

*******

“You gonna mope around all evening, or you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Isabelle asked, tossing a cushion at Alec from her position sprawled out on the sofa.

They’d been left to their own devices for the evening, with merely a note from Maryse telling them to behave, that they could order take-out, and that Alec was responsible for looking after Max until she and Robert made it home from work.

The note was unnecessary. They knew the drill.

Alec pinned Isabelle with a glare. “I’m fine, I’m just trying to do this stupid chemistry.”

Isabelle’s entire face lit up at the mention of one of her two favourite subjects, and she leapt up to peer over Alec’s shoulder. Her eyes scanned the page furiously, brow furrowing as she took in the words and equations and annoying little symbols that made Alec’s head hurt.

“Oh.” She looked a little disappointed. “We haven’t done enough for me to understand this. Why don’t you ask Magnus?”

Magnus was the only person Alec knew who liked chemistry as much as Isabelle did. Isabelle adored him for it. Alec thought they were both supremely weird, but he loved them both anyway. Maybe that just made him weird.

Of course, the mention of Magnus only served to make something in Alec hurt, deep inside—a physical ache that no amount of swallowing and blinking and distracting was going to get rid of.

He didn’t really understand how they’d got into such a vicious argument. Nor did he remember exactly what he’d said to prompt Magnus to come out so vehemently. But he remembered being so utterly taken aback that he’d just stood and stared at Magnus in lieu of goddamn saying something.

And then Magnus had run off and told Alec never to speak to him again.

Yeah. That had hurt. It felt like Magnus had reached into his chest and ripped his heart right out, crushing it in his hands and then tossing the remains carelessly on the ground.

Alec shrugged in response to Isabelle’s question. “It’s fine.”

Isabelle studied him with her sharp gaze, while Alec pointedly avoided meeting her eyes. “Did you two have an argument?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, Mom and Dad aren’t home.”

Alec looked up at her in exasperation. “Yes, and?”

“And therefore nobody can stop you catching the bus over there and making up with him.”

*******

**You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream  
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep  
Let's run away and don't ever look back  
Don't ever look back**

*******

Magnus slammed the front door, stormed up the stairs and shut himself in his room the moment he got home. He locked his bedroom door, ignoring his mother’s call, and collapsed against it. He drew his knees up, throat tight as he swallowed against the burning sensation of tears in his eyes and the sobs that were threatening to escape.

Never had he said those words aloud before. Not even to himself, for fear of someone overhearing. And the first time he had, to the one person in the world he’d thought he could always rely on— _this_. He’d never pegged Alec as a homophobe. Clearly, however, Maryse and Robert Lightwood’s traditionalist views had rubbed off on him.

“Magnus,” his mother said, knocking lightly on his door. “What’s the matter?”

“Go away,” Magnus told her, hugging his knees tightly.

God, he wanted Alec. He didn’t want to be at home. He wanted to be at Alec’s home, with Alec’s siblings, in Alec’s living room on Alec’s sofa, doing his homework beside the Lightwoods. Even being at home felt better with Alec there too.

Home didn’t feel quite the same as it used to. Not since Marcus had moved in. He still despised the man with every fibre of his being, and Marcus clearly didn’t feel too differently towards Magnus. His mother remained wilfully oblivious. Magnus loved her to pieces, and god, he wanted her to be happy, but he was sure that Marcus couldn’t possibly be someone who made her happy. Not when he made Magnus so miserable.

“Tell me what’s going on,” she said. “Did someone hurt you?”

“No.” Magnus shifted away from the door. He wanted to open it, wanted to be folded into her arms and let go, but it felt like so long since he last had—he wasn’t sure he still knew how to. Not with her. “Yes. Not physically.”

“Did you have a fight? With Alec?”

“Yeah,” Magnus said, a little more quietly than he’d meant to. He hated how small he sounded. He hated that his mother knew him so well.

“You’ll make up,” she said gently. “You always do.”

“No.” Magnus sniffled a little. “I told him something...personal. He didn’t like it. He’s not going to get over it.”

The doorbell rang before Sinta had a chance to respond.

*******

**My heart stops when you look at me  
Just one touch, now baby I believe  
This is real, so take a chance  
And don't ever look back, don't ever look back**

*******

Alec could tell the moment Sinta opened the door and pinned him with a cold stare that she knew at least some of what had transpired between him and Magnus that afternoon. It only served to make him feel worse.

“Alec,” she said, not yet stepping aside to let him in. “Can I help you?”

“Um. Is Magnus home?”

“Yes,” Sinta told him. Still, she made no move to budge.

“Can I– Can I see him? Or can you tell him I came? I just– I texted him, but he didn’t reply, and I– I have to apologise, I didn’t mean to make him think—”

Alec bit his tongue just in time. He didn’t know whether or not Sinta knew about what Magnus had told him. He wasn’t going to be even more of an asshole and inadvertently out Magnus to his mother. He just needed the chance to explain.

Sinta raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t mean to make him think what?”

“I didn’t mean to make him think that anything he ever told me would change the way I see him. He’s my best friend. But I...didn’t act like it today.”

Something soft passed over Sinta’s face. She looked exhausted, grey beginning to show more starkly against her temples, but she smiled from her eyes as she inclined her head and gestured Alec in.

“He’s upset,” she said. “You know how he gets. If he won’t talk to you—”

“I won’t push it,” Alec promised her with a quick nod before he darted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Absently, he wondered where Marcus was—he seemed to be at the Banes’ house constantly, with no job to go to. He wasn’t going to complain. Magnus was right to hate him. The guy took _creepy asshole_ to a whole new level.

He knocked lightly on Magnus’ bedroom door.

“Mom, please leave me alone,” Magnus said, sounding tired and teary, as though he’d been crying recently. “Just...please.”

Alec’s heart clenched in his chest at the knowledge that he’d made Magnus sound like that. Sure, they’d had arguments before, plenty of times, but not about anything like this. And they hadn’t really had an argument bad enough to make each other cry since they were little.

“It’s me,” Alec said, swallowing. “I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I– God, Magnus, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean... I didn’t mean what you thought I meant. I mean I did about girls, and about Axel, but not- not the last bit. You need to know that. You’re my best friend.”

For several long seconds that seemed to stretch into eternity, there was silence from the other side of the door. Alec’s heart hammered against his ribs in double-time. He hated Magnus being upset. Hated it as much as he hated seeing his siblings upset. He just wanted to make it better.

And this was his fault. He could fix it.

“It’s open,” Magnus said, after what felt like such a long period of silence it made Alec start.

Upon opening the door, he was greeted by the sight of Magnus curled on his bed, a textbook open in front of him. He had his back to the door, but his shoulders were hunched up and tense, and it was clear that he wasn’t reading anything.

“Hey,” Alec said hesitantly. He pushed the door shut but didn’t make a move to approach Magnus, unsure of his welcome.

“So you don’t hate me?”

“Jesus Christ, Magnus, of course I don’t hate you,” Alec said, unable to keep the appalled sound out of his voice. “Nothing could make me hate you. Especially not something like that. I’m so sorry I made you think that.”

“Do you promise?” Magnus asked, still not turning around. He didn’t sound small; on the contrary, his voice was hard, steely armour on and a fortress erected between them.

“Do I promise that what you told me doesn’t matter to me? Of course I promise, you idiot. What kind of friend do you take me for?”

Magnus shrugged. “One who just gapes at me when I come out for the first time.”

Alec flinched. “I’m so sorry. If I could have a do-over, I’d- I’d hug you and tell you that it’s fine and it doesn’t change the fact that you’re my best friend and I’m always gonna want you in my life. I...”

“I know.” Magnus turned around, legs splaying, and patted the multi-coloured, hand-knitted monstrosity of a quilt that Alec secretly loved to pieces. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah,” Alec said, relieved beyond measure. “Yeah, of course.”

Once Alec was settled across from him, Magnus looked up at him, holding his gaze properly for the first time since Alec had come into the room. Everything in Alec wanted to reach across and hug him, but he refrained. It wasn’t the time for that.

“Can I ask you something?” Alec asked, after it seemed that Magnus wasn’t going to speak first. Magnus nodded. “What made you tell me that? Why then? Because I was saying all that stuff about not caring about girls?”

“Partly,” Magnus said, shrugging. “And partly... Well. When you said that, I thought it might have been because you were...like me.”

Alec blinked. “Oh.”

Magnus flashed him a tight smile. “Yeah, oh. But then I asked you if you like girls, and you sounded like- you sounded so dismissive, so... I don’t know. You sounded like anything else was inconceivable. And it hurt.”

“Wait.” Alec held up a hand. “You were asking me if I _fancy_ girls?”

“Uh, yes? Obviously?”

“Oh crap.” Alec laughed nervously. “I thought you meant, I don’t know, platonically.”

Magnus stared at him for a moment and then shook his head with a half-fond roll of his eyes. “You’re an idiot, Lightwood.”

“Shut up,” Alec told him, shoving at him lightly. “Ass.”

Magnus grinned and shoved him back. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, _duh_.”

Mischief lit up Magnus’ eyes, and within a moment they were wrestling playfully on Magnus’ bed, laughing and huffing as they pushed and pulled at each. Soon, they were caught up in a mess of limbs and the quilt and the duvet, and, as Magnus went to regain the upper hand, they both toppled to the floor with a loud thud.

“Are you two okay up there?” Sinta shouted up the stairs.

Alec had landed half on top of Magnus; he pushed himself up on his elbow and yelled, “We’re good!”

Magnus was clutching at Alec’s shirt, muffling his giggles in his shoulder as he tried to contain himself. Alec snickered despite himself.

They fell quiet after several moments, but neither of them made any effort to move from where they were sprawled across each other on the carpet.

“Alec?” Magnus’ eye flickered up to meet his gaze. “Can I ask you something?”

Alec nodded. “Of course. Anything.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Alec blinked at him, and barked out a short laugh of surprise. “No. I think you’d know if I had. Why? Have you?”

Magnus shook his head. “No. But I– I heard people talking about it in the locker room the other day. Jacob was saying he kissed Marie, but apparently it was really, really awkward, because Marie didn’t know what to do.”

“Okay,” Alec said, raising his eyebrows. He didn’t really know where Magnus was going with this.

“I was thinking...we should be prepared, right? I know you’re straight, but it can’t be that different...”

As Magnus trailed off, glancing at him meaningfully, Alec caught onto what Magnus was insinuating. Red stained his cheeks, but...he didn’t want to say no. Magnus had a point, didn’t he? They didn’t want to be caught out.

“Yeah,” Alec agreed. “I, um. I heard Clary saying she practised with Simon, once.”

“Weird,” Magnus said, wrinkling his nose. “Their relationship is odd.”

“It is,” Alec agreed, but he wasn’t really paying attention anymore. He was thinking about what they’d just agreed to do. It wasn’t a big deal - they’d all heard about people practising on their friends before they kissed someone they really liked - but Alec was fairly sure he’d never heard about two boys practising together. Two girls, yes, but not two boys.

Thinking about it was making him oddly nervous. He’d never kissed anyone. Neither had Magnus. But he’d rather make a fool of himself in front of Magnus than in front of anyone else. Magnus was his best friend. It was fine.

Magnus was watching him with careful scrutiny, eyes flickering across his face as though trying to dissect his expression and search for reservations. Alec could feel his heart beating a little faster than normal; by contrast, Magnus looked absolutely calm.

“So, um.” Alec’s eyes flickered down to Magnus’ lips uncertainly. “Should I–? Should we just–?”

“Do you want to?” Magnus asked, pushing himself up on one elbow so that they were closer together.

Alec’s breath hitched at Magnus’ proximity. For god’s sake, he was being ridiculous. He’d been this close to Magnus hundreds, thousands, of times. They were best friends. Loads of people at school talked about practising with their friends. This wasn’t a big deal.

So why did it feel like it was?

“Yeah,” Alec said, looking at him a little shyly. “For practise.”

“For practise,” Magnus agreed.

They just stared at each other for a moment, both uncertain. Then Magnus pushed himself up a little further, eyes flickering from Alec’s mouth and then back up, and pressed their lips together softly.

Eyes closed, Alec became hyper-aware of everything else, other senses going into overdrive. Time seemed to still. They were barely moving, Alec kneeling half on Magnus’ leg and half squashed against the side of the bed. Neither made any move to touch each other, but Alec could feel Magnus everywhere. His body heat rolling towards him, his breath brushing against his face, his fingertips just nudging Alec’s where their hands were flat on the floor.

It could have been seconds or minutes later that they pulled back, eyelids fluttering open to look at each other. Alec blinked, lips slightly parted, a little dazed. He wasn’t quite sure what had just happened.

Magnus cleared his throat as Alec sat back, rolling off of Magnus’ leg to let him get up.

“That was—”

“Interesting,” Alec agreed, hoping his voice sounded steadier than he felt. It hadn’t been bad - not at all - but he hadn’t expected it to make his heart thud quite so quickly. He hadn’t expected it to make him feel...anything, really. He’d never seen the point of kissing. Why would anyone want to put their mouth that close to someone else’s?

Maybe he understood, now.

“Interesting,” Magnus agreed, picking himself up off the ground gracefully. Magnus was always so fluid, feline-like in his movements; Alec felt long and lanky and awkward in comparison.

“Hey, I was wondering if I could ask you about something,” Alec said, suddenly remembering what had prompted Isabelle to shoo him over to Magnus’ in the first place.

Magnus glanced at him over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Chemistry,” Alec clarified, and Magnus grinned.

“Alright.” Magnus bounced as he tossed himself onto the bed. “Hit me with it.”

And their strange moment was forgotten.


	4. Take Me to Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus and Alec do best friend things, Magnus is keeping secrets, and Alec witnesses something he shouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s song, in case you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know: Take Me To Church by Hozier

**My lover's got humour  
She's the giggle at a funeral  
Knows everybody's disapproval  
I should've worshipped her sooner  
If the Heavens ever did speak  
She is the last true mouthpiece  
Every Sunday's getting more bleak  
A fresh poison each week  
'We were born sick, ' you heard them say it**

*******

****Age 15

Magnus stretched out along the grass as they soaked in the last few weeks of late-September warmth before autumn hit and forced them all into sweaters and scarves. Hanging out on the grass at lunchtime had once seemed like the most boring way to spend half an hour he could imagine. Now, it was all they ever wanted to do.

“I still don’t understand how literally everyone knows who you are,” Raphael said, frowning at Magnus from where he was cowering in the shade, scowling. Not that Raphael ever really did anything but scowl. “He was a senior.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “I’ve known Axel since I started high school.”

“Okay,” Raphael said, “but _how_?”

The honest answer was that Magnus was a nerd and went to as many chemistry-related activities as he possibly could, but he wasn’t going to admit that to Raphael. “It’s a gift I have. I walk into a room, people notice.”

“I think it’s a gift when you leave the room,” Alec interjected, not even glancing up over his sunglasses.

“Rude,” Magnus told him, while Ragnor, Clary, and Alec’s siblings snorted. Magnus hadn’t quite worked out whether Alec loved or hated having his siblings back in the same school as him.

Alec shrugged. “But true.”

Magnus pinned the four freshman with a sharp stare. “Don’t you go getting any ideas about spouting off that kind of disrespect.”

“Freshman exist to disrespect,” Ragnor said. “Be honest. We did.”

“I’m an exception.”

“No, you’re not,” Alec said, still not looking up from his math homework. He tapped quickly at his calculator, chewed on the end of his pen in contemplation, and wrote something down. Then he crossed through it and rewrote it.

Magnus looked over at Ragnor. “What did I do to deserve such an awful best friend?”

“I don’t know, it’s probably your punishment for lying to your mom about how that stain appeared on the sofa.”

Magnus flashed Alec a grin. “But that was your idea. I just told the lie.”

Finally, Alec looked up. There was a tiny little smile playing on the corners of his lips as he shook back his fringe and pushed his sunglasses back up his nose. “Yeah, well. If Marcus is a dick to you, I’m gonna make sure he gets as much shit as possible.”

“Don’t swear in front of the freshman,” Magnus said, but Alec’s words made him swallow.

Alec smiled. “I’m fairly sure Jace taught Isabelle how to swear, not me.”

Jace scoffed. “Not my fault you’re more boring than me.”

“Jace,” Isabelle said, shaking her head, “you are such a dick.”

“Yeah, not as much of a dick as Alec is,” Magnus said, grinning over at Alec, who stuck his tongue out. “Really mature, Lightwood.”

“I know I am.”

Magnus threw his orange at him. With hindsight, it was a waste of a good orange, but it was worth it for the look of absolute outrage on Alec’s face.

“You got orange peel in my hair,” Alec said, shaking his hair out and brushing through it with his fingertips. Two passing sophomore girls smiled at Alec as they passed him; he blinked when he noticed that they were looking at him, but didn’t make any effort to return their flirtations.

He never did. For an objectively attractive guy, Alec certainly didn’t seem to be aware of his own charm. Perhaps it was hard to be vain with Jace in the household. Jace had more vanity in his little finger than Alec did in his entire body.

“I think it’s an improvement,” Magnus said airily, stretching back on his elbows as Alec repositioned his sunglasses. “Think how nice your hair will smell now.”

“Who’s going to _sniff_ my hair?” Alec retorted, rolling his eyes.

“I dunno,” Jace said, smirking, “I bet Magnus would tell you that’s an inherent part of his beauty routine.”

Slowly, Magnus turned to stare at Jace. He raised one eyebrow at him. “Says the boy who puts more hair gel in his hair than anybody I know.”

“You can talk. You’re all narcissist with this–” Jace waved a hand at Magnus’ ensemble “–glitz and glam. How much time do you spend on your hair every day?”

Alec was watching Jace with narrowed eyes. His homework had been discarded, laying face-down on the grass, and he was shooting Jace a cold look over the top of his sunglasses.

“Hey, Jace,” Alec said. “Say that again, I will end you.”

Jace opened his mouth to protest; Isabelle kicked him in the ribs with the heel of her boot, shaking her head in mock disappointment.

“Now Alec’s going to be all grumpy with you,” she said. “Tut tut, Jace.”

Magnus turned away from the bickering siblings and instead looked across at Alec. He nudged Alec’s foot with his own, and Alec looked up.

“Hey,” Magnus said, smiling.

Alec’s lips turned up. “Hey,” he echoed, an unusually soft quality to his voice.

“Thanks,” Magnus said.

Alec shrugged. “Thank you for getting Sebastian to fuck off and leave me alone the other day.”

“Mm. What else are friends for?”

The bell rang to signal the end of lunch before Alec had a chance to respond. Magnus picked himself up off the grass, brushed down his jeans, and extended a hand down to Alec to help him up.

“Thanks,” Alec said, holding his homework in the other hand. “What’re you doing tonight?”

Panic flickered in Magnus’ chest momentarily. Did Alec know? He wasn’t sure he wanted Alec to know yet. He hadn’t wanted anyone to know. Isabelle finding out had been a mistake, although she’d promised not to tell anyone.

“Nothing exciting,” Magnus said, looping his arm through Alec’s while keeping his voice as light as he could. “Why?”

“Mom and Dad are both home all weekend.”

Gloomy didn’t begin to cover how Alec sounded at the prospect of spending the weekend in a house with both his parents. It was rare that they got through the weekend without some kind of disaster. It inevitably put Alec in a terrible mood on Monday.

“That sucks,” Magnus told him. He squeezed his arm. “Want to come over on Saturday? Marcus is gonna be around, but—”

“Fuck Marcus,” Alec said, shaking his head. “You’re not a little kid anymore. He can’t push you around and not expect you to push back.”

Magnus stayed quiet. Alec didn’t quite understand what it was like to stand in Marcus’ vicinity and know that whatever he did, there was nothing to be done but take it. His mother would never step in. The police would never do anything. Pushing back only made it worse.

Something in Magnus couldn’t quite bring himself to explain it. He never had been able to tell Alec the whole truth about Marcus. Alec could come over and spit back at Marcus and be safe in the knowledge that he could go home to parents who, while beyond dysfunctional, would never abide by someone hurting their son.

That reality didn’t exist for Magnus. He had to take it.

“Hey.” Alec was watching him with concern. “Why don’t we go out and do something instead? You could come over to mine tonight, and we could go do something tomorrow. I won’t even make you get up before lunchtime.”

Magnus smiled faintly, leaning his head against Alec’s shoulder as they wandered through the hallway towards Alec’s locker. “I’d love to,” he said, “but I can’t tonight. I...promised my mom I’d do something.”

“Oh.” Alec frowned as though he could taste the bitterness of Magnus’ lie in the air between them. “Okay. Tomorrow, maybe. Just call. Mom and Dad don’t mind you staying round.”

“Okay,” Magnus said, attempting a smile. They’d reached Alec’s locker. He unhooked their arms. “I’ll text you later.”

“Alright. Bye.”

Magnus shot Alec one last smile, but his stomach churned with guilt. He was lying to Alec, and he hated it. Not about Marcus - he always told white lies about Marcus - but about what he was doing tonight. He hated lying to Alec.

And, frankly, he didn’t really understand why he was lying at all.

*******

**My church offers no absolutes  
She tells me 'worship in the bedroom'  
The only heaven I'll be sent to  
Is when I'm alone with you  
I was born sick, but I love it  
Command me to be well  
Amen, Amen, Amen  
**

*******

Alec wasn’t one to linger around after school. He had things to do. Homework, archery, taking his teenage siblings down a peg and making sure the littler one didn’t die of parental neglect.

An opportunity from his English teacher to enter into some writing contest had taken up fifteen minutes more of his time than he had to spare, and he was running late. Flinging open his locker, he tapped at his phone with his free hand to text Isabelle to let her know that he was late, that there was food in the fridge if they were hungry, and that neither of their parents were due home until late.

He hit send just as a selection of textbooks and folders decided to tumble out of his locker and sprawl across the floor, upside down, markers falling out, lever arches popping open. Cursing, he dropped to his knees, wondering why the fuck he didn’t take Magnus’ advice and organise his locker.

Voices coming from the end of the corridor made him jump out of his skin as he gathered his things off the floor. Students tended to desert the place within five minutes of the bell going. He’d assumed he was alone.

“Why are you being so weird about this?” a boy was asking, amusement in his voice. “Didn’t we have fun on Tuesday? Don’t you like me?”

“Yes, of course,” said a voice that Alec would have recognised anywhere, “it’s just...”

“It’s just what? You don’t want to kiss me?”

“I do,” Magnus said, and Alec’s heart pounded against his ribs, every inch of him frozen as he stood by his locker, wondering when Magnus and the mysterious boy were going to come around the corner and see him gaping. There was an oddly soft quality to Magnus’ voice as he said, “I do.”

The other boy’s voice sounded lower when he replied. “Then...do. There’s nobody else here.”

They were closer, but it sounded like they’d stopped moving. Alec knew that if he turned, if he closed the door of his locker and glanced to his left, he’d be able to see them tucked around he corner, next to the tall pin board that was supposed to be used for club announcements but was mostly used for crass jokes, calling each other rude names, and sticking pairs of students in wonky love hearts drawn in Sharpie.

When nothing else was said, Alec unfroze, curiosity getting the better of him. He pushed his locker shut slowly, trying to remain undiscovered, and let his gaze wander.

By the wall, Magnus stood before a boy an inch or two shorter than him. They were close, facing each other, hands tentatively clasped and lips pressed together. A slight furrow creased Magnus’ brow, but he made no move to pull away.

Their lips parted. Magnus looked at the other boy strangely, as though analysing a particularly interesting but bewildering section in his chemistry textbook, and then leant in to kiss him again.

Alec turned away.

His heart tattooed a wild rhythm against his rib cage, thudding so hard it hurt. His palms were sweaty, and his ears were ringing, and he couldn’t deny the churning, nauseating sensation in his stomach.

Jealousy.

So he fled.

He crashed through the swinging front door and out into the parking lot with a gasp, clutching the strap of his bag tightly. He didn’t stop. He carried on across the dusty tarmac and off school grounds towards the bus station, ignoring the irritated looks he got from fellow New Yorkers who weren’t particularly appreciative of having a fifteen year old darting through the streets like a hooligan.

Fuck.

 _What am I jealous of, exactly?_ he wondered as he climbed onto the bus. It was about Magnus, he knew that. But was it about Magnus kissing a boy, or was it about a boy kissing Magnus? Was he jealous because Magnus seemed happy to go around kissing boys like it was no big deal when it so clearly was, or was it because _Magnus_ was kissing a boy, having lied to Alec about his plans for the evening?

Or perhaps it didn’t really matter. Either way, Alec was finally going to admit it to himself—he wasn’t interested in kissing girls because he was interested in kissing boys. Whether boys specifically meant Magnus was secondary to the real problem.

He was gay, and the only person in his life he knew would be okay with that was the reason for his moment of self-realisation in the first place. Now, and that strange day when they’d decided to kiss each other for practise, and...

Perhaps Magnus wasn’t going to be the only one keeping secrets.

*******

**Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life**

*******

A crash sounded from the end of the corridor.

Magnus broke away from Imansu, heart pounding, and turned to stare down the corridor in the direction of the disturbance.

“What was that?” he asked, frowning, eyes scanning across the corridor for any signs of life.

“It was just the door to the parking lot,” Imansu said, the deep timbre of his voice not calming Magnus’ sudden spike of panic. “Don’t worry about it.”

“What if somebody saw?”

Imansu shrugged. “Then somebody saw.”

“If somebody saw—”

“Magnus, if somebody saw, they saw. And if they decide to tell the whole school that you were kissing a boy, what does that matter? You haven’t exactly kept what you think a secret. If you had, I’d never have been brave enough to ask you out.”

Magnus smiled faintly at him, and dropped his gaze to where their hands were loosely held together. He didn’t want to tell Imansu, because Imansu was a year older than him and seemed to have an idea of Magnus’ experience in his head that didn’t align with reality, but he’d never been asked out before. Not by a girl or a boy. And the only reason his sexuality was common knowledge around school was because, when he’d walked in with his hair streaked red, and some Neanderthal had demanded to know whether he was gay, he’d been so irritated by the comment that he’d snapped out the truth without a thought to the consequences.

So he’d taken on the role of being the only person in the entire school who was out. Which brought with it rather a lot of attention that he didn’t particularly want.

But it wasn’t any of that that worried Magnus. It wasn’t even really, he was ashamed to admit, concern for how people might treat Imansu if a rumour started going round that they were dating. It was that he’d lied to Alec about this, repeatedly, and he couldn’t bare the look of betrayal he knew he’d see on his friend’s face if Alec found out from someone else.

“Hey.” Imansu squeezed his hand. “Magnus, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I can handle it.”

Magnus flashed him a weak smile. “I know. I’m sorry.”

With those intense blue eyes, Imansu stared at him for a long moment, and then said, “How about we forget this and get a coffee instead?”

Everything in Magnus just wanted to go home. But the thought of Marcus made him hesitate. His thoughts flashed to the Lightwood household, where he knew he was always welcomed even if he saw the pursed-lip glances from Maryse and Robert since his fashion evolution had begun—but he wasn’t sure he could face Alec, face his smiles and kindness and adorable grumpiness, with the weight of lies hanging heavy from his heart.

“Yeah,” Magnus said, nodding. “Yeah, okay. That sounds nice.”

Imansu studied him for a moment longer. “Sure?”

“Yeah.” He summoned a smile. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Imansu said, eyes warm as he leant in to press a kiss to Magnus’ cheek. “Let’s go.”

*******

**Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life**

*******

Alec nearly didn’t answer when his phone screen lit up with Magnus’ name. Sprawled out on his bed among an array of history textbooks, he stared at his phone for a moment where it was nestled in his duvet, vibrating and trilling.

He was being stupid, he decided. Magnus was perfectly entitled to his privacy, and he didn’t have to tell Alec about absolutely everything he did just because that was what Alec did. There was nothing wrong with a white lie; Magnus must have had his reasons. Maybe he wasn’t ready for anyone to know.

Alec’s hangups were his own fault, he decided, snatching up his phone with determination. He wasn’t going to be bitter and resentful about this. He was going to be mature.

“Hey,” he said, trying to keep his voice light as he picked up. “I didn’t expect to hear from you. I thought you were helping your mom with something.”

Perhaps that had been a little unsubtle, Alec thought, but at least he hadn’t sounded snide. He hoped.

“Yeah.” Magnus sounded truly miserable, and it made Alec sit up straight, his anger dissipating to be replaced instantaneously by concern. “I’m not at home. I’m at a coffee shop.”

With that boy, Alec wondered? He didn’t know his name, but he was fairly sure that he was a junior. The thought of him being the reason Magnus sounded so miserable made Alec’s blood boil.

“Are you okay?” Alec asked, standing up to shut his bedroom door in an effort to prevent his nosy siblings lingering outside to listen in on his conversation. Isabelle and Jace were both terrible, and they’d been teaching Max the rather unsubtle art of eavesdropping. Unfortunately, they appeared to have forgotten the most essential part: don’t repeat anything to Robert or Maryse.

“I—” Magnus sighed. “Yeah, I’ve just...I’ve had a bad day. Evening. Is that offer to come over for the night still on the table?”

“Of course it is,” Alec said, frowning. “Do you need Mom to come pick you up?”

“Is she home? I thought it was a dad-week.”

“It’s never really a Dad week,” Alec confessed. “She’s home. Dad’s still at work. Or pretending to be.”

They both knew what that meant. Alec didn’t know whether Jace and Isabelle had picked up on Robert’s poorly concealed affair, or perhaps affairs, that was frequently the subject of their parents’ arguments, but Alec had. He also knew why Maryse hadn’t kicked Robert out yet. Whatever differences he they had, and however much Alec resented her for working so much that he took care of Max more than she did, he loved her for that.

“Is she working?”

“Magnus,” Alec said impatiently. “Do you want someone to pick you up or not? Nobody minds. It’s got really cold, I know you didn’t have a coat this morning, and if the next bus isn’t for twenty minutes, just say so.”

“Thank you,” Magnus said, sounding relieved, and all Alec could do was roll his eyes.

Ten minutes later, Alec was shoving open the back door of his mother’s Mercedes to let Magnus in. Magnus shivered at the first blast of heat, and Maryse shook her head from the driver’s seat.

“Boys and coats,” she said, indicating before she pulled out onto the road. “You’re all the same.”

Magnus smiled faintly at her. “Thanks for the lift.”

“That’s alright. Just don’t make a habit of it.”

Magnus promised her he wouldn’t, and they fell into silence. Alec couldn’t help but notice that Magnus was avoiding his gaze, but he couldn’t resent him for it: he was struggling to look at Magnus, too.

“I’ve got some things to do,” Maryse said, while Magnus took his shoes off and Alec shut the front door, “but help yourself if you want anything.”

Alec told Magnus that he’d make some hot chocolate; Magnus nodded, eyes meeting Alec’s for less than half a second, and made his way upstairs.

“Here,” Alec said, handing the mug to Magnus and shutting his bedroom door firmly behind him. “Warmer now?”

“I’m fine,” Magnus said. “Thank you.”

After tossing a few books onto his desk, Alec sat down on the bed beside him, watching Magnus carefully. He was staring down into his drink, looking like he really wanted to be anywhere else. So why had he called and asked if he could come over?

“Hey. You want to tell me what’s going on?” Alec asked, ducking his head a little in an attempt to catch Magnus’ gaze.

Magnus sighed. “I wasn’t really in the mood for dealing with Marcus tonight.”

“Why not?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Because he’s a complete asshole who keeps a gun under his bed, abuses my mother and has made it his personal mission to alienate me as much as he possibly can in my own home?”

“You know what I meant,” Alec said, not letting Magnus’ minor outburst bother him too much. “Why are you so upset?”

He wanted desperately to ask whether it had something to do with that boy Magnus had been kissing. But he knew he couldn’t. Not without Magnus knowing that he’d seen, and been watching, and hadn’t said anything, and—

“Because I lied to you,” Magnus said, and Alec felt his heart leap up into his throat.

“What?” he asked, a little faintly.

Every line of Magnus’ face was saturated with misery and self-loathing when he glanced up at Alec. He gripped his mug tightly enough for his knuckles to turn pale.

“I lied to you about what I was doing tonight. I wasn’t helping my mom with anything. I was meeting someone, and I lied to you about it, but I think somebody saw us, and I didn’t want you to hear a rumour tomorrow and be upset that I lied to you, and I’m so sorry, Alec, I—”

He stopped abruptly, looking over at Alec with something akin to desperation in his eyes.

“I know,” was all Alec could find to say. “It was me, the person you thought saw you.”

“It— What?”

“I was late going home. I heard you talking, and then I saw you kissing, and then I left.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said again, shaking his head and looking down. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

“No,” Alec agreed, “but I forgive you. It’s just...why did you lie?”

*******

**If I'm a pagan of the good times  
My lover's the sunlight  
To keep the Goddess on my side  
She demands a sacrifice  
To drain the whole sea  
Get something shiny**

*******

As the words split from between Alec’s lips, Magnus looked up sharply, guilt and shame and fear curdling in his stomach and making him feel physically sick. In lieu of actually dashing to the bathroom and throwing up the entire contents of his stomach, Magnus folded both palms around the scorching sides of his mug.

 _Because I think I might like you a little bit too much_ , he thought, some strange part of him hoping that Alec was psychic and could read his mind.

Although, perhaps that would have made Magnus feel worse. Alec wasn’t even attracted to boys, forget Magnus specifically. It was only ever going to be an unrequited crush. He just hoped it was one that would fizzle out fairly quickly—his friendship with Alec meant far, far too much to him for them to fall apart over something like that.

“I don’t know,” Magnus lied, looking Alec dead in the eye and then faltering at the last moment.

Alec’s brow furrowed. “Uh huh.”

Magnus sighed. “I just wasn’t sure how you’d react.”

“Because you’re dating a boy?” He sounded slightly offended. “Magnus, I told you, I don’t care about—”

“I know, I know,” Magnus said, because god knew he was perfectly certain that Alec didn’t have a homophobic bone in his body. He’d listened to Magnus waxing poetic about the Marvel heroes on multiple occasions without batting an eyelid in discomfort. He’d even tried, sweetly and somewhat half-heartedly, to participate in Magnus’ one-sided debate. “Of course I know that, Alexander. I– I don’t know. I panicked.”

“Okay,” Alec said, although he didn’t sound convinced. “So who is he, anyway?”

“Imansu. He’s a junior.”

“Are you dating?”

Magnus shrugged. “Not really. He’s nice, but he’s...musical.”

Alec’s lips twitched up in amusement. “Musical?”

“Yeah.” Magnus looked up at Alec and wrinkled his nose. “You know we were complaining about what a music snob your father is the other day? He’s like that.”

Alec grimaced. “Great.”

Magnus snorted. “No, not great at all.”

They ended up sprawled on Alec’s bed, mugs discarded and the door pushed to but not entirely closed, listening to Alec’s siblings bickering downstairs. Reclining against Alec’s pillows in comfortable silence, Magnus picked up one of Alec’s hands and brushed his thumb below a fresh cut that spanned the length of his thumb.

“What happened?”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Simon broke a conical flask in chemistry and I was the one who got cut.”

“Ow.” Magnus frowned at him. “What did he do?”

“He didn’t tighten the clamp properly, so as soon as he let go it crashed onto my hand.”

Magnus’ frown deepened. “I’m going to have to call him Sherman for a few days. He injured you.”

Alec laughed and patted Magnus gently. “I’m fine, Magnus.”

“No, you’re clearly not. There’s _blood_.”

“You’re completely ridiculous,” Alec told him fondly, and Magnus smiled as he snuggled against Alec’s side.

“I know.”


	5. Cough Syrup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus runs, Maryse is a good parent (Robert is less so), and Alec is a good friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty heavy, so if you’re someone who might need to, refer back to the warnings in chapter 1. Most of them apply here.
> 
> Song: Cough Syrup by Young the Giant (so...yeah...)

**Life's too short to even care at all oh  
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control  
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh oh oh oh oh  
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh**

***********

Age 16

Everything hurt.

The cold seeped into Magnus’ every cell, encasing him in ice and making shivers wrack his body as he ran. Rain lashed at his skin, hard and biting, like claws snagging at him, a thousand tiny cuts inflicted upon him as he hesitated, scattered mind panicking as he momentarily forgot the route he’d taken thousands of times before. Was it left, or right?

A bus roared past him on the road, splashing through a puddle and soaking Magnus through from head to toe. He gasped as the freezing water hit him. He couldn’t have got any wetter than he already was, so it didn’t matter. But it did shock him out of his spiralling terror.

He veered left, rain slicking his hair to his scalp as he darted along the streets. His heart pounded against his ribs hard enough for it to hurt—from adrenaline, or fear, or physical exhaustion, Magnus could only guess.

Continuing up the long stretch of the busy road that he recognised so well, he ignored the strange looks he was getting from people he passed. He was sure he looked mad. A sixteen year old boy sprinting through the streets at half past three in the morning, wearing entirely inadequate clothing for the middle of March.

None of them stopped him. This was New York. They’d all seen far stranger things.

He almost sobbed when he reached the porch, something inside him breaking at the thought that he was safe, he was safe, he would be safe here, because maybe it housed a man who couldn’t stand the sight of him and a woman who tolerated him for someone else’s sake, but he knew, he knew he’d be safe. It was the only place left in the world that he could trust.

Numb form the cold, he tumbled up the steps, fingers aching as he lifted a hand to press the bell clumsily, praying that it would be loud enough, that someone would wake up, that it would all be okay, that—

The door was hauled open, and, for once in his life, Magnus didn’t care that it was the person in the household who disliked him the most. He didn’t care that he never got more than disdain or the occasional moment of sheer apathy from those eyes. He just didn’t care.

“Magnus?” Robert Lightwood said, blinking bleariness out of his eyes. He stood staring for a moment in a striped dressing gown, and then, as though he thought he might be seeing a phantom rather than reality, said again, “Magnus?”

“I’m s-sorry,” Magnus got out around chattering teeth. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

Robert opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn’t seem to know what to say, what to do. Perhaps it was too early, Magnus thought. Perhaps he was the kind of person who didn’t function within an hour of waking up, like Alec. Or perhaps Magnus was just in too much of a state for any normal person to be able to cope with without prior warning.

“Robert?” Maryse’s voice floated down the stairs, sounding significantly more alert than her husband’s. “Who is it?”

Robert didn’t reply, instead stepping aside for Maryse to see the teenager standing on her doorstep. Magnus was fairly sure he was visibly bruised, and most likely bleeding somewhere, but fuck, he couldn’t feel it because he was just so _cold_.

“Magnus?” Her eyes went wide. “What—? Good god, get inside, you’re freezing.”

A warm hand grasped his shoulder, and Magnus let go.

He let himself be pulled inside, let Robert and Maryse’s voices wash over him as they sat him down on a sofa and Maryse sent Robert off to make hot chocolate. A towel was set around his shoulders, and a blanket wrapped around him, and someone was pushing a mug into his hands, and Maryse was hissing at Robert and Robert was snapping back at her, and Magnus didn’t pay them any attention at all.

“Magnus,” Maryse said, kneeling down in front of him. She fixed him with a motherly sort of look, at once firm and kind and safe, and Magnus thought that maybe Alec was right, maybe she was a good mother, deep down, when she had to be. “I know it’s hard, but I need you to tell me what’s going on, okay? Because your mother isn’t answering her phone, and—”

“She’s dead.”

Maryse stilled. “Excuse me?”

“My mother.” Magnus didn’t look away from Maryse’s eyes. “She’s not answering her phone because she’s dead.”

Magnus said the words, but it was like an out of body experience. He could feel his lips moving, but he heard the syllables coming from his mouth as though hearing them from underwater, muffled and distorted and strange. Nothing felt real. The words didn’t feel real. Their meaning didn’t feel real.

Maryse’s face turned pale, and she looked over her shoulder at Robert before fixing her eyes back on Magnus. “Sweetheart...”

“I heard them shouting, this morning,” Magnus whispered, glancing down at his mug and feeling his shoulders curl in defensively. “I don’t know what about. They were always shouting. And then again this evening. And then something woke me up, a noise, some horrible, horrible noise, a crack and this choking, and so I went to look.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “And I found her.”

“Magnus...” Maryse had tears on her cheeks; behind her, Robert stood with his hand gripping her shoulder, face shrouded with sympathy as he, too, looked at Magnus. “Oh god.”

“And then he found me,” Magnus said. “He told me it was my fault. I told him it wasn’t, I told him it was his fault, and I screamed at him, and he screamed back, and then—”

Magnus lifted a hand to his face, fingertips brushing across the tender skin around his eye. Blood was caked beneath his fingernails, he noticed. He wondered whose it was.

“He hit me, so I hit him back. And then I ran.” He looked up at Alec’s parents. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Did you call the police?” Robert asked, and Magnus shook his head. “Did you call anyone? Text anyone? See what happened to Marcus?”

“No. He fell, and he shouted after me, but I was quicker. He gave up.”

There was silence for a moment as Maryse and Robert looked at each other, clearly unsure about what to do next. Who to call. What to do with Magnus. Magnus tuned them out as Maryse stood and they began talking quietly, as though perhaps that they thought not repeating events back to Magnus would help him; as though talking about the police and his state and what the hell was meant to happen next would somehow be more horrific than what he’d already experienced.

“You can’t shield him from this, Robert,” Maryse snapped, startling Magnus. He perked up a little when he realised that they weren’t talking about him, but Alec. “Magnus is his best friend. It’s happened. It doesn’t make any difference whether he finds out now or tomorrow morning. He’s going to find out, and he’s going to be affected, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it, no matter how much we might want to.”

“What, so you want to wake him up now and involve him?” Robert sounded furious. “That’s insane, Maryse, he’s a boy!”

“He’s sixteen! They're the same age. They’re young, and they need support, but they’re not little children! Even if they were, it has _happened_ , Robert. We can’t make it not have happened. So unless you want me to kick you out of this house right now, call Luke, tell him what’s happened, and if you try to pull Alec away from Magnus because of this, he will never forgive you and neither will I. Do you understand me?”

Robert glared at his wife for a long moment. Maryse glared right back. Then, with a faint snarl, Robert stalked out of the room, lifting his phone to his ear as he slammed a door, shutting him away from Magnus and Maryse.

Standing by the kitchen doorway, Maryse took a deep breath, clearly trying to compose herself. Magnus pretended not to notice her wiping her eyes. He knew what she thought of his choices, recently, but she was always nice enough not to actually say anything. And it sounded like she was going to help him.

“Okay,” Maryse said, turning back towards him. “Robert has gone to call our friend Luke who works at the police station. Someone will probably come here to talk to you, or they might go to your house first, but either way, I won’t let them make you do anything, see anyone, or go anywhere that you don’t want to. I’ve dealt with things like this in court, I know how they go, I know what tricks they try, and I know how to stop them if they do, although I know Luke won’t. Okay?”

Magnus nodded. “Okay.”

“Alright. You’re in shock, I know, but I want you to drink some of that hot chocolate while I go and wake up Alec. Deal?”

Magnus blinked at her. “You’re going to wake up Alec?”

She paused. “I won’t if you don’t want me to. I thought you would.”

Some minute part of Magnus didn’t really want Alec to see this. But it was so far superseded by the rest of him, which craved the sort of comfort he knew he’d only ever had from two sources, one of which was now eternally unavailable to him, that he barely registered his own hesitation.

“Yeah. I– Yeah.”

Maryse seemed to understand. “Okay. Do you want me to tell him, or do you want to tell him?”

Magnus shook his head. “I can’t say it again. Not tonight.”

“You stay right there, then. I’ll be three minutes. Have a drink, plug your phone in, turn your internet off, and put something on the TV so it doesn’t sound silent.”

And, mechanically, Magnus did.

*******

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away  
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down  
**

*******

“Alec.”

A voice whispered his name from the doorway, and following it, a dim shaft of light split through into his room. Alec groaned loudly, lifting an arm across his eyes to block it all out. Why the hell was someone waking him up in the middle of the night?

“Alec, sweetheart, I’m sorry,” his mother said, silhouetted in the doorway, “but you have to wake up.”

Alec groaned again. “Why?”

“It’s Magnus,” she said, and Alec’s eyes shot up as he jackknifed into a sitting position, abruptly very, very awake. Something in his mother’s voice filled him to the brim with dread. “It’s his mother. She– She’s– Magnus found her dead.”

Everything went quiet, save for the blood roaring in his ears. A beat, and his heart leap into his throat, stomach twisting and churning, and he would never be able to unhear those words—he’d never be able to go backwards. It was a fundamental moment. A reference point in his life. Before and after Sinta Bane died. Before and after Magnus lost his mother. Before and after the balance of their worlds shifted.

“What?” Alec whispered. “What? How? I don’t understand.”

“Magnus is in shock,” Maryse said, something more than gentle in her voice. Something...tentative. Trying to shield him without patronising him. “He’s not entirely coherent. But I think he was trying to say that she took her own life.”

Alec threw back the duvet, clambering to his feet. “You mean Magnus is here?” he asked, already reaching for a hoodie to throw on over his t-shirt, although he barely felt the cold air biting at his skin. “Is he hurt? Is he—?”

“He’s here,” Maryse said, nodding. “He’s downstairs, and he wants to see you, but I need you to take a deep breath first, Alec. I know this is horrible, and I know it’s scary, and shocking, and I feel all that too, but you’re not going to help anyone if you’re hysterical too.”

“I’m not hysterical,” he told her, and, really, he wasn’t. It was the truth. He couldn’t afford to be. He just had to see a Magnus. Immediately. “Is he hurt?”

“A little,” Maryse said. “He had an altercation with Marcus, I think. He’s a bit battered. But I don’t think it’s serious.”

“Okay, now can I see him?”

Maryse stepped to the side; Alec rushed past her, out of his bedroom and down the stairs to the living room, where he presumed Magnus was sitting, probably out of his mind and nauseous with horror and terrified about what was going to happen, and—

Magnus turned to look at him; Alec inhaled sharply.

The image of Magnus in his living room burnt itself into Alec’s mind. A blanket had been wrapped around him, covering sopping wet clothes that had clearly provided absolutely no protection against the cold, judging by the way he was shivering. Bruises littered his skin, the edge of his eye socket was beginning to turn faintly purple, and there was blood on his face and on his hands.

Worse than any of that, however, was the dead, blank look he gave Alec as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Magnus stared at him as though he didn’t quite understand, as though Alec were a shape, a collection of colours he could see, but not something he could interpret to have meaning.

“Magnus,” Alec said, choking on his friend’s name. “God, your _face_.”

He blurted the words out before his mind had time to catch up with what garbage was pouring out of his mouth. Magnus didn’t seem bothered. He didn’t seem to quite understand what Alec was talking about, eyebrows furrowing into a slight frown as he reached up to touch his cheek.

Alec turned to Maryse. “Mom, do we have—”

“There,” she said, pointing to the coffee table, where someone had left an ice pack, a towel, and a flannel folded over the side of a bowl of warm water. “I’ve heard enough psychologists testify to know not to touch him.”

That made Alec hesitate. “Should I not?”

“Just ask.”

Alec swallowed, and closed the remaining distance between himself and Magnus. His bare toes curled in protest against the cold floor, but it wasn’t important. Not now. Magnus was important.

“Hey,” he said softly, sitting down on the sofa beside Magnus, leaving several inches of space between them.

“Hey,” Magnus echoed. His gaze dropped, and Alec saw the exhaustion saturating every line of his being, bleeding into his every cell and atom.

“Do you want me to help you clean up before the police get here?” Alec asked, gesturing to Magnus’ face.

Magnus agreed, his voice surprisingly steady, but told Alec to take a photograph first.

Alec paused in reaching for the bowl of water. “What? Of your face?”

“Yeah. For evidence.”

Alec chose not to dig any further into it, but he did as Magnus asked, snapping a photo on his phone before dipping the corner of the flannel into water and lifting it to wipe at the blood caked into Magnus’ normally unblemished skin.

“Ow,” Magnus said, when Alec strayed too close to his eye. “That hurts.”

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Alec said. “You’re gonna have a black eye.”

“Great.”

They were silent as Alec worked, Magnus obediently turning his head to Alec’s quiet instructions, and then allowing Alec to wipe the dirt off his hands. He refused the ice pack, and, with nothing else to do, Alec sat back, feeling more than a little helpless.

Seconds seemed to stretch out into eternity as they passed in a tense, suffocating quietness that was only broken by the soft sounds of breathing. Alec didn’t know where his parents had gone, but neither of them were in the room. He hoped they weren’t arguing about something. Not tonight.

Magnus wasn’t looking at him, so he jumped when he felt fingers brush against his hand. He glanced over; Magnus was staring resolutely ahead with glassy eyes, but he was stretching his fingers out towards Alec’s.

“Hey.” Alec gripped his hand back and squeezed. “I’m here, okay? Whatever you need... I’m here.”

Magnus’ lower lip trembled. He nodded once, clenching his jaw and tightening his hold on Alec’s hand, and then he closed his eyes, swallowing determinedly. What he was trying to do was obvious. _Why_ wasn’t so.

“Magnus,” Alec said sorrowfully, watching Magnus in consternation. “Magnus, it’s okay, you don’t have to pretend to be fine.”

Magnus shook his head rapidly, and then, without warning, his eyes flew open, and a sob hitched in his throat, and he gasped, choking on an inhale, and then he threw himself at Alec.

Alec caught him. He wrapped his arms tight around Magnus’ back, pressing the flats of his hands either side of his spine, feeling his heart shatter as Magnus cried, trembling from head to toe and gripping at Alec desperately, as though he might just be the last thing holding the pieces that made up Magnus’ whole together.

“I’ve got you,” Alec said, words coming without thought from a place of brutally honest love born from years of the deepest kind of friendship. Magnus Bane hadn’t just touched Alec’s heart: he’d touched his soul. “I’m sorry, Magnus, I’m so, so sorry. But I’ve got you.”

“She’s dead,” Magnus gasped against his neck. “She’s dead, Alexander, she’s gone, she left me. She left me with _him_.”

“Nobody is ever gonna make you go anywhere with him,” Alec told him firmly, lifting a hand to hold the back of Magnus’ neck. “Mom won’t let them. _I_ won’t let them. I’ll make Jace sleep on the goddamn floor until we graduate if I have to. You are not going anywhere with him.”

“Please stay,” Magnus whispered, still pressed close, the material of Alec’s hoodie wet with his tears. “Please stay.”

“God, Magnus, where else would I possibly go?” Alec asked, turning his head to press his cheek against Magnus’ hair. “That’s rhetorical, don’t answer. I’m not going anywhere. They can pry us apart when I’m dead, but not before. Not as long as you want me here. Okay?”

Magnus nodded.

Knuckles rapped lightly against the wooden frame of the door. Alec glanced up to see his father watching them with slightly narrowed eyes.

“Luke is here,” Robert said. “Maryse is talking to him now, but he’s going to want to take a statement, Magnus. Alright?”

Magnus hauled himself away from Alec with visible effort. He inhaled deeply, wiped at his eyes, and inclined his head in Robert’s direction. For a moment, Robert remained unmoving, watching them with something in his eyes that set Alec on edge. Then he turned away.

*******

**Life's too short to even care at all oh  
I'm coming up now coming up now out of the blue oh  
These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart oh oh oh oh  
A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh  
**

*******

Luke Garroway seemed remarkably out of place in the Lightwood’s living room.

He was tall enough to need to duck his head slightly as he walked through the door, and the breadth of his shoulders and stern set to his brow made Alec nervous on Magnus’ behalf. He didn’t want Magnus to be subjected to an interrogation.

But, when he spoke, Luke spoke with more gentleness than Alec had realised a person capable of possessing.

When he finished taking Magnus’ statement, asking questions kindly, discretely, not apologising for the things he needed to know but treating the situation with a humanity and dignity that seemed to put Magnus at ease, he straightened up to his full height from where he’d folded himself into a chair.

“Magnus, you’re sixteen, is that correct?”

Magnus blinked up at him. There were tears clinging to his lashes, the remnants of tracks still drying on his face, but something evil and aching and awful inside Alec thought, for just a moment, that Magnus was the most beautiful person he’d ever met. From his eyes, all the way into his soul.

“Yes.” Magnus glanced over at Alec. “What happens to me now?”

“In other circumstances, you’d be most likely to go to live with your mother’s boyfriend,” Luke said. “But that’s not happening on my watch. So you can stay here for now, providing Maryse will allow it, and we can find something more permanent tomorrow.”

“Foster care?”

“If you want to,” Maryse said, “or I could get you a court case and get you emancipated. It’s up to you.”

“But I don’t have anywhere to stay if I get emancipated.”

“You can stay here,” Alec said, and looked over at his mother. “Right?”

“Not forever,” Maryse said carefully, pressing her lips together. Alec was tempted to demand to know why not; he refrained.

“You can file for financial help,” Luke said. “And, kiddo, if you pay me rent, I’ll give you a bedroom.”

Magnus’ eyes widened. “You— What?”

“I was kidding about the rent,” Luke said, smiling. “I knew your mother. I trained in Ohio, and I handled her papers when you two came over here. We kept in touch. She was a lovely woman. You don’t have to, but it’s on the table. If you want it.”

*******

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away  
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now  
**

*******

Exhaustion had bled deep into Magnus’ bones, poisoning him right down to the marrow and overpowering any hint of adrenaline that might have given him some energy. The moment Luke’s kind smile and firm, steadfast presence left, Magnus felt himself slump, shoulders curling in and head drooping.

“Can I take Magnus to bed now?” he heard Alec asking, but he didn’t look up. He trusted Alec. Trusted that Alec could take the weight, just for a night. Trusted Alec to look after him when he was at his lowest, because that was what they did. That was what Magnus would have done for Alec in a heartbeat, were the situations reversed.

“Of course you can,” Maryse said, and there was worry in her voice, although Magnus couldn’t be bothered to work out why. “And, Alec, take the day off school tomorrow, okay? Luke wants to come back with some updates, and...”

Magnus felt pointed gazes turn on him. He wondered why Maryse thought that trauma and exhaustion led to childish stupidity. It didn’t. He could hear them. He understood. He just didn’t have the heart to respond.

“Yeah, Mom,” Alec said. There was an edge of something in his voice, something sharp, something wielded from the same materials as the weapons he used to defend himself against the cruelties of the world.

A warm hand rested against his back, right between his shoulder blades. It was all softness and care and comfort, no sharpened blades to be found.

“Come on,” Alec said, softly. “You want anything?”

Magnus looked at him. “My mom.”

Tears of shimmering crystal sprang to Alec’s eyes, and he swallowed hard before saying softly, “I know, Magnus. I’m so sorry. Is there anything else?”

Magnus shrugged. “You. Maybe—” He paused, glancing around the room to check that Robert had left. It was pointless, because he’d already said the damning things, the things that would make him appear weak in front of that heinous man, but relief hit him when he saw that Robert had once again made a convenient disappearance. “I’m kind of cold.”

“Yeah, okay. Shower, maybe? And you can borrow some dry clothes. And I’ll make you some tea.”

“Thank you.”

“Go on. I’ll be up by the time you’re done.”

Magnus stood up from the sofa, discarded the blanket with a brief, quiet apology to Maryse as he headed for the stairs. Pain flickered across Maryse’s face, but she attempted a smile. Magnus appreciated it, somewhere inside him that wasn’t rendered functionless with agonising devastation. God knew he had his issues with Maryse, but, deep down, she was a good mother. Deep down, she cared.

Maybe that was where Alec got it from.

*******

**And so I run to the things they said could restore me  
Restore life the way it should be  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down**

*******

Upstairs, the scalding water served as perfect camouflage for the tears that slid down Magnus’ cheeks the moment he was alone. The steam rose around him, turning the glass of Alec’s shower misty and blocking out the world around him. All that existed was him, and the steam, and the heat, and the nearing-painful pinpricks of hot water that pummelled down on his back.

Magnus’ hands trembled as he reached for Alec’s shower gel. It smelt like Alec, smelt so familiar as he scrubbed at his skin, trying to cleanse it of every horrific thing he’d experienced in the last two hours. But that didn’t help. Because Alec wasn’t there, and he’d never understand, and he could never help, nobody could ever help, because she was dead, his mother was dead, she was dead and it was his fault, his fault, he should have done something about Marcus, he should have stepped and now she was dead, gone, dead—

A scream ripped its way out of Magnus’ throat and he threw the bottom of shower gel against the tiled wall so hard it chipped a corner and split the cap in two.

Gasping, chest heaving, Magnus let himself bang his head back against the glass, sobs smothered by the roar of the water. God, he felt so alone. Nobody could hear him, nobody could hear his thoughts, nobody could see what he’d just done, nobody—

“Magnus?” There was a knock at the bathroom door. It wasn’t locked, but nobody came in. “Magnus?”

Magnus couldn’t make himself speak, couldn’t form words. His lips moved, but the syllables stuttered in his chest and died in his throat, incoherent, helpless noises scratching at his vocal cords. He couldn’t see, the world blurry around him, and he wasn’t sure whether he was crying or whether it was just the water, but everything hurt and he couldn’t _breathe_.

“Magnus, I can hear you, just take a breath, yeah? Take a breath, Magnus, you can do it.”

Magnus wondered why Alec didn’t open the door.

“I know it hurts, but you’re having a panic attack, it’s making everything worse. Close your mouth and– Through your nose—”

“I can’t,” Magnus choked out, even as he did, raggedly, choking a little. “Alec...”

“That’s it, that’s it.” Alec sounded desperate, but still he didn’t open the door. “And again, come on, keep going. And then when you’re ready just shut off the water, and grab a towel, and come open the door.”

“It’s not locked,” Magnus said, the words raw against his throat, stuttering and broken, but he could breathe again.

“I know. Go on, water off.”

Magnus shivered the moment the heat disappeared, grabbing at the first towel he could lay hand on as he stumbled out of the shower, almost slipping and cracking his head open on the sink, and lurched towards the door to yank it open.

On the other side, wide-eyed with worry, stood Alec. He looked Magnus up and down, an array of emotions that Magnus couldn’t begin to guess at flickering across his face. His eyes lingered momentarily on the damage that had been inflicted upon Magnus’ face, before settling on his eyes.

“Maybe that was a bad idea,” Alec said softly, reaching out slowly to Magnus’ shoulders.

When Magnus didn’t protest, he reached behind him to pick up a second towel and began to dry him off, touch gentle and careful and tender.

“At least I’m warm now,” Magnus said through lips that felt numb.

Alec didn’t respond, instead making Magnus turn so he could dry off the back of his shoulders.

“It’s fine,” Magnus said, feeling a little embarrassed. “I can do it.”

Alec exhaled. “I know. I just feel kind of useless. I got you some clothes. And some tea. Mom is hovering, I think she wants to make up the guest room for you—”

“No,” Magnus said immediately, eyes going wide and tension seeping into his shoulders. “I’m not sleeping in a room alone.”

“That’s what I thought,” Alec said, in a way that wasn’t intended to be calming but was nonetheless. “I’ll go tell her. Then we’ll try to get some sleep, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Magnus agreed.

Alec hesitated for a moment, clearly a little unwilling to leave Magnus after what he’d walked in on. Magnus offered him a small, joyless smile that fell entirely flat in its insincerity. With a gentle squeeze to his forearm, Alec turned, heading out.

As Magnus watched him go, he wondered what the hell was supposed to happen next.

*******

**Life's too short to even care at all oh  
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control**

*******

There was something comforting about wearing Alec’s pyjamas and climbing into Alec’s bed, Alec already sprawled out on one side. Everything smelt like Alec. It was familiar. Comforting. It made Magnus burrow deeper into the mattress.

Alec was thumbing through messages on his phone, brow furrowed. He tapped out a response to whatever it was and hit send. After turning off the light, he turned over to face Magnus in the darkness. Magnus had his eyes closed, but he knew all too well that it wouldn’t fool Alec for a minute.

“You doing okay?” Alec asked, voice soft in the muffled quiet of nighttime. Or early morning. Magnus felt fairly sure that the faint light beginning to fade through the edges of Alec’s blinds indicated that morning was close.

“I’m not about to have another panic attack, if that’s what you mean.”

“Hey, come here.”

Alec reached out, and Magnus folded himself into his friend’s arms without thought, hugging Alec back and letting his forehead rest against Alec’s shoulder.

He couldn’t remember the last time he and Alec had shared a bed. As kids, they’d done it all the time, but although they’d never really grown out of the habit, they’d done it less in recent years. Mostly, Magnus knew, they’d done it less since he’d come out, and since he’d realised that his feelings towards Alec went a touch beyond what they should.

But it wasn’t the time to think about that. Magnus couldn’t handle anything else, on top of everything else.

“I turned my alarm off,” Alec said. “You want to be left alone tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure,” Magnus admitted. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay. After Luke comes, if you feel like it, we could go for ice cream and coffee.”

Despite everything, despite the exhaustion and the bone-deep terror and the all-consuming devastation clenching his heart so tight he feels like he’s go to arrest, Magnus cracked a smile. The corners of his lips tipped up at the corners, and something light diffused through his chest.

Ice cream and coffee. Ice cream, because they agreed that ice cream cured everything, and coffee, because they’d decided that their childhood love of hot chocolate had to end, because hot chocolate didn’t have enough caffeine in it for high school juniors.

Ice cream and coffee had become their thing. Even in the middle of winter. Jace and Raphael bonded over discussing how fucking weird they were. Neither he nor Alec cared.

“That sounds nice,” Magnus said, turning his head to look at Alec from beneath his lashes.

“Then we’ll do that.” Alec sounded pleased. He squeezed Magnus around the shoulders, letting his own eyes flutter closed. “After some sleep.”

Trying to fall asleep beside Alec was, Magnus suspected, a little better than trying to fall asleep alone. He could hear the rhythmic _thud-thud, thud-thud_ of Alec’s heart close by, could feel the soft curl of warm breath against his skin, could turn his face into the slumbering Alec’s shoulder when the demons in his head roared too loudly.

But Alec couldn’t drive away the nightmares.

*******

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away  
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now**

*******

The waiting room was painted a soft, buttercup yellow.

Along the walls hung photographs of staff with distinguished titles and PhDs and doctorates, boasting of their achievements and making the same empty comments in the little quotations below.

The seats took uncomfortable to a new level, in Alec’s opinion. He wanted to shift his weight, fidget a little, but such silence filled the room that breaking it with a squeaking chair seemed sacrilegious. He’d received a foul look from a woman sitting by the door when they’d walked in, and Alec had let the door swing shut behind them, not realising how loud the sound would seem in the quiet.

Beside him, Magnus appeared to be about thirty seconds from bolting right back out. He was fiddling with his rings, yanking them off and shoving them back on again and twisting them with unrelenting viciousness.

Luke had escorted him back to his mother’s house that morning to collect anything he wanted, now that the police had finished collecting evidence from the crime scene. He’d told Magnus that they could box up some of the furniture and put it in storage for him.

That had been nice. So had assuring both Magnus and Maryse that under no circumstances would anyone let Magnus be forced into a courtroom if he didn’t want to be. Luke had taken another long, detailed statement, and restated his offer to Magnus, handed over a folder of official-looking documents to Maryse, and then—

Well. Then, Luke had insisted on this.

A woman with her hair scraped back into a bun appeared in the waiting room. She seemed to smile from her eyes rather than her lips, and there was a calm steadiness in her gaze that Alec liked immediately.

“Magnus,” she said, eyes flickering through the people until they landed on Magnus and Alec. She glanced down at the clipboard she held in one hand, and smiled at them. “Come through.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said in a low voice as they stood up and made to follow her. “It’s gonna be fine, Magnus.”

Magnus shrugged him off. The rejection stung, but Alec forced himself not to dwell on it. Magnus was hurting. A lot. Things weren’t going to be normal yet.

“Take a seat,” the woman said breezily as she reached beyond her desk to push a window open a couple of inches as they walked into what Alec presumed was her office, or a consulting room, or whatever they were called. “I’m Doctor Greymark. But just Amatis is fine.”

She smiled again as she seated herself elegantly in the squishy red armchair that was positioned in front of a long wooden desk that looked like it had been snatched right out of the 1850s. Magnus and Alec dropped down onto the sofa robotically.

“I know you’re Magnus,” Amatis said, nodding. “And you’re...” She paused, looking down at her notes. “Alec?”

“Yes.”

There was a strange, calculating sort of edge to her smile as she said, “I’m very happy to have you in here today, as this is the first time Magnus has been in, but after that, you’ll have to wait outside.”

Alec opened his mouth to agree, because he was perfectly aware that he wasn’t the focus, here, but Magnus spoke first.

“I want him here.”

“I know you do,” Amatis told him, folding her fingers together and leaning forward. “And I understand why, after what you’ve been through. But that’s why Luke sent you to me. I’m here to help you work through this at your own pace and in your own way, and if you’re with someone you know and care about, you’re going to censor yourself. That’s not the goal. It might be hard, the first time, but it’ll be much more effective in the long-term.”

Magnus pressed his lips into a thin line, eyes narrowing. Alec shifted in place. He considered that developing an abrupt interest in his knuckles might be the best course of action.

“I don’t censor myself around Alec.”

“I think we all censor ourselves around those closest to us,” Amatis said, sitting back in her chair again and folding one leg over the other. “Why don’t we start with that today, then? Your relationship with Alec?”

Magnus didn’t blink. “Fine.”

Amatis glanced between them. “Are you a couple?”

There was a beat of silence during which Alec thought his heart might just pound its way right out of his chest at the fear that shot through him at the question. Amatis was a trained psychiatrist, a specialist in reading people. She’d probably realised how he felt about Magnus the moment she’d seen them in the waiting room. What if she hinted something to Magnus? What if she outed him? What if—?

“No,” Magnus said. “Alec’s my best friend.”

“Uh huh.” Amatis nodded, scribbling something on a pad of paper before looking back to Magnus.

She carried on asking questions, making little comments here and there but remaining remarkably impartial as she glossed over topics, taking the fast-track through the heavier bits. But Alec didn’t hear her. He was too worried about what she knew, and what she’d guessed and inferred, and what she might say to Magnus.

If Magnus ever found out...

Well. It would be the end of their friendship, Alec was sure. No friendship survived unrequited feelings unscathed. Especially not when Alec was lying to Magnus about his sexuality—for absolutely no reason other than, if Magnus thought he was straight, he’d never known that Alec had other feelings for him.

“...your mother?”

Alec’s head snapped up, cursing himself. This wasn’t about him. It was about Magnus. He needed to get a grip.

Beside him, Magnus had his jaw clenched, fingers curled into tight fists in his lap, and Alec was certain that if he blinked, the tears shining in his eyes would spill right over.

“I am not talking about my mother.”

Amatis arched an eyebrow. “Okay. We’ll get there.”

Judging by the look on Magnus’ face, Alec didn’t feel quite so confident.

*******

**And so I run to the things they said could restore me  
Restore life the way it should be  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down**

*******

Magnus still had tear-tracks on his face when he left Amatis’ office.

It had taken him five sessions to let her anywhere near the topic of his mother. Before, the wound had been far too fresh, still bleeding. It had been bandaged up, after two weeks, albeit crudely.

But the moment he’d started talking, everything had poured out, words tumbling over each other, twisting into lines of sheer incoherency born of pure emotion that he couldn’t begin to control. Amatis had let him talk, let him cry, ugly, horrible sobs ripping their way out of his throat as he spoke words he’d never thought he’d be able to voice aloud. How his relationship with his mother had deteriorated to the point of ruin. How Marcus had treated them both. How he felt responsible. How he hated her for doing this to him. How awful school was, how much he was struggling to keep up, how much the rumours got to him.

How, sometimes, he didn’t think it would ever get any better. How it didn’t feel worth so much pain.

How he simultaneously wanted to spend all his time around people - especially Alec - and wanted to scream at them all and hide. How sometimes he felt like he genuinely despised all his friends. How he kept thinking about what he felt for Alec, and felt guilty about it when his mother had just died.

Amatis had been right, he realised, as he ran out of steam. People did censor themselves around those they loved.

When Alec saw him from where he was sitting in the waiting room so they could go and get coffee afterwards, his entire face darkened. He stood up from his chair, stowing away his phone in his back pocket, and stepped forwards.

“Magnus—”

Magnus didn’t give him a chance to say anything. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Alec in a tight hug and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and feeling his heart rate slow, synchronising with the steady thump of Alec’s against his chest.

Alec hugged him back just as tightly, but Magnus could feel the questions, the confusion, the hesitation, the worry.

“Magnus...”

“I’m okay,” Magnus told him, pulling away and wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Really. I think I feel better than I have for weeks.”

Alec frowned at him for a moment, but then nodded, expression clearing somewhat.

“That’s good,” he said. “I’m glad. You wanna go for coffee?”

Magnus smiled at him as he reached down to take Alec’s hand, already stepping towards the exit. “Absolutely.”

Alec let out a startled laugh as Magnus dragged him out; Magnus grinned over his shoulder, feeling a thousand times lighter than he had when they’d walked in.

Alec had been right. He wasn’t alone in this. And it would get better. Magnus was sure his jubilance would die down eventually, but he believed. He knew he could do this. He could get through it. He could come out the other side stronger.

He knew his mother would have wanted him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, that chapter was super, super intense, but I promise, there’s nothing this heavy again! Some down moments, but this is the lowest point. It’s up from here! (With a few little bumps, of course...)
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading! If you’ve made it this far, please let me know what you thought in the comments, or you can hit me up on social media.
> 
> I’m not 100% sure whether I’ll have an update schedule for this, and if so what it will be, but I’ll make a decision and let you know.
> 
> Much love,  
> Lu <3


	6. Point of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus and Alec fall out, Camille is a snake, and Robert is a dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Hi.
> 
> This story is back! Hopefully it won’t take me 17001 years to update next time. I’ve split this chapter in half, because it was about 25k words, and I’m not about that life. So, here’s part 1! Warning for...Camille Belcourt? Do I need to say any more? (If I do need to say more, there are warnings for triggers/squicks in the end notes)
> 
> Song: POV by McFly

**I'm getting tired of asking**  
**This is the final time**  
**So did I make you happy?**  
**Because you cried an ocean**

*******

Age 17

  
Something in Alec couldn’t help but revolt every time he caught sight of Magnus across the lunchroom.

It was easy to convince himself that it was because they’d been inseparable for the best part of a decade, for what seemed like their whole lives. It was equally easy to admit that it was because he knew full-well that the blonde she-devil, whose hair Magnus was winding around his index finger as they laughed, was evil personified and Satan incarnate. It was even easy to admit that he was sad that he felt like he barely saw Magnus anymore, and scared that they were drifting apart irreparably.

All of that was true.

But it was hard to admit that he was jealous for a different reason.

“Stop brooding,” a sharp voice said.

Alec glanced up at Isabelle as she plonked her Caesar salad down with unnecessary force. Simon placed his pasta bake on the table in a much more reasonable manner, and they both kicked back into the tiny, hard cafeteria chairs.

“I’m not brooding.” Alec resumed his earlier activity of picking the tomato out of his sandwich, because he was absolutely not mature enough to stomach something so vile in his otherwise edible lunch. “I was thinking.”

“About what, chemistry?” Simon asked, and Isabelle snorted.

“Fuck off, both of you,” Alec told them. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Because you love us,” Simon said. “Now, come on, let it all out. Jace and Clary have gone off to make out somewhere, and Ragnor’s buying Raphael lunch because he’s a good soul. Hit us with the angst.”

Alec glared at him. Simon grinned.

Unfortunately, Simon was as persistent as an overexcited Labrador puppy - and similarly loyal, having decided that Alec would be his friend three days into kindergarten and thenceforth refusing to leave Alec alone.

A heavy sigh escaped through Alec’s nose; he felt his shoulders slump, and the part of him that had retained some semblance of pride through the nightmare of high school turned his nose up in disgust at how utterly pathetic he was. For god’s sake, Magnus was his best friend. He could function without him.

Except functioning without Magnus was, to Alec, rather like suddenly having to live without colour.

“She’s going to break his heart,” Alec muttered, shooting daggers over at Magnus and Camille Belcourt.

Camille, of course, matched Magnus is every way. Tall, gorgeous, witty, and far from academically stupid. She’d had her eye on Magnus for years; she hadn’t worried Alec at all until Magnus’ eyes had lit up when she argued a point against him in a chemistry lesson about whether or not science could be political.

( _Of course it could_ , Alec had wanted to scream at her. Magnus had been far more reasonable.)

And then, one night, Magnus had called Alec far too late, sounding giddy and lovestruck, to inform him that he and Camille had been on a date, and that it had been _so, so much fun_ , and that _she was really wonderful_ , and _not at all like we expected._

In Alec’s opinion, Camille was everything she always had been: cruel, selfish, and manipulative. Sadly, Magnus didn’t seem to see it that way. He’d become rather sick of Alec’s snide comments - which had, perhaps, been a little callous, a little tactless, but were undoubtedly true - and they’d stopped speaking for a week after Magnus had heatedly accused Alec of behaving like a child because he was jealous.

That wasn’t an unprecedented situation. But, when they’d made up, it hadn’t been about them. It had been about Camille. It had been Magnus defending her, Magnus trying to convince Alec that he was wrong about her, Magnus arguing that Alec would just have to get used to her being in Magnus’ life.

So Alec had resigned himself to the fact that this was the new reality. Watching Magnus and Camille sitting together, laughing, kissing, touching, Magnus watching her like she’d hung the goddamn moon and Camille notably not looking at Magnus in the same way.

Camille not looking at Magnus like Alec wanted to, so, so desperately.

Not like Magnus deserved.

“She’s a vulture,” Isabelle said savagely.

The comment made Alec raise his eyebrows in surprise. Isabelle was the last person to talk shit about other girls. The fact that she felt strongly enough about Camille to make such a comment spoke volumes.

“Magnus is such a good dude,” Simon said, glancing at Alec and Isabelle. “It just doesn’t make sense. Why can’t he see it?”

The look Isabelle shot Alec out of the corner of her eye made Alec shift in place in discomfort, uncomfortable with the sensation of Isabelle seeing right through him.

“Because he’s in love with her,” Isabelle said, and Alec felt his heart shatter at the truth of her statement. “And love is blind.”

*******

**When there's a thousand lines  
About the way you smile  
Written in my mind  
But every single word's a lie**

*******

The first time it had happened, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal.

Magnus and Alec cancelled their Friday after-school ritual of going out for coffee and ice cream, even in the dead of winter, or sometimes going home to each other’s houses for it. Things happened. It wasn’t out of the ordinary.

For Magnus’ birthday, after his mother’s passing, Alec had bought him a series of dance lessons at a local school. It was just once a week, but Magnus had latched onto it with a fervour Alec hadn’t expected. He adored it, and Alec adored watching him, both for the entrancing, fluid way he moved, and for the relaxed ease with which he danced, all the tension bleeding from him as he breathed in the music.

The first time it had happened, Magnus had told Alec that he wanted to head back to the dance studio, because he was performing in something small the following week, and he wanted to practise.

Alec hadn’t minded being cancelled on at all. Not for that. Until, of course, he’d heard on Monday that Camille had gone over with Magnus to watch him. That had made Alec bristle.

The second time, it was a little more obvious. Magnus was going on a date with Camille, and they simply couldn’t reschedule. Alec didn’t get a chance to ask Magnus whether he and Magnus could reschedule instead; Magnus had hung up on him at the faint, girlish call of Camille, her words inaudible through the phone line.

The third time wasn’t a cancellation, so much as it was a disaster. Magnus spent half their time looking at his phone, pulling it out every time another notification from Camille flashed up on his screen (Alec wanted to throw the damn thing out of the window and roll over it with his mother’s car—twice) and consequently paying no attention to what Alec was saying, and the other half talking about how fantastic Camille was.

Somehow, Alec doubted that, but he smiled, held his tongue, and busied himself with their shared ice cream and his coffee.

They didn’t really try after that.

So, when Alec texted Magnus on Friday morning, not having spoken to him all week - which, after five months of Magnus and Camille’s nauseating relationship, wasn’t at all unusual - to ask about coffee and ice cream, he was astounded when he got an almost immediate reply in the affirmative.

The curdling in his stomach at the thought of spending an hour alone with Magnus, however, wasn’t altogether pleasant. Pleased, perhaps, but poisoned with bitterness and anger and jealousy. He wanted to feel terrible that he wasn’t happier about Magnus’ romantic bliss, but he didn’t. Maybe he was wrong about Camille - maybe she was lovely, if she made Magnus so happy - but he wasn’t wrong about the fact that a relationship shouldn’t have spelt the end for their friendship. Even Raphael, who lived to disagree with everyone about everything, agreed with him about that.

Alec had already snatched a booth in their favourite little café when Magnus walked in. He offered his friend a half-hearted smile, and waved to catch Magnus’ attention.

“Hey,” he said, as Magnus slid into the booth. “I got you a coffee.”

Magnus’ eyes lit up, and he dragged the mug towards himself, immediately taking a sip. “God, that’s good,” he groaned.

Alec looked down at the table and uncrossed his ankles.

“Yeah,” he said, after a beat of silence. “I know.”

When he glanced back up, Magnus was pinning him with a hard stare.

“Spit it out, Lightwood.” The words weren’t harsh, and neither was the way Magnus tipped his chin up, but there was a hint of impatience in his voice. Magnus clearly meant to be teasing, affectionately short, but he missed the mark by a mile. “Whatever it is, just say it.”

Alec shrugged. “Nothing. We just haven’t been here in a while. Together.”

“Not since...” Magnus appeared to be counting the weeks in his head, and then visibly gave up. “I can’t even remember. Shit.”

He laughed a little. Alec didn’t.

It had been nine weeks. Not that that mattered.

“So.” Alec stuck his spoon into the ice cream - vanilla, which was Alec’s second-favourite and Magnus’ favourite, but Magnus couldn’t abide by mint choc chip because he was weird, so it was what they usually had - and pushed a strawberry onto the spoon. “How’s life?”

Magnus shrugged. “Fine, good. It’s weird, isn’t it? That we don’t have any classes together this year? I feel like I don’t see you as much.”

It wasn’t the first time they hadn’t had any classes together - hell, they’d spent a year not even having lunch period together - but Alec didn’t point that out. He wasn’t in the mood for an argument.

“Mm,” he said instead. “How’s chemistry been?”

“Better,” Magnus said, lips curling at one corner.

After Sinta had died and Magnus’ entire life had been uprooted, Magnus’ grades had, understandably, gone to shit. The worst drop had been in chemistry, and, for the first time in their friendship, it had been Alec helping Magnus to decipher equations and plough through concepts. Alec doubted he explained it as well as Magnus and Izzy always did, but they got through it, together.

 _Together_ wasn't really a thing they still did, though. For all Alec knew, Magnus could have decided to apply to a university in Venezuela and study Ancient Greek.

Silence descended between them, and Alec felt immensely glad that he’d suggested the café and not his house. At least the bustling noise of parents with children and couples on dates and friends hanging out and the chatter of the staff managed to cover up the fact that they’d run out of things to say to each other in five minutes.

“Are you not gonna eat any of this?” Alec gestured to the ice cream with his spoon when he noticed that Magnus hadn’t touched it.

Magnus shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Alec frowned. “Not hungry?”

“No. Luke keeps buying pastries for breakfast. I only need one meal a day.”

Magnus was clearly going for a joke, but it fell flat. Alec couldn’t help the awful flashbacks to those few weeks the previous year, a month or so after Sinta had died, when Magnus had become... _odd_ about food. It hadn’t escalated - Alec suspected that Magnus’ psychiatrist had noticed, or Magnus had confessed to her, and she’d nipped it in the bud - but it had started like...

Well. Like that.

“Go on, just have a strawberry,” Alec said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m trying to cut down on sugar,” Magnus told him.

Alec arched an eyebrow. “Why? Dance?”

“No, Cam—”

The word cut off before Magnus could even finish the first syllable, but it was too late. Alec knew exactly what Magnus had been about to say, and it sent fury flooding through his veins. He was sure he looked utterly livid, but he wasn’t going to censor himself.

Alec ground his teeth together. “What? What the _hell_ , Magnus?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Relax. She just pointed out that she stays away from sugar and carbs for cheerleading, and said that as an athlete, I should too.”

Alec narrowed his eyes. “I bet she did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, come on.” Alec scoffed. “I know you, Magnus, I’m not stupid.”

“Camille is allowed to appreciate a person who takes care of themselves,” Magnus snapped. “You really need to get off her case.”

“Get off her case?” Alec stared at him in sheer astonishment. “I barely speak to you anymore, Magnus! I don’t have a chance to be _on_ her case! The last time I was, we argued and didn’t speak for a week, so funnily enough, I haven’t been that keen on trying it again!”

“Doesn’t seem to have stopped you today.”

“I don’t know whether you remember, Magnus,” Alec said, voice heavy with sarcasm, “but you weren’t in a great state of mind about food this time last year. Forgive me if I want to look out for you.”

Magnus glowered at him across the table. “You’re not my mother, Alec. You can stop looking out for me. I don’t need babying.”

Unable to stop himself, Alec glared at him. “I’m not _babying_ you, you asshole. I’m supposed to be your friend. Looking out for you is what I’m supposed to do. And vice versa. Or have you forgotten that, while you spend your entire goddamn life playing romance with Camille when all she wants to do is stick her tongue down your throat?”

“ _Fuck you_.”

Magnus stood up sharply, thighs bashing against the table and making it rattle. Hands braced against the table, he leant over it, glaring down at Alec with rage burning in his eyes. Alec glared right back, fingers curled into his palms hard enough for his nails to dig into his skin.

“Fuck you,” Magnus said again, before storming out of the café and slamming the door behind him.

Eyes stinging, Alec followed his progress as he rushed out of the establishment and across the sidewalk. Magnus lifted a hand to press hard against his mouth, shoulders tense and hunched in on himself, and Alec felt bile rise in his throat when he realised that Magnus was crying.

 _Fuck_.

He wanted to run after him, grab his arm and make Magnus look at him, and tell him that he was sorry, because god, he was. Making Magnus cry would always be the last thing Alec wanted to do. But he knew he shouldn’t. Because he’d end up saying something horrible again, and they’d be right back in the same place.

 _Fuck_.

Leaning his head back against the booth, eyes fluttering closed, Alec pushed the ice cream away, wondering how things had become this fucked up between them. With a heavy, sinking feeling in his heart, he wondered whether the friendship that was so dear to him had simply been broken beyond repair.

*******

**I never wanted everything to end this way  
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey  
I swore to you that I would do my best to change  
But you said it don't matter**

*******

After Magnus stormed out on Alec, Magnus expected to get a text from him eventually. He didn’t know what about, precisely - something in anger, or something guilty, or something neutral and peace-keeping - but he didn’t expect radio silence.

Which was what he got.

Unfortunately, nobody seemed to be particularly sympathetic to his plight. He’d called Camille the moment he’d got back to Luke’s place - referring to Luke’s house as _home_ still felt bizarre - but she’d ended up cutting him off to deal with some emergency one of the other cheerleaders was having. Raphael had been equally unhelpful. 

And Ragnor—

Well.

“Are you listening to me at all?” Magnus demanded, waving his fork around where they were sitting at a table together at lunch, on their own.

“I’m listening to every word,” Ragnor said, looking up. “I’m just not saying anything.”

“Why? You always have something to say. You’re Ragnor Fell. You’re an eighty year old man trapped in a teenager’s body. You’re my sage advice guru.”

Ragnor rolled his eyes. “Yes, Magnus, I’m your _sage advice guru_. But this guru doesn’t have anything that to say that you’re going to listen to, so I’m going to be supportive by listening and not say anything to start an argument.”

Magnus set his fork down. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

A heavy sigh escaped from between Ragnor’s lips. He shook his head, casting his eyes about for a moment, before fixing his gaze intently on Magnus. He leant forwards across the table and folded his fingers together.

“Magnus, for someone who is usually so very self-aware, and so aware of other people’s feelings, at the moment you are being particularly dense.”

Magnus pulled a face. “About what?”

“About Camille!” Ragnor hissed. “For god’s sake, Magnus, you’re—”

“No.” Magnus cut Ragnor off, grinding his teeth together. “No, Ragnor, I have had it up to here with people getting on my case about Camille. I _like_ her. Just because she’s the type of person you all look down on from your moral high horses doesn’t mean there’s actually anything wrong with her.”

“We’re not out to make you miserable, Magnus, we’re your friends. We’re looking out for you.”

“Well you can stop.” His eyes cut across to where the Lightwood siblings and their assorted friends-who-were-practically-family always sat, and then back to Ragnor. “I’m not a child.”

“We know that. But just consider that maybe Alec is trying to be there for you, and isn’t trying to ruin your relationship for shits and giggles.”

With a shrug, Magnus moved the topic on. He had no desire to keep talking about Alec. It made his stomach churn and twist unpleasantly. They’d spent so much time together - as kids, in middle school, even in high school - up until this year. And Magnus knew full well that those feelings he refused to acknowledge that were always brewing just beneath the surface were not only entirely unreturned, but also never would be returned, and would only lead to heartbreak.

His first real, serious attempt at dousing the simmering embers of those feelings for good, his first attempt that felt like it could light a fire all of its own rather than just reduce another, was Camille. She made him feel valued. Wanted, desired, sexy. She made him feel _good_. She made him forget about all the things he couldn’t have. She made him want something else.

Unbidden, his eyes wandered over to the table Alec always occupied, and he wondered when he’d stopped joining him. He spent most of his lunchtimes with Camille, who would never get along with his friends, but Camille wasn’t here. She was...somewhere else. Doing something else. And he still hadn’t entertained the idea of going over there.

After his attempt at coffee and ice cream Friday with Alec the previous week, it felt doomed to failure.

Alec was turned away from Magnus, shoulders hunched in on himself while Simon, Isabelle and Clary were watching him, faces creased with concern. The sight made Magnus straighten in his seat, brows drawing together. Isabelle reached across to touch Alec’s forearm, and Alec dropped his head to rest - or, rather, bury - his face in the crooks of his elbows where his arms were bent up on the table.

The way Isabelle’s face crumpled into devastation said everything.

“What’s going on?” Magnus asked Ragnor, unable to tear his eyes away as he tried to bat down the instinct to run over there and drag Alec into a hug and protect him from everything in the world that could ever try to hurt him.

Ragnor followed his gaze. “I think everything’s getting to Alec. Poor guy looked like he was about to cry this morning in English lit.”

Magnus felt his eyes go wide. “Why? What happened?”

“Oh.” Ragnor’s gaze flickered back to him, voice heavy with realisation. “You don’t know.”

“Don’t know what? Ragnor, what the hell—”

“It’s not my place to say,” Ragnor told him, holding his hands up with his palms forward. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck this.” Magnus stood. “He’s meant to be my best friend, I’m going over there.”

Alarm broke out across Ragnor’s face, and he tried to grab at Magnus’ sleeve to stop him leaving the table, but he missed.

“Magnus, I’m really not sure that’s a good idea.”

Magnus ignored him.

As he got closer to the table, approaching from behind Alec, the gazes of his friends flickered upwards. Expressions of mixed worry and surprise and confusion and a hint of anger flashed across each of their faces in turn, and Magnus swallowed around an abrupt dose of guilt; was he really behaving in a way that evoked that kind of reaction?

“Alec,” Simon said, jerking his chin pointedly towards Magnus.

Alec lifted his head and turned. His eyes were blank for several moments as he took in the sight of Magnus in front of him. Magnus had to reign in the desire to gape at Alec’s appearance. Devastated didn’t quite cover it.

“What the hell is going on?” Magnus asked, raking over every inch of Alec’s exhausted face, noting the redness of his eyes and the dark bags beneath.

Alec huffed out a breath of a laugh, but there was no humour to it. Something ugly and hurt twisted in Magnus’ gut.

“What do you care, Magnus?”

Alec didn’t sound angry. He just sounded tired. So tired. And somehow that was worse.

Magnus stared at him. “Of course I care! You’re my best friend!”

“Oh, yeah.” Alec let out another one of those bitter laughs that tore at Magnus’ heart. “Yeah, sure. Remind your girlfriend about that. I don’t think she knows you’re allowed to have friends.”

Despite Alec’s appearance, despite the fact that something beyond shit was clearly going on, Magnus’ temper flared up at that, burning hot and raging as it seared through his veins and lit his blood on fire.

“I shouldn’t have to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend,” Magnus snapped.

Alec merely shook his head. “I’m not the one making you choose.”

He didn’t hold Magnus’ gaze for a moment longer. He turned back to the table, picking at his uneaten lunch and wrinkling his nose at the cheap, shitty machine coffee served in their cafeteria. He acted as though he wasn’t fully aware of Magnus standing right behind him like a fool.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, and stayed long enough to see Alec’s shoulders tense, but fled before Isabelle, Simon and Clary could see the tears stinging at his eyes.

*******

**I'm looking at you from another point of view  
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you  
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do**

*******

Kissing Camille was...intense.

Everything about Camille was intense. What Magnus felt for Camille was intense, and terrifying, and he was always acutely aware of the fact that, for the first time, he’d given someone his heart, openly and honestly. For the first time, someone had the power to break it.

So why did it feel like it was already cracked?

He’d never given Alec his heart. Alec didn’t know how Magnus felt. And Alec never _could_ know. If Alec were to find out, it could mark the end of their friendship. Magnus never, ever wanted to lose Alec—although it felt like he already had.

“Come on,” Camille purred, running a hand down his chest where they were sprawled out on her spacious bed, among silky sheets that felt wonderful against Magnus’ bare skin. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” Magnus skidded his hands up her back, bunching in the material of her top as he tried to haul his mind away from Alec and into the present. Kissing Camille. Touching Camille. Being with Camille. She was everything he’d ever wanted, and more. Except—

No.

He wasn’t going to think about that. He was going to focus on Camille. Focus on how it felt to be with her. How all-consuming it was. Intoxicating. Heady. Addictive. Like walking into a haze of smoke and sinking into it, breathing in the rich scent. Walking in further, coming back, being engulfed in it, because it was just so good. So disgustingly good.

“Hmmm.” One corner of Camille’s lips pulled into a smirk. “I don’t believe you.”

In one swift movement, Camille rolled them over, so that Magnus was splayed out on his back rather than lounging easily on his side. She held herself over him, eyes roaming over every inch of his body. Magnus shivered under that look. He felt like she could see every crack in him. It made him want to cover up every imperfection he had. It made him want to be perfect for her. He had to be perfect. That was what Camille deserved. Less than would never do.

That was why he’d started watching what he ate a little. It was why he’d slackened his grip on his schoolwork just a touch to focus on spending time with Camille, when she wanted him to. It was why he’d cut down on the amount of dance he did, because Camille didn’t want him to meet her parents yet, and the only time they were out of the house clashed with one of his dance sessions.

“I think–” Camille hovered with her lips close to his “–you should prove it to me.”

Magnus shuddered, but he shook his head. “I’m not in the mood. I’m sorry.”

As though the words were a physical slap, Camille sat back on her haunches and moved off from where she’d been straddling his legs. She fixed him with an incredulous look.

“Pardon?”

“I’m not in the mood.” Magnus scrubbed a hand across his face as guilt filled him. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Should have just let her do it. “I’m sorry. I’m preoccupied.”

“By what?” Camille demanded. “Are you cheating on me?”

“What?” Magnus couldn’t stop the horror bleeding into his voice. “No! God, no. It’s nothing like that. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Camille sniffed disdainfully, as though she didn’t quite believe him. “What is it, then?”

Magnus dropped his gaze. “I had a fight with Alec. Well, not really a fight, even, just... We spoke. And it didn’t go to plan. And we fought the week before, and I...I feel like I’m losing him.”

Camille shrugged. “Maybe it’s time to let him go.”

“No.” Magnus stomach churned. “No, I don’t want to do that.”

“I never really got your thing with him.”

“There’s nothing to _get_. He’s my best friend. That’s it.”

“Yes.” Something undeniably cold glinted in Camille’s eyes, swirling and sharp and jagged, like shards of shattered ice. “I’m sure it is.”

*******

**Is this a sign from Heaven  
Showing me the light?  
Was this supposed to happen?**

*******

Alec hated phone calls.

There were a very limited number of people in the world for whom he would subject himself to such a thing. And, at that particular moment, Magnus was not on his list. Irrespective of how many times his phone rang and his screen lit up with Magnus’ gorgeous smiling face and Alec’s heart lurched and twisted and hurt, he would not answer.

His parents were getting divorced, and his baby brother was devastated and acting out. He was hiding an enormous secret - well, two - that made him feel sick to think about. His best friend had abandoned him for some busty bitch who was going to break his goddamn heart.

Alec felt like his life was falling apart, and there was nothing he could do about it.

**[From: Alec Lightwood, 23:33]**

**STOP CALLING ME. I don’t want to talk to you.**

**[From: Magnus Bane, 23:33]**

**pls talk to me**

**[From: Magnus Bane, 23:33]**

**I miss you and Camille is gone and I don’t know where**

**[From: Magnus Bane, 23:34]**

**pleeeeeaaaassssseeeee**

Alec exhaled, a weary, long-suffering sigh, and counted to ten before he so much as turned to his call app. He needed to calm down before he phoned a drunk Magnus and started shouting at him for being such a fucking idiot all the time.

“Alec!”

Magnus sounded genuinely astounded as he answered, which was, Alec had to admit, some feat for someone who also sounded like they’d had about twenty vodka shots. Even through the phone, whatever party Magnus was at sounded so loud it made Alec wince.

“What is it?” Alec asked, trying his best not to snap. “What did you want?”

“I wanted to talk to you. Because I miss you and we keep arguing and I hate arguing with you. And you were so sad the other day, and I wanted to make it better because you being sad makes me sad because you’re sad, but you didn’t want me there and I just want to stop fighting with you.”

“Fuck.” Alec exhaled and wrapped an arm around his torso in an attempt to soothe the aching agony that shot through him. “Could we not have talked about this when you’re not completely fucking hammered, you asshole? Why have you drunk so much, anyway?”

“The only person here that I know is Camille and she’s gone. She left me all alone. I don’t know where she is.”

Alec had a suspicion, but he couldn’t make himself say it. Besides, it was entirely unfounded. He had no evidence. Not even circumstantial. It was just a gut instinct. He wasn’t going to say it when he didn’t really know, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Where are you?” Alec asked, already climbing off his bed. He clicked his phone onto speaker and yanked a hoodie on.

“It’s Lorenzo Ray’s party.”

“I know where that is.” Alec zipped up his hoodie, picked up his phone, and pressed it back to his ear as he jogged down the stairs, scrawled a quick note to Izzy, and headed out to the car that he and his siblings shared. “I’ll meet you at the end of the road.”

“You’re coming?” Magnus’ voice brightened audibly. It made Alec’s heart feel like someone was trying to gouge it out with an apple corer.

“Yeah, I’m coming to pick you up and I’m taking you home and Luke can lay into you for me.”

“Are you still angry with me?”

“I’m furious,” Alec said, honestly, “but I’m also your friend. So I’m here for your stupid, idiotic ass when you need me.”

When Alec reached Lorenzo Rey’s street, it took mere seconds to work out which house was his. The music boomed through the silent nighttime loudly enough to be audible even inside Alec’s car; Alec was surprised he hadn’t had complaints from his neighbours. Although, that said, Lorenzo was about as arrogant and obtuse as a person could be, so it was possible that he had, and simply hadn’t given a shit.

After texting Magnus to let him know that he was there, Alec climbed out of his car to lean against the hood, tapping his fingers impatiently as he waited. It was fucking cold. He hadn’t realised how goddamn cold when he’d left home.

He glanced up when he heard Magnus’ voice floating through the air from Lorenzo’s driveway, where a girl was in the process of throwing up in a bush, surrounded by three other very drunk girls who were peering at her with unsteady concern.

“No!” Magnus stumbled as he fell through the front door, as though he’d just yanked himself from someone’s grip. “I’m leaving!”

“But why?” The mere sound of Camille’s simpering tones made Alec want to join the drunk girl turning her stomach inside out. “We were having fun, Magnus.”

“You were having _fun_ ,” Magnus said. “Without me.”

“Don’t be like that.”

Her long-nailed fingers wrapped around Magnus’ arm, body shielding his from view in an astonishingly possessive manner. She barred her teeth aggressively when a girl walked past and smiled at Magnus, and Alec raised his eyebrows. Fucking hell.

“Leave me alone,” Magnus said, hauling his arm away and taking several hasty steps backwards. “Just go away. Go back to _Sebastian_.”

“Oh, come on, Magnus.” Camille rolled her eyes. “That didn’t mean anything.”

“I don’t care what it meant!” Magnus threw his hands up, checks flushed a dull, angry red. “You still did it!”

“Why do you care? I told you it didn’t mean anything.”

“It did to me!” Magnus shouted. “I always give you everything you goddamn want, I put you first, above everything else in my life, and you throw it back in my face and then tell me it doesn’t fucking mean anything? Bullshit. I’m fucking done. I love you and you just fuck me over. Fuck this. Fuck everything. And especially fuck you.”

Alec had straightened up, brow furrowing in concern as he listened with rapt attention to the words being exchanged between Magnus and Camille. He had a fair idea of what Magnus was talking about, and it made his blood boil with rage and indignation and fury and, simmering below that, the unending hints of jealousy that he could never quite stamp out.

Mostly, he wanted to kill Camille for daring to hurt Magnus.

“You’re overreacting,” Camille snapped, stepping closer to him. She schooled her features, offering Magnus a sweet, soft smile as she lifted a hand to his cheek. “Come on. Come back with me. We can go to a bedroom and spend some time alone. Yeah?”

Blood red nails dragged lightly up Magnus’ chest, fingertips dipping into the v of his shirt to play across his skin. Magnus had gone rigid. His eyes scanned hers; Alec could practically see his mind working, trying to cut through the haze of alcohol clouding his thoughts to weigh things up and make a decision.

If Camille tried to take Magnus to bed when he was that drunk, Alec was personally going to murder her, right there in Lorenzo’s driveway. She was significantly more sober than Magnus. There was no way he’d let her take advantage of him like that.

“Magnus,” she purred, fingers running up and down his chest, the thumb of the other hand brushing against the pulse point in his neck. “Come. I’ll make you feel so much better.”

“I—” Something flashed in Magnus’ eyes. “No. I don’t want to.”

“You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying,” Camille said confidently. “You’ll feel better. Let’s go.”

Her fingers circled his wrist, and she made to pull Magnus back inside. Alec waited for Magnus to stop her, to draw himself away and say no again, to tell her where she could shove it. Because even drunk, Alec knew full well that Magnus stood up for himself. He always had. He always would. But Magnus wasn’t pulling away, was merely looking after her with a dazed, lost sort of expression floating in his eyes. He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing, and Alec saw red.

There was no fucking way he was going to sit there and let Magnus deal with the situation alone anymore. Any other time, he’d have kept his distance, after everything that’d been happening between them. But not after what he’d just heard. And certainly not when Magnus was drunk.

He pushed off from the car and was across the driveway and onto the porch in a mere handful of steps, owing to his long legs. He’d hated buying new clothes over the summer to accommodate his sudden height, but he loved the advantage it gave him now.

“Magnus,” Alec said loudly, stopping Camille and Magnus in their tracks.

The couple turned, annoyance flashing across Camille’s face and confusion across Magnus’. Then his eyes met Alec’s, and confusion was quickly swallowed by relief.

“Let’s go,” Alec told him, gesturing to the car. “I texted Luke. He won’t yell at you too much.”

“What?” Magnus glanced between Alec and Camille, but his gaze kept catching on Alec. “I don’t...”

“You texted me,” Alec reminded him. “And you kept calling me. You wanted to leave so I’m here to pick you up.”

“Well, you can go,” Camille said, levelling him with a cool look. “You’re not needed.”

Alec ignored her. “Magnus. You’re drunk out of your goddamn mind. Your girlfriend is trying to manipulate you into having sex with her so you’ll forgive her for cheating on you. I’m not letting her do this. Let’s go, or I’m calling Luke.”

“Fucking hell, you’re so boring,” Camille said, rolling her eyes. “What is wrong with you?”

Alec glared at her. “I could ask you the same thing, trying to sleep with someone who’s drunk. You don’t seem to understand the basic rules of consent. Magnus, are you coming or not?”

“I...” Magnus trailed off. “I thought you were pissed off. I thought you were angry with me.”

“Oh, yeah, I am,” Alec assured him. “But I’m way more angry with her, and you’re still my best friend and I still care about you. So you can either stay here or I can take you home, but I’m not leaving you with her.”

“I have a name,” Camille spat.

Alec turned to her. “Considering you’re trying to rape my friend, I don’t really give a fuck.”

“I’m not trying to _rape_ anybody. That’s ridiculous.”

“He’s drunk out of his mind! He can’t consent to sex! Besides which, I just heard him say no, but you ignored him.”

“He’s my boyfriend!”

“That doesn’t make any fucking difference! And you’ve just had a fight because you’re cheating on him!”

“He’s a guy. Guys all want sex. That’s why guys don’t get raped. Girls get raped.”

Alec stared at her with disgust. “I cannot even begin to list all the things wrong with what you just said.”

“Just because you’re broken doesn’t mean every other guy on the planet is,” Camille spat, and Alec flinched so violently he was sure it was visible. Camille’s smirk of victory at having successfully pushed the right button only confirmed what he already knew.

Magnus frowned at Camille. “He’s not broken.”

“Oh, come on. He never fucking dates anyone. He’s probably a virgin, and he never hits on girls. He’s probably _gay_ , and—”

“I’m gay,” Magnus said, frown deepening.

“You’re bisexual.”

“Yes, and? Why is that different?”

Camille’s eyes went wide, wild with frustration. “Because you’re not some fucked up prude who doesn’t seem to have any sexual desire whatsoever!”

Silence fell for a moment. Magnus stared. Camille stared right back, chest rising and falling heavily. Alec tried not to throw up.

“I’m going with Alec,” Magnus said firmly, turning away from her. “Goodbye.”

“Magnus! Come on!”

“I said, I’m going with Alec,” Magnus snapped when Camille tried to grab at him, and yanked his arm out of her grasp. “Leave me alone.”

He reached for Alec, fingers curling into the front of his hoodie, and he stared at him for a long, heavy moment. They hadn’t been this close for months, and the proximity made Alec’s heart thud.

“Please take me home,” Magnus said.

“Of course,” Alec told him, and steered him away from Camille, towards the car. He opened the back door and helped Magnus onto the backseat. “Try not to throw up, yeah?”

Magnus offered him a weak smile. “I’ll try.”

*******

**I'm better off without you  
So you can leave tonight  
'N don't you dare come back and try to make things right  
'Cause I'll be ready for a fight, yeah**

*******

A gentle hand on his shoulder made Magnus open his eyes. He regretted it the moment he did, when a wave of dizziness hit him and he had to close them again to stop himself throwing up. God, where the hell was he?

“We’re here,” Alec said, and Magnus blinked several times. Alec? What was Alec doing here?

Oh. Right. Lorenzo’s party. Camille with her tongue down Sebastian’s throat and her hands down the front of his pants. The five shots he’d done in response, to cheers from the crowd. The drunk phone calls, and Alec turning up to take him home, and everything Camille had said to them—

“Magnus. Come on. Luke’s gonna come out and drag you inside in a minute.”

Magnus sat up slowly, groaning. “God, he’s gonna kill me.”

Alec shook his head. “He’ll need to get in line.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, looking up at him.

Silhouetted by the shine of the stars and and painted by the milky glow of the moonlight with the wind ruffling his hair, Alec had never looked more beautiful. Even in a hoodie that should never have seen the outside of his bedroom, he took Magnus’ breath away.

“I’m not doing this now,” Alec told him. “I’m tired, and I’m pissed off, and you’re drunk. I’m taking you inside and then I’m going home and hoping neither of my parents have deigned to come home since I left.”

Magnus frowned. That didn’t sound good.

Alec didn’t give him a chance to say anything else. He opened the car door wider, and tapped his fingers against the metal as he waited for Magnus to climb out. The door swung shut with a thud, and a warm hand pressed against the small of Magnus’ back when he swayed in place. A glance to his left showed Alec, watching him with concern in his eyes.

“Come on,” Alec said, voice oddly soft.

At the door, Luke stood with his arms folded across his chest, a frown painted across his face as he followed their progress up the driveway. Magnus wondered whether Alec had texted Luke to let him know what was going on.

“God, you stink,” Luke said, wrinkling his nose as Magnus got close. “How much have you had to drink?”

“A lot,” Magnus said.

“I can tell.” Luke looked grim. “Get upstairs. I’ll bring you some water. Don’t fall asleep until you’ve had something to drink. And thank your lucky stars that you’ve got Alec, because there’s no way I would have driven over to pick up your drunk ass.”

“I know,” Magnus said, turning to look at Alec over his shoulder.

Conflict warred in his eyes, flashing in dark shades of hazel and clashing in sprays of green. He hadn’t crossed the threshold into the house; the line separating them felt like an insurmountable obstacle. It hurt. It reflected everything that had gone so very wrong in the last few months. No matter how close they got, there was something between them that they couldn’t break through.

Magnus hated it. He hated that he’d contributed so much to it. But he knew that he hadn’t built it on his own.

That knowledge hurt more.

“Thank you, Alec,” Luke said, when Magnus remained silent.

“It’s okay.” Alec didn’t smile. “If you want me to take him off your hands tomorrow, let me know.”

Luke’s eyebrows shot up. Magnus wondered whether he knew that something between them was broken.

But, “Will do,” was all Luke said. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Luke. Magnus.”

There was pain in Alec’s voice, and Magnus realised that he would have done anything in the world to make it go away. Even drunk out of his mind, even ruined with heartbreak, even tormented and traumatised and devastated, he’d have done anything to soothe away the pain.

That night, he knew, the pain was his fault.

”Alec,” he whispered, when Alec tore his eyes away and began to turn. Alec paused, and glanced back at him. “You’re not broken.”

Something dark twisted at Alec’s expression. He didn’t say a word, but he swallowed visibly, and dropped his gaze. Clearly, he had nothing to say to that. Nothing to say to the fact that Magnus had to defend the person he loved most against the heinous words of his girlfriend.

So Magnus turned away, and tried to eliminate the sight of Alec standing on the other side of the door, eyes burning with emotion, from his mind.

*******

**I never wanted everything to end this way  
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey  
I swore to you that I would do my best to change  
But you said it don't matter**

*******

“Why won’t you talk to him?”

Magnus sighed, hanging his head over his lunch where he was sitting with Ragnor and Raphael and Clary, who’d been suffering a bad period with Jace, and desperately wanted a bit of breathing room.

“Because I’m absolutely mortified.”

“I hate to break this to you, but Alec had already seen you at your worst,” Ragnor said, not unreasonably.

“And I think Isabelle is going to kill you if you don’t start trying to fix things,” Clary added. “I was going to kill you a week ago, too.”

“Thank you so much, biscuit,” Magnus said, rolling his eyes. “That makes me feel much better.”

“They’re both right,” Raphael said. “And this is boring. You two have always been infuriatingly inseparable. This is bullshit. You’ve dumped the blonde bitch. You’ve realised you were being an idiot. Not that it was entirely your fault. You can make up now.”

“But what if we can’t? What if this is...irreparable?”

Clary and Ragnor’s expressions softened with sympathy. Raphael’s didn’t, but Magnus wasn’t surprised by that in the slightest. It would have been more concerning if Raphael had been nice about it.

“Who are you all going to prom with?” Clary asked, changing the subject—or so Magnus thought.

“Nobody,” Raphael said, wrinkling his nose. “I’m not even sure I’m going.”

“He is. I’m making him go.” Ragnor grinned at Raphael, who glared back at him. “I’m going with Anna.”

“Pretty Anna?” Clary raised her eyebrows, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Biology Anna you keep gushing about? Anna who you totally don’t fancy?”

Ragnor huffed. “Yes, that Anna.”

Clary patted him on the shoulder. “Good for you. I’m going with Jace, obviously, if I don’t kill him first. Isabelle’s going with Meliorn, because apparently they’re getting serious. I think Simon is going with someone called Maureen. I’m not totally sure who she is.”

“I have chemistry with her,” Magnus said. “She’s nice. Didn’t know she and Simon were a thing, though.”

“Oh, they’re not.” Clary shook her head a little. “The object of Simon’s affections is unavailable.”

A gentle smile curled at Ragnor’s lips. “Clarissa, my darling, we all know that Simon is hopelessly in love with Isabelle. You don’t have to censor yourself.”

Clary stuck out her tongue. “I feel like a bad friend when I bring it up. Magnus, what about you?”

Magnus fixed her with a glare. “Obviously, I was going to go with the She-Devil, but that’s not happening any more. So I’m going alone. I’m not missing it, because my organisation has been perfect and the theme is amazing.”

A thought hit Magnus, abruptly and with no warning, and he froze, eyes flickering between his friends as icy water washed over him.

“Who’s Alec going with?”

Clary shrugged. “Nobody. I asked, but he said he’s not going. That was a few weeks ago, though. But I doubt he’ll have changed his mind. He never does.”

Magnus’ breaths came easier, and he glanced across the lunchroom, to where Alec sat with Isabelle, Jace and Simon, head thrown back as he laughed at something Simon said. His eyes were shining, and, when he gestured with his hands, all Magnus wanted to do was grab those fingers in his, pull him close, and kiss him.

“It’s Friday,” Magnus said suddenly, and all three of his friends turned to stare at him as though he’d entirely lost his mind.

“Yes,” Ragnor said, slowly. “And?”

“Coffee and ice cream,” Magnus said, not really paying any attention to the others, because he knew they wouldn’t understand. “I’ll see you later.”

When he reached Alec’s table, Magnus lent down to murmur in Alec’s ear.

“Coffee and ice cream. I’ll pay.”

And, feeling lighter than he had for weeks, Magnus walked out before Alec had a chance to respond.

*******

**I'm looking at you from another point of view  
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you  
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do**

*******

Magnus was nervous.

It had been a while since he’d felt like this. He couldn’t remember ever feeling like this waiting for Alec. Indifferent, sometimes, in recent months, or regretful, or angry, or occasionally even guilty, but not nervous. Until now.

Alec walked into the shop several minutes after Magnus had arrived, eyes casting around for him. Once, Alec’s eyes would light up when he partook in that particular ritual of locating Magnus and walking over to him. Not anymore.

“Hey,” Alec said, as he took a seat opposite Magnus in the booth. “How are you?”

“Good,” Magnus replied, and nodded to the coffee. “I bought you one. And I bought ice cream.”

Alec’s eyes flickered up as he wrapped his hands around the cardboard cup, and Magnus smiled weakly at him. He knew they were both remembering last time they’d done this, when Magnus had admitted that Camille had been making him feel insecure about his body by commenting on his eating habits and Alec had seen red. 

With hindsight, Alec had been right. Every time.

“Thanks,” was all Alec said, but Magnus could see every unspoken word in his eyes.

They were silent for a moment, as Magnus took a sip of his coffee and Alec picked up a spoon to taste the ice cream. Neither of them spoke until their spoons clashed, and Alec jumped so hard he nearly knocked over his coffee. Magnus’ chest ached. 

“Alec, god, I—” Magnus exhaled. “I’m sorry.”

Alec set his spoon down and looked up at Magnus, folding his hands together. “I know you are.”

“I never meant for all this to happen. I— Dating Camille was never supposed to cause anything like this. It was just... I liked her, and it felt good to be desired and wanted, and I wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to be with her at the expense of you.”

“I could have been kinder.” Alec twisted his fingers together. “I didn’t exactly mince my words when it came to her.”

“You shouldn’t have had to. You should never have to censor yourself around me. I’m sorry I didn’t see that this was tearing our friendship apart until it was too late.”

“It’s not too late,” Alec said, softly. He shook his head. “Late, maybe, but not too late. And please stop apologising. You didn’t do this on your own. I’m sorry too. And she...manipulated you. She took advantage of you. She played on your weaknesses and insecurities for whatever sick, twisted pleasure she got from controlling you.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t see it.” Magnus could hear the bitterness bleeding into his voice. “You kept telling me, nicely and then blatantly, and I didn’t listen, because I was too determined to believe that you were wrong. I told myself you were jealous, or you were prejudiced because you just didn’t like her, or a million other things. I didn’t want to consider that you were right.”

“I _was_ jealous,” Alec said, and Magnus’ eyes snapped up.

“What?”

Alec shrugged. “I was jealous. You’re my best friend, and I could feel you slipping further and further away with every passing week. And then I needed you, and I realised that you weren’t there all the time anymore, and it hurt. And I was jealous. I felt like she was replacing me, and I felt like I couldn’t turn to you anymore.”

Magnus couldn’t breathe, his mind too stuck on the middle of Alec’s little speech. _I needed you, and you weren’t there._ The words ran through his mind, over and over and over, and all he could do was stare at Alec in sheer, unadulterated horror.

God, he was an awful, awful person.

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus choked out. “Alec, I—”

“Stop.”

In a movement that was clearly unconscious, Alec’s hand shot across the table to grasp at his. They both froze, eyes fixed on the point of contact, stiff right through. How long had it been since they last touched each other like that? Since they last touched at all?

Then Magnus relaxed. Because, fucking hell, this was Alec. This was his best friend. He loved Alec more than he loved anyone else in the world, and he’d come far too close to losing him. He wasn’t going to make this weird. He was going to fight to get back everything they’d had before, because it had been so, so precious to him. It had got him through the worst days of his life, and he’d be damned if he was going to lose it over Camille fucking Belcourt.

He turned his hand over beneath Alec’s and slid their palms together, fingers curling into Alec’s. A glance up afforded him the sight of Alec watching their hands with warm hazel eyes and slightly parted lips, something hazy in his expression.

Alec looked up, met his gaze, and said again, softly, “Stop.”

“You just told me you needed me and I wasn’t there,” Magnus said. “You were there for me every single time I needed you last year, and then it’s my turn to repay the favour and I’m too busy making out with someone who’s cheating on me anyway.”

Alec’s grip on his hand tightened. “Magnus—”

“You were right. That day, when you were upset and you snapped at me and told me that you weren’t the one making me choose between my friends and my girlfriend. You were right. I just didn’t see it. God, I was a fucking idiot. You were right every time.”

“Magnus.”

Alec let go of his coffee and reached over to pry Magnus’ free hand from where he was scrubbing it through his hair. He gripped both Magnus’ hands in his and locked their gazes with an intensity that made Magnus want to squirm and look away.

He didn’t.

“It’s done,” Alec said, with such softness that Magnus’ eyes stung and his throat tightened. “It’s done, and it’s over. I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty. That’s the last thing I want. There’s no point in agonising over what happened. Okay? She was blatantly awful to you, and beating yourself up about not seeing it sooner isn’t going to help you stop hurting.”

“I shouldn’t be the one hurting,” was all Magnus could find to say, through numb lips.

Alec arched an eyebrow. “Why’s that?”

“Because you’re the one I pulled away from and abandoned, and—”

“And you’re the one who was in a horrible, toxic relationship with someone who cheated on you and manipulated you and took advantage of you. It was all shitty, but it’s done now. So let’s try to move on.”

“Okay.” Magnus inhaled. “Yeah, you’re right. Okay.”

Alec smiled a small, sad smile, and released Magnus’ hands so he could go back to his coffee. “Good.”

“Wait, Alec, what did you mean?” Magnus frowned at him. “When you said that you needed me, and that day when you were so upset but you didn’t want to talk to me. What’s going on?”

As Magnus spoke, Alec visibly turned stiff, his entire body tensing. His eyes dropped down to the table, and he swallowed, clearly unwilling to look Magnus in the eye.

“My parents are getting a divorce,” he said, with such frank finality that it took Magnus a moment to register what he’d said.

“Oh, god. I’m so sorry.” The words felt woefully inadequate. Desperately, he said, “Is there anything I can do?”

Alec shrugged. “No. It’s not a surprise, really. It’s just...Dad was having an affair, so Mom is kicking him out, and it’s basically mutual, but... Max doesn’t really get it, you know? And Mom... She’s known for years, but she hasn’t done anything about it because she didn’t want it to traumatise us, but it’s reached breaking point. It’s better like this. But Max doesn’t see it that way.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said again.

“Yeah. Me too. There’s nothing to you can do, really, I don’t know why I’m even telling you.”

“I want to know,” Magnus said firmly. “I want to listen to you. You listening to me has always helped.”

“Yeah.” Alec smiled faintly at him, eyes flickering up. His expression was saturated with sadness, but something warmer lingered just behind it. “You listening to me used to help, too. Thank you.”

“Always,” Magnus said, and reached over to fold his fingers through Alec’s, while he curled his free hand around the warmth of his coffee cup. “Always.”

It felt like a vow. And, when Alec’s fingers closed around his, it felt like the most sacred oath he could ever make.

*******

**And you said, and you said, and you said  
And you said, and you said, and you said  
And you said it don't matter**

*******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Things you might not like: emotional abuse between Magnus and Camille, attempts to have sex with someone too drunk to consent, general Camille-is-a-shithead, brief mentions of mild eating disorder)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I know this one was kind of angsty, again, but I promise the next chapter is happier! Magnus and Alec get back on track in the next chapter :) 
> 
> As always, let me know what you thought in the comments, and if you want to chat, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://notcrypticbutcoy.tumblr.com) or on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lucysrebelheart?lang=en)
> 
> (Also, in case there was any doubt - the song is reflective of Magnus’ feelings towards Camille. Not Magnus&Alec.)
> 
> Much love,  
> Lu <3


	7. Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec confesses, everyone is pining, and Maryse is a good parent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows right on from the last one, if anyone can remember that far back after how long it’s been since I last updated... 
> 
> Song: Brave by Sara Bareilles
> 
> Enjoy!

**You can be amazing  
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug  
You can be the outcast  
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love  
Or you can start speaking up**

*******

Age 18

The soft, buttercup yellow interior of the psychiatric outpatient waiting room was at once intimately familiar and oddly alien to Alec. He knew exactly when to catch the door as he stepped through to stop it swinging shut too loudly, and he knew where to sit to avoid being in anyone’s way while they went in and out of doctor’s offices, and he knew that the teenage girl looking after her young sister while they waited for their grandmother always liked it when Alec made an effort to quietly entertain the little girl.

But it felt like such a long time since he’d last been there. Early on, Magnus had wanted him there every time he had an appointment. As the months had gone by, he’d become increasingly indifferent—happy to have Alec there, but equally happy to go alone.

And then the She-Devil had appeared, and Alec had stopped going altogether.

When Magnus stepped out of Amatis’ room, he blinked several times as his eyes fixed on Alec, sitting in a chair in the corner with a history textbook open on his lap. Alec smiled at Magnus; after a moment, Magnus smiled back.

“Hey,” Magnus said, stopping a couple of feet away from Alec.

“Hey,” Alec echoed, as he stood, stowing away his things to leave. “Ready?”

There was something stilted between them, something awkward, tense, that hadn’t existed before. Something that they’d have to work to get past. But it was only a few weeks since their conversation at the café, and Alec was counting every small step of progression as a victory.

When they spilled through the front door of the Lightwood home, grins tentative and laughter quiet, Alec felt Isabelle’s eyes on him. The corners of her eyes crinkled, but she didn’t say anything, and merely went back to playing video games with Simon.

“Magnus!”

Maryse had a little more trouble containing her surprise than Isabelle did. Perhaps Alec had forgotten to tell her that he and Magnus had made up. Not that he’d ever told her that they’d fallen out. She’d probably read between the lines.

“Mom,” Alec said, rolling his eyes.

“Sorry,” Maryse said, recovering herself quickly. “I just didn’t realise you were coming, Magnus.”

“Alec told you this morning!” Isabelle shouted from where she and Simon were locked in an intense car chase, eyes fixated on the screen and grim determination covering both their faces. “You just— Shit! Not fair, you asshole!”

Simon punched the air with one hand, whooping. “Yes! Lewis takes the gold, and Lightwood eats his dirt! The mighty TX500 wins again!”

“Asshole,” Isabelle said again, and shoved Simon unceremoniously off the couch and onto the floor. She dissolved into laughter at the abrupt look of confusion on his face.

Maryse shook her head, lips twitching as she observed their antics, before she turned to Magnus and Alec. “I have to head out to a meeting with a client, but if you want anything, help yourselves. There’s lasagne left from yesterday.”

“I made it,” Alec added, “so don’t get excited.”

“Nonsense,” Maryse told him. “Your cooking is just fine. Absolutely no thanks to anybody in this household.”

Alec glanced over at Magnus, a soft smile curling at the corners of his mouth. “I think the thanks for that goes to the Bane household.”

A breath seemed to catch in Magnus’ throat, and, for just a split second, Alec thought he’d misjudged. He thought that he’d brought up something that he shouldn’t have. He thought that he’d lost his ability to read the situation, to know, innately, how much was too much where Magnus was concerned.

But then Magnus exhaled, something warm diffusing across his face, and Alec relaxed. He hadn’t got it wrong. He’d got it very, very right.

“She’d have liked to hear that,” Magnus said, quietly.

Before Alec could reach over to squeeze Magnus’ arm in silent support, Maryse’s hand landed on Magnus’ shoulder.

“I’m glad to see you around here, Magnus,” she said, and patted his cheek. “I’ll see you all later. You don’t have to pretend to be asleep.”

“Funnily enough, I wasn’t going to,” Alec said, shooting her an innocent smile. “Being an adult, and all.”

Maryse snorted. “Psh. Cheeky. What kind of man have I raised?” She held up a hand. “No. Don’t answer that.”

Eventually, Maryse managed to escape from the four teenagers occupying her house, and Alec and Magnus migrated into the kitchen to find something to take upstairs to eat.

Once Alec had the frying pan heating up and bread soaking in egg and milk, Magnus started rummaging through the fridge for something to top it with. The sight of Magnus’ carefully styled hair poked inside their cupboards made something restless and writhing in Alec’s chest settle, and he realised just how much he’d missed this. How much he’d missed _Magnus_.

“Sweet or savoury?” Magnus asked, balancing a box of strawberries on one arm.

“Sweet!” Isabelle shouted from where she and Simon had switched games to something that looked, to Alec, absolutely identical. But what did he know? “Savoury French toast is wrong!”

“I agree,” Magnus said, “despite popular opinion, savoury French toast is bizarre. Fruit and syrup it is.”

Alec didn’t realise he was staring at Magnus with a soft smile on his face until Magnus turned to look at him. Magnus blinked, looking a little self-conscious - which seemed a foreign expression for Magnus to wear - and arched an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Alec told him, turning back to the stove to transfer the bread into the frying pan. “I just missed this.”

Sorrow flashed through Magnus’ eyes. “Alexander...”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just glad you’re here.”

“I’m feeling very loved in this house, today,” Magnus joked, but Alec could hear the slight quiver in his voice. “I’m not sure I deserve it.”

Alec flicked his spatula at him emphatically. “Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.”

He needed Magnus to know how much he was loved, but he also didn’t want to make him cry. 

Magnus laughed a little. “Alright. Bullshit. You want a coffee?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Magnus said, and the burning imprint of his hand clasping Alec’s neck as he passed behind him seemed to linger for hours.

*******

**Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do  
And they settle ‘neath your skin  
Kept on the inside and no sunlight  
Sometimes a shadow wins  
But I wonder what would happen if you**

*******

Later that night, Magnus and Alec found themselves sprawled out on Alec’s bed in the darkness. Both of them were dressed in Alec’s clothes, stuffed with French toast and coffee and ice cream, and they’d fallen into that strange brand of conversation that only ever appeared at nighttime.

“What do you think about avocado?”

Alec grinned up at the ceiling. He was aware of every minute movement Magnus made beside him, even though they weren’t touching, and the intoxicating scent of Magnus’ shampoo and cologne was swirling around him, but he didn’t think he’d felt happier for months.

“Avocado?”

“Mm. Avocado. I know you eat it, but what do you _think_? Is it an acceptable sandwich filling?”

“Only if it’s paired with something else,” Alec decided. “On its own it’s just...dull.”

Magnus hummed noncommittally. Alec wondered what it was that he really wanted to say: he was fairly sure that avocado wasn’t it. But, whatever it was, Magnus remained close-lipped about it. If he didn’t want to talk, that was his prerogative.

But words kept floating around in Alec’s head, distracting him from anything else. Maybe it was exacerbated by the fact that Magnus lay beside him, dressed in his clothes, laying on his bed, for the first time since Alec was sure their friendship had been broken beyond repair. Or maybe it was just that he’d been suppressing it all for so, so long.

He was all too aware of the sensation of Magnus’ eyes trained on the side of his face in the silence that had fallen between them. He felt the gaze like a caress, and it made goosebumps rise across his skin as he swallowed and tried not to look over, for fear of doing something entirely stupid, like kiss Magnus until neither of them could breathe.

But—

God, Alec couldn’t get the words out of his head. Round and round and round they floated, taunting him and teasing him and hauling him out of the bubble containing just him and Magnus laying together in the darkness, the room lit only by a dim lamp sitting on Alec’s nightstand that cast shadows across the handsome planes of Magnus’ face.

“Hey.” Magnus’ voice was barely a whisper in the darkness, and the touch that brushed across Alec’s hand was infinitesimally softer. “What’s the matter?”

Alec closed his eyes for a moment, and then, to the ceiling, said, “I need to tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything. You know that.”

“I’m gay.”

The world seemed to freeze as Alec uttered the words aloud, heart pounding against his ribcage despite the fact that he knew, for certain, that Magnus wasn’t going to reject him for this. He was safe to admit who he was. Nothing bad would happen as a result of this confession.

So why did he feel paralysed with terror?

“Oh,” Magnus said, and cleared his throat. He reached out to squeeze Alec’s hand once. “Thank you for telling me.”

Alec exhaled, eyes fluttering closed again. He rolled onto his side, tucked his hand beneath his pillow, and faced Magnus, who was already watching him with devastating intensity, kindness glimmering in his eyes.

“Is that it?” Alec asked.

Magnus looked at him, steady and unwavering. “Do you want that to be it?”

“I want you to be honest.”

“How long have you known?”

“Years,” Alec said, eyes flickering between Magnus’.

Confusion filled his friend’s face, but it disappeared to be replaced with something compassionate. “Have you ever told anyone?”

“No. I know you and Izzy and probably Jace wouldn’t care, but...” Alec shrugged. “I just didn’t want to say it. I’ve never told anybody. I haven’t told my parents for...obvious reasons. And my siblings, and you, I suppose I just didn’t want you to have to keep a secret.”

“I would never have told anyone,” Magnus said, with such sincerity it made Alec’s chest tighten until he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

_It’s not because of that. It’s because I’m in love with you._

“I know that,” Alec said. “Of course I know that.”

Magnus reached out to squeeze his hand. “I’m sorry. That sounds like I’m implying that I wanted you to come out before you were ready. That’s not what I mean at all, I promise. I would never want you to feel pressured. Certainly not by me.”

“I know what you meant,” Alec assured him. “I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t ready to accept for myself that I’m going to be a disappointment to my parents no matter what I do. Maybe I needed to accept that before I saw what anyone else thought.”

“Hey. I understand why coming out is hard, but you are never going to be a disappointment. Anyone who would think that about you isn’t worth your time.”

Alec snorted indelicately. “Right.”

“I mean it.”

“My parents are never going to be okay with this. They’re going to hate it and they’re going to hate me and they’re going to hate how I want to live my life and who I want to live it with, and it’s going to colour their view of everything else I do, and— Fuck.”

He hadn’t realised how worked up this would make him, but as the words stumbled over each other, blunt and rough and jagged, unrefined and raw, he felt a swell of emotion that made him choke.

“Oh, Alec,” Magnus whispered. “Come here.”

A broken sound caught in the back of Alec’s throat as Magnus reached out to pull him close. Arms wrapped tightly around his back and palms splayed out either side of his spine, warm and firm and reassuring. Alec pressed his face into Magnus’ shoulder, shuddering.

“It’s okay,” Magnus said into his ear, drawing him closer. “It’s okay.”

Relief crashed down on Alec like a tidal wave. The secret was out. He’d told someone. He didn’t have to shoulder the weight of it alone anymore. He had Magnus to help him. He gasped, tears leaking out from beneath his closed eyelids and soaking into Magnus’ shirt.

“It’s not, though, is it?” Alec croaked out against Magnus’ shoulder, once he’d taken several deep, shuddering breaths. “You’ve met my parents.”

“I have. And I’ve experienced Maryse’s judgement first hand. It didn’t last forever.”

That was true. Maryse and Robert had both turned their noses up at Magnus when he’d started expressing himself as he really wanted to, after he’d come out. It was a small comfort. But—

“It’s gonna be different,” Alec mumbled. “Because it’s me. I’m their son. You’re not.”

“I know. I never told my mother that I’m bisexual. And I– I regret it. I didn’t know I wouldn’t have time to tell her, but I regret not taking the chance. I’m not saying you should come out before you’re ready, I’m just saying that I think you have to be honest about who you are eventually to be truly happy. And it’s better to know who you can trust to help you live the happiest life you can than to pretend to be someone you’re not just to keep other people happy.”

Alec swallowed heavily, blinking tears out of his eyes. “Stop being smart. It’s annoying.”

“I haven’t been very smart recently.”

Alec smiled faintly, and turned his head against Magnus’ shoulder to look up at his friend. “Why are we better at solving each other’s problems than our own?”

“Because we’re friends. That’s why we need each other.”

“Promise?”

Magnus’ expression turned serious, and he nodded. “Promise.”

And, cuddled against each other like they used to when they were kids, they whispered into the soulless hours of the morning, the steady thud of a shared heartbeat lulling them to sleep beneath a blanket of affection.

*******

**Say what you wanna say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave**

*******

_Alec was kissing someone on a sofa._

_It was the same sofa that Sinta used to have, with that stupid little ketchup stain on it that Alec had convinced Magnus to blame on Marcus. Alec was sure he hadn’t been on this sofa since he was fifteen. Since Sinta died._

_The person beside him was warm, fingers dragging along Alec’s shoulders and up his neck to his hair. A broken sound fell from between Alec’s lips, and he kissed back harder._

_They pulled apart with a ragged gasp for breath, and Magnus’ face appeared in his line of sight, a flush high on his cheekbones and his lips swollen. Alec stared at Magnus. Why the hell was he kissing Magnus?_

_“I don’t understand,” Alec said, reaching a hand up to touch his own mouth._

_Magnus smirked. “Don’t understand what?”_

_“Why are we kissing?”_

_Magnus rolled his eyes. “I know, Alexander. I know all about your dirty little crush. I know how you feel about me. And I’ll give you what you want. You can have me.” Abruptly, he was leaning into Alec’s space, breath washing hot across Alec’s lips; Alec didn’t know whether to recoil or kiss him. “But you can’t keep me.”_

_“W-what?”_

_“Come on.” Magnus shook his head as he pulled back. “You can’t possibly think I’d want you.”_

*******

**With what you want to say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave**

*******

Alec woke with a jolt, heart racing in his chest and blood roaring in his ears. Disorientated, he blinked, eyes scanning across the easing darkness of his room, and trying to pin his mind back into reality. Dreaming of Magnus rejecting him was not a new thing. Neither was kissing him in his dreams.

Of course, it would never be reality.

By the window, daylight was beginning to dissolve the impenetrable cover of nighttime. A quick glance at his clock told Alec that it was an acceptable time to get up—there was no way he’d go back to sleep after that dream. He was just going to get up, and have some breakfast, and—

“Mm.”

Something warm wrapped around his waist, a solid weight pressing into his side that he hadn’t immediately noticed. He froze, glancing down, and remembered that Magnus had stayed over. After so goddamn long, after everything with Camille, Magnus had spent the evening at home with him. They’d fallen asleep together. Alec had—

Jesus. Alec had come out to Magnus. Finally.

He’d come out to Magnus, and now they were cuddling in bed.

Alec remained frozen. If he moved, he was fairly sure he was going to have a problem that would undoubtedly creep Magnus out if he woke up to it. Fuck. This situation was why he hadn’t shared a bed with Magnus since they were fourteen. Or was it thirteen?

If this had happened when they were thirteen, neither of them would have batted an eyelid at waking up so entangled. But that was before. Before they grew up. Before Alec developed feelings that he couldn’t battle back. Before everything became so much more difficult.

A part of Alec longed for the days when all they had to worry about was whether they were going to be able to make a blanket fort that was satisfactorily large and cozy and not liable to collapse.

His thoughts were stirring the glowing embers of self-hatred, so he looked down at Magnus, sprawled half across his torso, dressed in Alec’s ratty sweatpants and a t-shirt. His chest rose and fell steadily, soft breaths leaving him in tiny, near-silent sighs. Sleep smoothed out the ever-present stress and worry that etched themselves across the planes of Magnus’ face. Strands of hair were scattered across his forehand in utter disarray.

The sight made affection well in Alec. He suppressed the overwhelming desire to card his fingers tenderly through Magnus’ hair, to trace meaningless patterns into his skin, to close his eyes and enjoy laying with Magnus like this, peaceful and easy and protected.

Alec was in love with him.

The thought came as easily as breathing. It wasn’t a revelation. It wasn’t even surprising. It just was. Alec was in love with Magnus, and perhaps that had been inevitable. He’d loved Magnus since they were kids. Magnus had meant the world to him for so many years. He’d been devoted to Magnus, to ensuring Magnus’ happiness, for the last ten years. And Magnus was... _Magnus_. Every part of him was enthralling and beautiful and felt like coming home.

Another shift broke Alec from his thoughts. He lifted his arms, trying to make sure Magnus didn’t get any closer in his unconscious state, and—

“ _Mmm_.”

The arm that had been tossed across Alec rose to press over Magnus’ eyes instead. Magnus made another distinctly unhappy noise in the back of his throat, and Alec smiled in spite of himself. Neither of them were precisely morning people. And Magnus in this rumpled, grumpy, sleep-ridden state was beyond adorable.

After a moment, Magnus moved his arm and blinked, sleep-mussed and hazy in the light of the morning. He cast his gaze around, before focusing on Alec. He took in their proximity, blinked again, and then looked at Alec with wide eyes.

“Oops,” he said sheepishly, a smile that lacked any sort of remorse blooming across his face. “Sorry to grope you in my sleep.”

Alec’s lips quirked. “Oh, yeah, I’m traumatised. It was horrifying. I might die.”

Magnus pretended to frown. “That seems like a waste. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort cultivating this friendship. I’m not happy about having it ruined by something so inconvenient as you dying.”

“So you only care about my death because it’s _inconvenient_?” Alec raised his eyebrows in mock offence. “Wow. That hurt.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Magnus said with a laugh, shoving at Alec’s shoulder. “Come on, get your ass out of bed. I’m starving.”

“Wanna go out somewhere for breakfast?”

“It’s like you read my mind, Alexander.”

And, heart alight with the joy of finally getting to spend time with Magnus again, after everything, Alec could forget all the waited in the wings, shrouded in darkness and poised to ruin what was so absolutely good.

*******

**I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I wanna see you be brave**

*******

“I have a question,” Magnus said, bumping his shoulder against Alec’s as they walked to class, navigating the corridors together with practised ease.

Alec had his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his hoodie, rucksack slung carelessly over one shoulder, hair tousled and in utter disarray. In contrast, Magnus had opted for an outfit that had had a little more thought put into in—but, nevertheless, when he looked across at his friend, he felt his heart leap.

“Mm?” Alec asked, raising his eyebrows.

“I heard that you’re not coming to prom.”

Alec smiled tightly. “Magnus, I know English is my thing and not yours, but that’s a statement, not a question.”

Magnus swatted him on the shoulder and rolled his eyes. “ _Why_ aren’t you coming to prom? It’s going to be spectacular! The theme is amazing, because I came up with it, and the decor is highly bisexual in colour, and the music is going to be a million times better than last year, and it’s our _senior prom_.”

“Yeah, and I’m not exactly into all that prom stuff, am I? Dancing and dressing up and...all that.”

“But it’s not just about that. It’s about having fun with your friends at the last big event before we go off to do new things.”

Alec shrugged. “I’ll think about it. Who are you going with?”

“Nobody,” Magnus said, and Alec’s eyes went wide with disbelief.

“What? Bullshit. Everyone must want to go with you.”

Magnus let out a startled laugh, and shook his head. “No. I was going to go with... _her_ , but obviously that’s not happening anymore. So I’m going on my own, with our friends.”

Something odd flashed across Alec’s face. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he watched Magnus intently while a silent debate played out in his eyes.

“Well, as I would obviously go on my own too,” Alec said, slowly, “if I come, maybe we could go together. You know. As friends.”

The end of Alec’s request felt like someone driving a pickaxe incessantly through Magnus’ heart, ripping his heartstrings and leaving it aching and bleeding with a hopeless love that he knew would never be reciprocated. It felt like elation and heartbreak all at once, because Alec wanted to go to prom with him, but Alec wanted to go to prom with him _platonically_.

But Alec was watching him, waiting for his reaction with nerves clear in the flicker of his eyes and the fiddling of his hands. They’d stopped in the corridor, having reached Alec’s classroom, but Magnus hadn’t realised. His world had narrowed, as it so often did, to the boy - the boy who was quickly becoming a man - standing before him so honestly, breaking Magnus’ heart without having a clue.

“Of course I’ll go to prom with you,” Magnus said, summoning a smile to his face as he reached out to squeeze Alec’s forearm.

Something fell flat. Magnus didn’t quite know what had gone wrong, but he withdrew his hand quickly, and cleared his throat, and they both shifted awkwardly in place. He hoped Alec thought it was because it had been so long since they’d been like this with each other. He hoped that was all it was. The overhang of Camille. He hoped his feelings, repressed and hidden as they were, weren’t spelling the end for their friendship.

Magnus wasn’t sure he would survive if that happened.

“I’ll see you at lunch?” Magnus asked, taking a half step back.

“I– I can’t.” Remorse flashed in Alec’s eyes. “I’ve got archery practise.”

Magnus hadn’t known that Alec had picked up archery again, after stopping a year ago, and it made guilt rush through him. Did they know each other at all anymore?

“Right. Um. I’ll see you around then, I guess. I–” The bell rang, loud and piercing, and Alec winced. “I’ve got to go, I’ve already been late too much this term. Bye.”

And Magnus dashed off, tears stinging in his eyes and regret singeing his heart. He prayed to every deity he didn’t believe in that he hadn’t broken the best thing he’d ever had in his life—that his stupid feelings and his stupid relationship weren’t going to destroy the one thing that had seemed unbreakable.

*******

**I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I wanna see you be brave**

*******

“Hey– Woah. Are you alright?”

Alec pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead and exhaled. Beside him, Simon watched on with concern in his eyes. He’d even stopped his unending fiddling with his clicky pen.

“Not really,” Alec said, a little gruffly, as he slumped down in his seat and dumped his notebook on the desk with a slap. Around them, the rest of the class were engrossed in their own conversations, and paid Alec and Simon no attention.

“Magnus?” Simon guessed.

“Magnus,” Alec confirmed. “I just– Fuck, I don’t even know. I want to say that everything’s been fucked up since Camille, and it’s true, it’s been worse, but things were starting to go wrong before then. She happened in part because everything was already starting to go wrong.”

Simon didn’t look convinced. “You and Magnus had never been closer than you were right before Camille appeared. He was in such a bad place, and you were there for him, and then he got so much better, and things seemed so good.”

“They were,” Alec said, miserably. “But I– God, it’s all my fault.”

“I doubt that.”

“No, it is. I–”

Fucking hell, Alec wanted to tell Simon, desperately. A part of him had always thought that Isabelle would be the first person who found out, but he’d told Magnus half of it, and Simon... He’d known Simon for as long as he could remember. They’d been unlikely friends since kindergarten. Simon had the sweetest soul of anyone Alec knew; if anyone would accept him for all of the ugliness, Simon would.

Alec exhaled slowly, and fixed his eyes on the graffiti scrawled across the desk they shared.

“I, um. I’m gay.” He chanced a glance up. Simon didn’t seem fazed by that revelation, and nodded encouragingly, apparently sensing that Alec wasn’t done. “And I– I’m in love with Magnus. And I think I have been for a long time.”

Simon blinked. “Wow. I didn’t– Wow. Everything makes so much sense now.”

Alec squinted at him. “It does?” he asked, woefully unconvinced.

“Oh, yeah. Definitely. Does Magnus know?”

“He knows I’m gay. He was the only person who knew. Now you know. So don’t go around telling anyone.”

“I would never,” Simon vowed, as though Alec would ever really have doubted Simon’s loyalty and integrity. “So Magnus doesn’t know how you feel about him?”

“I’ve never told him, so I guess not. But things keep being weird, you know? We used to sleep over and sleep in each other’s beds all the time when we were kids, and now it’s weird. We used to be able to talk to each other about anything, now it feels like walking on eggshells. We used to be able to just exist together and be comfortable, and now it’s always so awkward. And it’s my fucking fault, but I don’t know how to stop.”

“Hey.” Simon laid a comforting hand on his arm. “It takes two to tango, buddy. Trust me, it’s definitely Magnus’ fault too. At least a bit.”

Alec laughed. It sounded hollow. “How can you possibly know that?”

Simon shrugged. “Because between you and me, I think Magnus is going through a lot of shit, and he doesn’t really know what to do with himself.”

“Our friendship was supposed to be the thing that was easy. We weren’t supposed to need to think about being friends.”

“Ah.” Simon smiled. “Well, we all grow up, don’t we?”

*******

**Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down  
By the enemy  
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing  
Bow down to the mighty  
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue**

*******

“I miss Alec.”

Ragnor paused with his fork halfway to his mouth as they sat together at lunch, and pinned Magnus with a look of disbelief.

“You two have made up. You spent the entire weekend with him. The She-Devil has sodded back off to hell. What in the world do you have to miss? Or are you being a sappy idiot because you haven’t seen him for three hours?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “No. And I know, but things haven’t been the same. Also, I’m pretty sure all his friends still hate me for what I did.”

“I don’t,” said a warm, cheery voice from behind him. A hand patted his shoulder, and Simon swung into view to occupy the seat between Magnus and Ragnor at the tiny little table. “I’m glad you two made up. And so’s Izzy.”

“I’m so glad I’ve got two people on my side,” Magnus said dryly.

“We’re not on your side. There aren’t sides. You and Alec are on the same side. Right, Ragnor?”

“Right.” Ragnor pointed at Simon with eyebrow-induced emphasis, and fixed Magnus with a stern look. “See? Same side. Not hated. All good. You’re just impatient.”

“Oh, no.” Simon frowned. “Not you too.”

That made Magnus pause, snapping out of his party of self-pity and moping and reminiscing about better, easier times like a fucking masochist. Him too? What did that mean? Was Simon implying something about Alec?

“What?” Magnus asked—or, rather, demanded. “What do you mean?”

“Alec was being all mopey this morning about how he’d ruined your friendship for all eternity and it was all his fault, or something.” Simon waved a hand. “I mean, I obviously gave him fantastic advice that I bullshitted on the spot, but he was high on the miserable teenager scale.”

“That’s not a thing,” Ragnor apparently felt compelled to point out, while Magnus gaped at Simon.

“Isn’t it? It’s what my mom says when my sisters and I are being broody.”

“Simon.” Magnus set his hand down flat on the table. “Why on earth is Alec blaming himself for this? That’s ridiculous. It’s not even slightly his fault. It’s my fault.”

Simon blinked at him, and then turned to look at Ragnor. “I’ve got deja vu. Alec was telling me all this a couple of hours ago.”

“But that’s mad!” Magnus gestured vaguely with his hand in the hope that it would help to articulate his point. “This isn’t Alec’s fault! It’s about Camille, and what _I_ did!”

“Like I said to Alec, it takes two to tango.”

A snort sounded from where Ragnor was watching the proceedings with an amused smirk curling at his lips. Magnus glared at him. Simon grinned sheepishly, but looked fairly unashamed about his words.

“But—”

“I’m not going to be your messenger,” Simon said firmly. “If you want to talk about how this is all your fault and not at all Alec’s fault, you’re going to have to talk to him yourself. Alternatively, you could both stop being martyrs and blame everyone equally. Or nobody! Sometimes things are just shit, blame not needed.”

“I like you, Lewis,” Ragnor said, and Simon beamed. “You know what you should be thinking about instead?”

“I have a feeling you’re about to tell me,” Magnus muttered.

“Prom. Exams. Supporting Alec while his parents go through their divorce. Avoiding the She-Devil at absolutely all costs. Dance.”

Magnus huffed at him. “Unhelpful.”

Ragnor blinked. “Excuse you, I think that was very helpful.”

“No. It wasn’t. How am I supposed to go to prom with Alec and support Alec when things are so weird?”

He stabbed at his lunch violently with his fork, and swore under his breath for no particular reason. He was so fucking done. Everything was so goddamn difficult. He wanted to go back to the days when everything was easy.

“You and Alec both want to make this work,” Simon said, “and you’re good for each other. You always have been. So it will work. Just take it one thing at a time. And don’t worry so much. You two do way too much worrying.”

“And,” Ragnor added, “maybe if this is bothering you so much, you should talk about it the next time you see your psychiatrist.”

“How do you know I don’t?”

Ragnor fixed him with a look. Magnus relented.

“Fine,” he said, with a sigh. “It’s possible that you have both made extremely valid points. But please talk about something else before I cry. Because I will, and only Alec gets to see that level of disaster.”

Simon and Ragnor exchanged a long, heavy look laden with meaning. But, without further comment, Simon began blathering about a video game he’d been playing with Isabelle, and Magnus allowed the conversation to wash over him.

*******

**Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live  
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in  
Show me how big your brave is**

*******

Saturday night was Alec’s second-favourite part of the week, second to ice cream and coffee with Magnus.

They were sprawled out in Luke’s living room, all of them, that particular Saturday evening. Alec was the only one sitting on the floor, everyone else choosing to take advantage of Luke’s exceptionally comfortable furnishings. Isabelle and Simon were locked in a battle on the PlayStation, cursing each other out without taking their eyes off the screen. Neither of them had invited their respective significant others to their weekly Saturday night piss-about, Alec had noted.

Jace and Clary were curled together on the sofa, Raphael bickering with Ragnor beside them. Magnus was texting someone about prom arrangements with one hand from where he’d settled in an armchair. His knee brushed against Alec’s back every time he shifted, and he kept using Alec’s shoulder as an armrest—not that Alec minded.

As was so often the case, Jace was making comments about the legs of women he followed on Instagram, to the utter revulsion of Isabelle and Clary.

“I’m just saying!” Jace protested, because clearly he hadn’t been listening to Isabelle talking about feminism relentlessly and passionately for the last seven years. “She has amazing legs! It’s a compliment!”

“Of course you’re _just saying_ ,” Isabelle said icily, rolling her eyes hard enough to rival even Alec. “And I’m _just saying_ that you’re being an objectifying pig. I’ve never heard you say anything about her other than that she’s got hot legs.”

”That’s not true! She’s in my chemistry class, she’s smart.”

”Then why don’t you compliment that, rather than her legs?” Isabelle demanded. “Even her hair would be better than her _legs_.”

Jace looked over at Alec. “Back me up here,” he begged.

Alec pulled a face. “Why are you looking at me?”

“Because you’re the most likely to agree with me.”

That made Alec snort. “What, because I’m so interested in women’s legs?”

“Yes! No! I don’t know, you never talk about this shit, but you must think about it. Look.” Jace turned his phone around to show Alec the photo. “She’s got hot legs, right?”

Alec shrugged. “They’re lovely. Very...athletic? They’re also just legs. The post is about a Viennese bookshop.”

Jace let out a strangled noise. “For fuck’s sake, Alec, stop being a prude and _look_! I’m not saying nothing else about her matters, I’m just saying she’s got nice legs. It’s a compliment.”

Alec squinted with one eye. “You’re asking someone with absolutely no interest in women about this.”

Jace opened his mouth, presumably to protest his innocence again (although a rather large part of Alec thought that he’d probably realised his mistake the moment he opened his mouth, and was merely too proud to admit it) and then paused. His eyebrows furrowed and he shot Alec a strange sort of look.

“What?”

A hand came to rest on Alec’s shoulder. On the other side of the coffee table, Isabelle was staring at him, and Simon’s eyes had gone wide. Ragnor and Raphael seemed entirely disinterested, but Clary, too, was watching him in surprise.

Then he realised what he’d said, and he felt his expression mirror Simon’s as horror flooded through him. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to say that. He hadn’t meant to out himself to all his friends, and shit, fuck, fuck, fuck—

The hand on his shoulder tightened, fingertips digging gently into the muscle, snapping him from his spiralling thoughts. He took a deep breath, and turned his head to look round at Magnus, who smiled reassuringly.

“It’s okay,” Magnus said, eyes filled with nothing but support, and Alec drew strength from his friend’s unwavering loyalty—and his eternal belief in Alec.

“Um.” Alec looked back to Jace. “Yeah.”

“You’re gay?” Jace asked, clearly seeking confirmation.

Alec nodded. “I’m gay.”

Jace’s eyes flickered to Magnus. “And you knew?”

“I’ve known for about a month.”

“So did Simon,” Alec said. “But nobody else.”

“Oh.” Jace seemed a little confused. “Right. Okay.”

“Jace!” Isabelle hissed.

“No, no!” Jace shook his head frantically and scrambled off the couch, tossing his phone aside without a care for it. “Shit, no, I’m sorry. Alec, I don’t care that you’re gay. At all. You’re my brother. It doesn’t matter to me whether you like men or women or both or neither.”

Relief washed through Alec, warm and soothing, and he smiled weakly. It wasn’t like he’d ever thought his siblings would hate him for it, because they still loved Magnus after he’d come out (it would be his parents who’d hate him, but  _no_ , he wasn’t going to think about that) but he’d been worried anyway. Worried about making things weird, somehow. Uncomfortable.

“C’mere,” Jace said, and leant down, a little awkwardly, to pull Alec into a hug.

The hand Magnus had on his shoulder slipped away, and he instead found himself being gripped tightly by Jace. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d hugged like this, and he clung on. It was okay. It was all okay. He hadn’t quite meant to say that, although he’d been thinking about telling them, but he didn’t have to hide anymore.

“I love you, Alec,” Jace said, a little gruffly. “Gay, grumpy and dickish as you are.”

Alec choked out a laugh, and shoved Jace away from him. “I love you too, you complete asshole.”

“I second what Jace said,” Isabelle said. “But imagine I said it in a nicer way.”

Alec smiled over at his sister. “Thanks, Iz.”

She flashed him a teasing grin. “So can I set you up with boys now?”

“No,” Alec told her firmly, because, much as he hated it, there was only one boy he ever wanted to be set up with, and that was impossible.

One day, he’d have to start trying to get over his hopelessly unrequited feelings for Magnus. But that day wasn’t today.

*******

**Say what you wanna say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave  
**

*******

“Alexander?”

Alec paused halfway down the steps of Luke’s porch, and turned to look at Magnus over his shoulder.

It was dark outside, the late hour creating a sort of hush over the world that could only ever be experienced at nighttime. At the top of the steps, Magnus stood in the doorway, hand resting with effortless elegance against the frame. He was silhouetted by the light spilling out of the hallway behind him. To Alec, he looked like an angel.

He tried to ignore the little flutter in his chest that he always got when Magnus called him that, because Magnus was the only person in the world he wouldn’t deck for saying it. In fact, rather the opposite.

“Yeah?”

“I– I just—”

Magnus inhaled, seeming to struggle with his words. The verbal stumbling made Alec frown.

“What is it?” Alec asked, turning around properly.

The look Magnus shot him made Alec feel like someone was trying to gouge out his heart. Magnus’ eyes were saturated with emotion, heavy and weary and desperate in their sadness and regret, and something burning hot and fiercely protective flared in Alec’s chest.

“Magnus,” he said, walking back up the steps to join Magnus on the porch. He stopped a metre or so in front of him, and wondered how such a small distance could feel like a chasm. “What is it?”

Magnus didn’t speak. He merely looked at Alec, breathing deeply, and shook his head once. It left Alec feeling even more confused. God, he just wanted to know what was wrong so he could _fix_ it. Or at least try to.

“Hey.” Alec moved closer, and reached out to touch the back of Magnus’ hand. “You can tell me. You don’t have to, but you can.”

Magnus smiled faintly. “I know. It’s just— I know things have been...strange, lately. Strained. A bit awkward, sometimes.”

“Um.” Alec cleared his throat. He couldn’t exactly deny it, even if Magnus’ statement filled him with guilt and terror in equal measures. “Yeah. I guess.”

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. And that I’m trying.”

Alec blinked at him. “What? What are you talking about?”

“Camille,” Magnus said, “and me, and I—”

“God, Magnus, this isn’t your fault,” Alec said, astounded. “This is so not your fault.”

Magnus shook his head. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but—”

“No, no, stop, stop, stop.” Alec found himself right in front of Magnus, chests almost brushing. He shook his head, and took Magnus’ hand in his. “Magnus, stop. You’ve done so much apologising, and it’s not your fault. You don’t need to apologise anymore. Just...just stop. Please.”

Magnus was looking up the handful of inches that separated them with wide eyes. “Alec, I—”

“You’re my best friend.” He squeezed Magnus’ hand. “You have been for so long, and I can’t imagine a day when you’re not. I don’t want that day to happen. Ever.”

“Me neither,” Magnus said, sounding surer, less self-deprecating. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

_You don’t mean that the way I want you to._

“Yeah,” Alec said, rather than voice his thoughts. They didn’t say it often, even off-handedly, but he knew. “Yeah, of course I do. I love you too, Magnus.”

Magnus smiled at him, and, god, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. _Magnus_ was the most beautiful thing in the world.

“I’m proud of you,” Magnus said. “For how you handled that.”

It didn’t need to be verbalised for Alec to know what Magnus was talking about.

“I couldn’t have done it without you. You grounded me. I was having a freak out before you...” He trailed off, because he didn’t quite know how to finish that sentence.

“You’ve always been there for me. Even when we weren’t speaking. I want to be here for you, too.”

Alec became abruptly aware that they were still holding hands, still standing extremely close together. If he tilted his head down, he’d be close enough to kiss the tempting pink of Magnus’ lips.

“You are,” he said instead, because he knew he couldn’t. Not ever. Their friendship meant far too much to him to ruin it by doing something so stupid, so self-indulgent. “Even if you don’t realise it, you are.”

“Sometimes I’m scared of the future,” Magnus murmured, darting his eyes down to their joined hands before looking back up at Alec. The stars glittered in the deep brown depths of his eyes. “We’ve always been together. When we were kids, it was easy, but in the last couple of years...it’s been harder.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s broken,” Alec said softly, because he couldn’t bear to say _that doesn’t mean_ we’re _broken_.

“I know. I’m just terrified that one day we’ll be too far away, or too different, or too busy, and I’ll lose you.”

“Magnus.” Alec shook his head. “You’re not gonna lose me. I’m as terrified of that as you are, which is why—”

“Which is why it’s never going to happen?” Magnus guessed, with a small smile.

“Exactly.”

They didn’t say anything for a long, heavy moment that seemed to stretch out into eons. The wind blew softly, ruffling Alec’s hair and making goosebumps erupt along Magnus’ bare forearms. Magnus blinked, something unreadable in his eyes, and Alec loved him.

“Do you want to stay?” Magnus asked, shoulders swaying as he spoke.

Alec raised his eyebrows. “Can I?”

“Yeah, Luke likes you. He won’t mind me having you over. He won’t be home until later, though. Hot date with Clary’s mom.”

Alec laughed. “Yeah, alright. That’d be nice. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Magnus said, a warm smile on his face. He leant up to kiss Alec’s cheek, and, acting as though he hadn’t just made the ground beneath Alec’s feet tremble, he tightened his grip on Alec’s hand and tugged him into the house.

*******

**With what you want to say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave**

*******

“Do you want a drink?”

Alec shook his head. “I’m okay. I could do with passing out for ten hours, though.”

“There’s a guest room, if you want it,” Magnus blurted out, because god, even at eighteen years old, he loved climbing into a double bed with Alec and feeling like nothing could get to them. But he was all too aware of the fact that that wasn’t entirely normal, for a friendship between two adult men.

Although, he was pretty damn certain that their female friends frequently partook in that sort of behaviour without worrying about whether or not it was _normal_.

He also knew that his own _feelings_ were lingering around, ready to fuck things up again.

Something complicated passed over Alec’s face. He frowned, lips parting and then pressing together in a thin line as he watched Magnus with a careful sort of hesitation. Magnus chewed at his cheek, sliding his rings up and down his fingers.

“Would you rather...that?” Alec asked, words coming out slowly, cautiously, as though he was struggling to read the situation in just the same way Magnus was.

“No,” Magnus admitted, quietly. “It’s just—”

“Yeah.”

Alec’s gaze dropped to the floor between them, something dejected in the slump of his shoulders. An ache settled deep in Magnus’ heart at the sight of him. Tiredness seemed to have seeped into his every cell, settling in dark bags under his eyes and an exhaustion that manifested itself in the droop of his posture and the averted roaming of his eyes.

There was so much Alec had to deal with. He’d just come out to his siblings, his friends, and he was worried about what his parents would say. Maryse and Robert were finalising their divorce, Robert still shameless in his affair. His little brother understood what was happening, but didn’t understand how to cope.

And all of it rested on Alec. His burden to bear, atop all of the ordinary things an eighteen year old had to deal with. Exams. University. School. The transition to adulthood.

“It’s just that it’s weird.” Alec’s voice broke the quiet. He still didn’t look at Magnus. “We’re not kids anymore.”

Everything in Magnus wished he hadn’t said anything. Camille had been the one to point out how strangely close he and Alec were. She’d spun it so that it seemed like a bad thing. Magnus should have known better than to put any worth in anything she thought.

“Maybe.” Magnus took a step forwards and reached out to curl his fingers around Alec’s arm. “But _I’m_ weird.”

The furrow in Alec’s brow deepened as he glanced up at Magnus. “Yeah, but that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. I like your weird. Your weird is fucking awesome.”

“Thank you.” Magnus smiled up at him. “But, therefore, can’t _our_ weird be fucking awesome, too?”

“I...” Alec looked a little confused. “Then why did you bring it up?”

Magnus shrugged. “The She-Devil put things in my head.”

“You’re gonna have to tell me what they all were so I can take them back out and burn them,” Alec said, seriously, and Magnus huffed out a laugh so fond he almost feared that how much he adored Alec in all the wrong ways would be obvious.

“You’re the best,” Magnus told him, grinning as best he could when really, he wanted to smile dopily and kiss the breath out of him.

“Um.” Alec leant back and pulled a scandalised expression. He didn’t move to pull his arm out of Magnus’ grip. “No, false. You are obviously the best.”

“I–” Magnus blinked at him. “Oh for god’s sake, come here.”

Magnus tossed his arms around Alec, pulling him into the tight, desperate sort of hug that quickly melted into familiarity and contentment and peace. As Magnus tucked his face against Alec’s neck and felt Alec press his nose into Magnus’ shoulder, Magnus wondered how painfully long it had been since they last hugged like his.

Judging by the way both their hearts were hammering, too long.

A sigh escaped him, and he closed his eyes, letting himself relax in Alec’s embrace. He splayed his fingers out against Alec’s back and wondered, absently, whether Alec felt as at home and as safe as Magnus did.

“Has anyone ever told you,” Magnus murmured, “that you give really, really good hugs?”

He felt, rather than saw, Alec’s smile against his neck. “They have now.”

“Must be that big brother thing.”

“You must just have a natural gift, then.”

“Funny,” Magnus said dryly. “Because I’m so well known for my touchiness and my hugging.”

Alec made a noise of protest in the back of his throat. “Not that it would matter even slightly if you weren’t, but you’re plenty affectionate with people you care about.”

“I’ve known Jace as long as I’ve known you, almost, and I have never hugged him.”

Alec laughed. “Yeah, well, you and Jace have a funny relationship. You like each other but pretend not to. I don’t get it.”

“We have a mutual understanding.”

“Whatever works.”

Silence fell between them. Neither made an effort to move, and time seemed to lose all meaning as they stood there in the darkness of Luke’s house at the bottom of the stairs, arms wrapped around each other, faces tucked into shoulders, the only sound to be heard that of their breathing.

“I missed you,” Alec whispered, as though confessing his sins to a priest. “When...when we weren’t really talking. I missed you.”

Magnus squeezed him tighter, trying desperately to offer Alec the redemption he seemed to think he needed. “I missed you too, darling.”

Magnus held him tighter, and he swore he’d never let Alec go again.

*******

**Innocence, your history of silence  
Won’t do you any good  
Did you think it would?**

*******

“Alec! Jace!”

Alec cast his eyes over to Jace, mildly terrified at the anger in Isabelle’s voice. Jace shrugged from the other end of the sofa where he was eating the take-out pizza they’d ordered. Maryse would have gone mad if she were there to see all the potential grease that could be rubbed into her expensive upholstery. Thankfully, she was busy prosecuting someone for conspiracy to commit murder.

“I thought you offered her pizza,” Max said, munching at a slice cross-legged on the floor, eyes fixed on the TV.

“We did.” Alec ran the back of his hand across his mouth. “I should probably check what’s going on.”

Upstairs, Isabelle had her hands on her hips and her lips were turned down into a frown. She bared startling resemblance to Maryse. It only terrified Alec more.

“What’s going on?”

Isabelle relaxed her stance and rolled her eyes with a long-suffering sigh. “Big brother. You have an hour until we’re leaving.”

“And?”

“An _hour_ , Alec!”

“All I’ve got to do is put on a suit, right?”

“That’s like saying all there is to chemistry is blowing things up. Magnus would kill you for both.”

She smiled sweetly, and Alec closed his eyes in defeat.

*******

**Let your words be anything but empty  
Why don’t you tell them the truth?**

*******

Alec was nervous.

He didn’t do things like this. Prom epitomised everything he hated about socialising. He’d be expected to pretend to like people he’d hated for the last four years. He’d have to smile and cheer when a pair of dickheads got nominated as Prom King and Queen, when really he didn’t give a single shit. He’d have to _dance_.

It wasn’t that Alec couldn’t dance. It was that he didn’t even _know_ if he could dance.

Also, he’d asked Magnus to go to prom with him. Platonically. As friends. They’d have to dance together, and hang out, and people would know that they were there together, and he was sure someone was going to try to make some sort of comment about them.

As though that would ever end in anything but disaster.

And, as though the universe had read his thoughts and decided to play with him just a little bit more, Magnus chose that particular moment to appear out of Ragnor’s car. He offered his hand to Raphael with a grin, and Raphael slapped it away with sheer irritation written into every inch of his scowl. Ragnor’s date leant up to whisper something in Ragnor’s ear, and Ragnor patted her hand, smiling.

Magnus turned, eyes roaming across the hoards of people hanging around on the field outside the sports hall, and Alec took a moment, from where he was waiting slightly behind Isabelle and Jace and Simon, to just look.

Magnus Bane was the most beautiful man Alec had ever seen. Not that Alec had been in any doubt about that before prom night, but the sight of him decked out in a black suit with shots of something shimmery through it, a dark shirt and an intricate silvery mask covering the top half of his face—

Well. Alec was thankful for his own mask to at least partially hide the expression he couldn’t quite control.

“I think I see Meliorn,” Isabelle said brightly, waving across the grass. “I’ll see you inside!”

Simon sighed glumly next to Alec. “I hate everything.”

“I relate,” Alec told him, and they shared a mournful look at the tribulations of unrequited love.

Beside them, Jace had spotted Clary getting out of the driver’s seat, and had gone promptly slack-jawed. Her dress challenged her hair for the reddest thing Alec had ever seen, but even he had to admit that she looked very pretty. Not as pretty as Isabelle, obviously, but lovely nonetheless.

“Jace, you’re meant to wear that mask, not just drool on it,” Alec told him sharply. “Put it on before Magnus comes over and you two start bickering.”

For once in his life, Jace did as he was told, clapped Alec lightly on the shoulder, and went over to his girlfriend. They kissed without a thought for anything but each other. Alec wondered whether he’d ever be able to kiss a man so freely.

“Not going to find Maureen?” Ragnor asked Simon as he approached with Anna, in lieu of a greeting.

“I will. Later.” Simon glanced at Raphael. “Alright, man?”

Raphael glared at him. “I don’t want to be here.”

“Yeah, well.” Ragnor chuckled. “We’re all buggering off to college next year, you can do whatever the hell you like. Give us one more year of pretending you like us.”

“Ah, it’s all a façade,” a smooth, warm voice said, amusement audible even before Alec looked over to see that achingly familiar smile. “Hello, by the way.”

“Hey,” Simon said. “God, how do you always look so much better than literally everyone else on the planet?”

Magnus, Alec imagined, arched an eyebrow, but he couldn’t actually tell, because the thin metallic reams of his mask shrouded his face.

“I made a deal with the devil,” Magnus said, and Alec smiled.

“I’m bloody freezing, so we’re going in,” Ragnor said, emerging out of a low conversation with Anna. “And no, we’re not saving you a table.”

“I’m gonna go do that,” Simon said. “You know. Find a table. See you in there.”

Simon disappeared as though hell was hot on his heels, and Alec choked down a laugh when he saw Maureen talking to her friends a few metres away. God, he felt sorry for the poor girl. It wasn’t her fault that Simon was simultaneously hopeless at girls and in love with Alec’s sister.

Not that Alec was faring much better.

“Hello, Alexander,” Magnus said, softly. A smile stretched across his lips, and, even with his mask, Alec could see the way his eyes sparkled in the dying light of the evening.

“Hi,” Alec replied, trying not to let his breathlessness come across in his voice. “Um. Would you like to go inside?”

“In a minute.” He tilted his head to the side and appraised him with a quick up-and-down dart of his eyes. “You’ve cleaned up pretty damn well, Lightwood.”

“Thanks. You... Well.” He laughed a little. “I think Simon already said it. And you’re nominated for Prom King. Looking amazing is practically a prerequisite.”

“Charmer,” Magnus teased, and scuffed the toe of his shoe lightly against Alec’s. “Ready?”

Alec sighed. “No.”

“Come on.” Magnus offered Alec his arm with a barely contained smirk, and Alec hooked his own through it until their elbows locked loosely. “Let’s face the music.”

“That was a terrible pun.”

“And yet. You’re smiling.”

“I hate you,” Alec told him, though it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Alec stopped and stared as they entered the gym hall, eyes going wide. Through his peripheries, he saw Magnus’ lips twist up in a self-satisfied smirk, but he couldn’t find it in himself to bring down his friend’s cockiness. It was deserved.

“Magnus,” he whispered in poorly concealed awe. “This is incredible.”

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus said, nudging their shoulders together lightly.

The gym hall had been decked out in soft tones of blue and purple and silver, with shots of pink highlights. A banner hung across the stage proclaimed the evening ‘A Starry Masquerade’, and a glittering archway painted white and covered with streamers in pink, purple and blue stood proudly in a corner, beside which couples were lining up with their arms around each other, giggling and kissing while they waited to be photographed.

Alec’s lips twitched, and he glanced over at Magnus. “Anyone comment on the colour theme?”

Magnus scoffed. “Of course not. Only your sister. Silver, pink, purple and blue? Perfectly normal.”

Smiling, Alec looked back round. The lights were dim, the place resembling a clear, shimmering nighttime, and music blared from the speakers. Food had been set up along one side of the hall, around which a good half of the students had congregated. The rest were standing on the space cleared for dancing—some of them were dancing, but most were talking and laughing in groups, clearly waiting for more people to arrive before they joined in the madness.

“Why the masquerade thing?” Alec asked.

His eyes flickered across the multitude of faces he couldn’t quite recognise from their spot by the door, due to the array of varyingly elaborate masks that concealed the top halves of their faces. He could see Isabelle and Clary standing over by the food, Clary lifting up Jace’s mask to kiss him, a laugh on her lips. The sight made his heart ache.

Magnus shrugged. “Because starry night is an amazing theme, but it’s common. We wanted to make it more interesting.”

Alec shrugged. “Fair. Shall we go in?”

Magnus nodded, and held out his hand. “Yeah. Let’s go mingle.”

Alec clasped his hand, and, together, they headed through the throngs of people towards their friends.

*******

**Say what you wanna say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave  
**

*******

With hindsight, saying yes to Alec’s suggestion that they go to the prom together had been, in Magnus’ not so humble opinion, an absolutely cataclysmic error of judgement.

Weaving through people to get a drink with their arms linked had been practically impossible, so Magnus had reached down to grab Alec’s hand and drag him over, instead. Of course, walking around at prom, dressed to the nines with Alec’s palm pressed against his, set all sorts of fantasies snowballing in Magnus’ mind. Fantasies about being there as each other’s dates. Fantasies about slow dancing. Fantasies about slow dancing with their arms around each other, and an entirely platonic arrangement culminating in a Disney-style kiss to the sound of some romantic love song playing through the hall.

Magnus really hoped someone had spiked the punch. He wasn’t sure how he’d get through the night without a shot of something.

“I wonder what happened to Simon,” Magnus said, sipping his drink and trying desperately not to think about the way the cranberry juice was staining Alec’s lips an evermore appealing colour.

Alec shook his head, smiling fondly. “He’s probably hiding in the bathroom. Or– Oh, no, he’s there.”

“Where?”

“There.”

Alec set his free hand on Magnus’ shoulder to turn him around, and leant in close to speak in his ear as compensation for the volume of the music. It made goosebumps rise across the back of Magnus’ neck.

“Ah.” Magnus hoped his voice came out a little steadier that he felt. “He found Maureen, then.”

Alec’s lips twitched. “At least he’s trying.”

Magnus shrugged as diplomatically as he could. “Trying is the word, yes.”

A smack landed lightly on his shoulder, and Magnus turned, mock outrage in his eyes, to find Alec trying desperately not to laugh.

“You’re terrible,” Alec told him. “Come on. Let’s go over and help him out.”

“What a Good Samaritan you are.”

They made small talk with Simon and Maureen for a few minutes, but Magnus couldn’t help keep glancing over to the dance floor. He wanted to dance. Specifically, he wanted to dance with Alec. Even if it didn’t end in a Disney kiss.

“Hey.” He touched Alec’s elbow. “Wanna dance?”

Alec looked at the dance floor, hesitated, and then looked back at Magnus. “I—”

“Well well well.”

All of them turned at the sound of a sneering voice. Sebastian stood behind them with his arms folded across his chest in a manner that suggested he thought he had muscles to show off. Magnus would have been really very happy to show him that he had nothing to boast about.

“What do you want?” Magnus demanded.

Try as he might, he couldn’t delete the image of Sebastian and Camille with their tongues down each other’s throats and their hands in each other’s pants at Lorenzo’s party from his mind. He’d never been more drunk than he was then, but he remembered it like someone had seared the event into his brain. It flashed behind his eyes every time he looked at Sebastian.

As though he could read Magnus’ thoughts, Sebastian smirked. “Not still worked up about Camille, are you, Bane? Thought you’d be over that by now, with your...tendencies.”

Alec bristled beside him, and looked Sebastian up and down with sheer disgust. “What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing. Just pointing out Bane’s slutty behaviour.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Alec snapped, taking half a step forward. Magnus put a hand on his forearm before he could do anything rash.

“Did you want something?” Magnus asked again, while, beside him, Alec was practically quivering with rage. “Or are you just here to gloat?”

“No, not at all. Just reminding you that you and Camille are both favourites to be coronated tonight. Which will involve a dance. The school is buzzing with excitement about their favourite couple getting back together.”

Magnus snorted. “Right. Yeah. In her dreams.”

“Mm.” Sebastian levelled him with a cooly amused look. “And I wanted to let you in on a little piece of gossip, Lightwood. Or, rather, gossip that I’m about to spread, as soon as I’ve finished giving you this nice heads up.”

Alec blinked, clearly taken aback. “What?”

“Yes, see, I know your dirty little secret.”

Alec froze. “What? What dirty little secret? What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m afraid I know that you’re a fag. And the whole school is about to, too.”

Magnus scoffed. “How could you possibly know something like that?”

Sebastian shrugged. “It was just a guess, actually. But Lightwood’s face there has given me all the confirmation I need.”

“You’re a sick, twisted bastard,” Magnus growled. “You don’t out people for fun. What the hell has Alec ever done to you?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Nothing. But everyone needs a bit of prom gossip.”

“I hate to break it to you, Sebastian, but this isn’t going to have the effect you want it to,” Simon said, calmly. “Everyone knows Magnus is bisexual. Everyone knows Aline is, in her words, a giant lesbian. They’re not going to care.”

“We’ll see.” Sebastian wiggled his fingers at them as he began to walk backwards into the crowd. “Toodles!”

Magnus whirled round to face Alec and gripped his shoulders tightly. He could see the panic descending on his friend, and he knew he needed to get through to him before Alec had a panic attack in the middle of prom.

“Alexander. Listen to me. Simon’s right. Nobody is going to care. School has practically finished anyway, and you’ll never have to see anyone here again. But they are not going to care. It’s their prom too. They have more interesting things to talk about.”

“Like the fact that Kaelie’s decided to get an abortion,” Maureen said, and Simon nodded fervently beside her.

“Like that,” Magnus acknowledged, after a brief moment’s hesitation, because he didn’t really want to condone gossiping about the poor girl, even if she was Maureen’s friend. “Don’t let Sebastian ruin tonight for you. It’s going to be okay.”

Alec inhaled deeply. “What if it’s not?” he asked, searching Magnus’ eyes with something akin to desperation. “What if it’s not, Magnus?”

“It will be. And if it’s not, we’re all right here. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Hm?”

Alec held his gaze for several seconds longer, and then exhaled slowly, some of the tension beginning of dissipate. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Magnus said, and reached down to squeeze his fingers lightly. “Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Good.” Magnus smiled. “Anyone else hitting the dance floor?”

*******

**With what you want to say  
And let the words fall out  
Honestly I wanna see you be brave  
**

*******

Dancing wasn’t exactly top of Alec’s list of loves, so Magnus found himself in amongst the mass of teenagers bopping along to the overly loud music with Aline Penhallow and Isabelle, who’d left Meliorn with Aline’s girlfriend, a sour look on his face.

“If your boyfriend scowls any harder, he might burst into flames,” Aline said, lips curling up in a smirk as she danced along to Amy Winehouse with significantly more grace and style than most other people making awkward attempts at looking cool.

“Meliorn’s always scowling,” Isabelle said, sighing. “He’s not miserable, he just doesn’t smile.”

“Maybe you need someone more cheerful,” Magnus said, carefully, making sure he didn’t cast his gaze about for Simon. Isabelle was really rather oblivious to Simon’s hopeless adoration of her, and Magnus suspected he’d rather keep it that way.

“Maybe.” She shot him an odd sort of look. “Speaking of, how are you and my brother doing?”

A grin crossed Magnus’ face. “Darling, much as I adore your brother, he is not cheerful. Quite the opposite.”

Isabelle shrugged. “He always seems pretty cheerful when you’re around.”

If Isabelle was going to keep saying things like that, they were going to have a problem. Magnus’ heart couldn’t take that kind of abuse. Even if it was entirely unwitting.

God, he was a mess.

Isabelle tilted her head slightly to the side, surveying him through the intricate swirls of her masquerade mask. She didn’t miss a beat in her casual, easy dancing, but Magnus could see that something he’d done had caught her attention.

But, of course, Isabelle didn’t say any of the things he was expecting.

“Where are you going to university?”

“Oh. Columbia. Chemistry.”

“Not Cornell?” she asked, arching an eyebrow, and Magnus shook his head.

“I didn’t get an offer at Cornell.”

“Alec’s going to NYU. To do law.”

“I know,” Magnus said, a little confused by the conversation. “He did amazingly.”

“Mm.” She pressed her lips together. “So did you, you know.”

“Well, thank you.”

Isabelle smiled faintly. “Sorry. I was just wondering whether you were staying close or jetting off somewhere.”

“I thought about LA, for a while, but...” Magnus did his best not to glance over his shoulder and seek out Alec in the crowd. “I like New York. And I obviously don’t really have any money. And part of me just...wants to stay close to people I know. Besides, I’ve had so much upheaval and turmoil, it seems nice to stay. At least for now.”

“I get that,” she said, nodding. “This sounds selfish, but I was hoping you were staying in New York. Because I love you, of course–” she flashed him a grin “–but also because Alec does.”

Magnus offered her a hand as the song changed, and Isabelle laughed when he spun her around and into a loose hold, the two of them swaying together with the ease and familiarity of people who were practically family.

“Alec was part of it,” Magnus admitted. “He’s always part of it.”

Something flashed through Isabelle’s eyes, but it was gone practically the moment it appeared. She smiled at him and changed the subject, and Magnus forgot he’d seen anything at all.

*******

**I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I wanna see you be brave**

*******

Almost the moment Alec and Simon finally found themselves a table to hide at, Magnus appeared, collapsing into the seat beside Alec and flopping dramatically against his chest with a groan.

Simon smothered his laughter with his hand, and Alec patted Magnus consolingly.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’s okay,” Alec said, struggling to contain his grin at Magnus’ behaviour.

“Raphael is exhausting,” Magnus told him, and Alec decided not to question him any further. Magnus frowned up at him. “Also, it’s my senior prom, we’ve been here for two hours, and you haven’t danced with me yet.”

Alec raised his eyebrows. “Magnus, we both know I can’t dance.”

“No, I know you can dance perfectly fine, as evidenced by your not-so-private jamming sessions, you’re just embarrassed about it.” He stood up again, grabbing Alec’s hand without waiting for a response. “Come on. You’ll be fine.”

Alec tried to resist. “Magnus...”

Magnus huffed at him, and, even with his masquerade mask concealing the top half of his face - and Alec still wasn’t sure whether that was a blessing or a curse - Alec could see him roll his eyes with a truly unnecessary amount of drama.

“Please?” Magnus said, giving him the sort of wide-eyed look that Alec had never been able to say no to. “You’re supposed to be my date.”

“Your platonic date.”

“Whatever.” Magnus waved a hand dismissively. “You’re my prom date, and you’re my best friend, this is obligatory.”

“Fine,” Alec conceded. “One dance. Because I’m a good friend.”

Magnus beamed at him. “You’re the best,” he said, and Alec cursed whatever deities may or may not have existed for the way those words made his heart turn over and his breaths stutter.

Magnus pulled him through to an apparently satisfactory spot on the dance floor with ease. The flashing lights cast bright streams of silver off of the spinning disco ball overhead, but the lights were low, and the music so loud that he could barely hear anything. As he spun around, he felt his entire world narrow to the rhythmic, infectious sounds of ABBA’s Dancing Queen, and Magnus.

Not that his world was ever anything but Magnus.

“C’mere,” Magnus said, tugging him closer by the hand and placing his other hand on Alec’s shoulder as he began to sway and shift to the music, eyes bright. Unconsciously, Alec found himself mirroring Magnus’ movements, pulled along on the tide of the moment.

And, for a moment, it was fine. It was _nice_. Magnus’ hand in his, dancing close, but not _too_ close, smiling at each other and laughing when they bashed into other people and moved the wrong way and sung along to the song while pulling increasingly silly expressions. For a moment, Alec could forget that his irrevocable adoration for the boy in front of him had the power to destroy their friendship. He could forget that his feelings were utterly unrequited. He could just enjoy this evening, high off laughter and music and food and the twinkle in Magnus’ eyes that was brighter than any starry night.

Then he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, and the uncomfortable sensation of being watched washed over him. Foolishly, he glanced away from Magnus, the existence of the rest of the world crashing down on him.

“Magnus,” he said self-consciously, movements stuttering as hesitation and nerves threatened to overwhelm him. “People are staring at us.”

“Let them,” Magnus replied easily, not breaking his gaze away from Alec’s for a moment.

“But—”

“Hey.” Magnus reached up to touch the back of his fingers to Alec’s jaw. His touch was so infinitely tender that it made something deep inside Alec ache with desire and desperation and emotion that he could never express. “It’s okay. We’re just dancing. Alright, so Sebastian found out your secret and wants to make it a big deal, so what? You’ve told everyone who matters, and we all still love you. Let them stare. If they care, it’s only because we’re the hottest couple on the dance floor without even being a couple.”

Alec smiled weakly, astounded, as he always was, by how easily Magnus managed to calm him.

“I haven’t told my parents,” Alec said. “What if—?”

“Alexander, I said everyone who matters.” Magnus smiled wryly, and Alec shrugged, as though to say _touché_. “Clary and Isabelle were dancing. Jace and Simon danced. They’re all friends, they’re just straight, so nobody looks twice. It’s okay, Alec. We—”

Abruptly, horror washed over Magnus’ face, and he seemed to freeze in Alec’s hold as he spotted something across the room. Alec blinked in confusion and looked over his shoulder, following Magnus’ gaze as he tried to work out why—

Oh.

Camille had just walked in, decked out in a black and silver dress that hugged her figure and shimmered every time she moved. She was laughing, head thrown back to expose the slender length of her neck, but there was nothing warm about her smile.

Magnus’ steps faltered. A couple crashed into him, and Alec spared a moment to shoot them a glare before returning his attention to Magnus.

“Hey.” He squeezed Magnus’ hand, his own panic forgotten in the face of Magnus’. “Magnus. Hey.”

Magnus looked back at him. Even with the barrier of his mask, the colour had drained from Magnus’ face.

“I can’t dance with her.”

Alec shook his head. “You don’t have to.”

“I do if we both win.”

He said it so frankly that Alec swallowed. Magnus was right. They were both favourites. And he knew that Camille would take the opportunity to make it as miserable and unpleasant for Magnus as she possibly could.

Alec shrugged. He felt helpless, but he wasn’t going to let Magnus know that. “Then you have to dance with her. It’ll be shit, but you’ll get through it, because you’re awesome and she’s not. And afterwards, I’ll come find you and make you forget all about it.”

Magnus laughed a little. “Why are you always so good to me?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Alec smiled. “Come on. You’ve made me dance. I need a drink.”

*******

**I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
See you be brave**

*******

Alec didn’t really understand the point of crowning a Prom King and Queen. It always seemed so pointless, and yet everyone placed so much value on it. Alright, all of the girls looked very beautiful - although, frankly, all of the girls who weren’t on stage looked very beautiful too - and Alec appreciated the cut of Magnus’ suit, even if he hated every other boy on stage, but it was all for show. They were smiling, all six of them, but Alec felt sure they’d all cut each other to pieces if given half a chance.

Well. Except maybe Magnus. He’d only let himself be nominated because of—

“Camille Belcourt!”

Up on stage, Magnus winced, but clapped politely along with everyone else. Positioning herself front and centre, Camille preened under the attention, tossing her hair over her shoulder and smiling flirtatiously around at the room. A glint shone in her eyes, like the sharp edge of a dagger. Alec despised her.

“Magnus Bane!”

Cheers went up around the room, more genuine than the whoops and the cat-calls that had sounded for Camille. Magnus stepped forwards gracefully, leaving at least six inches of space between himself and Camille.

Discomfort was clear on Magnus’ face as the pair of them got crowned, and music started up while the gathered students cleared a space for Magnus and Camille to share their customary dance.

Camille held out her hand pointedly when Magnus made no move towards her. With a visible sigh, Magnus clasped her hand loosely, spun on his heel with a stiltedness more indicative of his discomfort than words could ever have been, and put his other hand on her waist as they began to dance.

“She’s evil,” Isabelle said from beside him.

Alec glanced down at her, noting the tight purse of her lips and the tense hold of her shoulders, and nodded his agreement.

“I don’t know why Magnus didn’t withdraw from the running,” Simon said from the other side of Isabelle. “He must have known this would happen.”

“I don’t know either,” Alec admitted, fixing his gaze back on his best friend and tightening his grip on his drink in an attempt to channel the hatred he felt bubbling in his veins.

The look on Magnus’ face made Alec want to drag Camille away by her stupid, perfect hair and smack her in her stupid, perfect face, and expose her heart for all its stupid, perfect cruelty. He wanted to ruin her for ever hurting Magnus.

But he couldn’t.

Instead, he set down his glass with a bang, making Simon jump and Isabelle stare over at him worriedly, and began shoving his way through the crowd that had formed in a circle around Magnus and Camille.

Camille was smirking at Magnus, fluttering her eyelashes as she whispered to him, inching steadily further into his personal space. He could see Magnus’ jaw tightening with every word she spoke, Adam’s apple bobbing as he searched desperately for an escape. The sheer misery in his eyes spoke volumes. Alec wasn’t going to let him suffer another second.

Other students were just beginning to join in the dancing, having exhausted the entertainment they could get from their prom King and Queen dancing together. Most of the school had probably been expecting a passionate reunion in light of the election. Now it was clear there wouldn’t be one, there was little more to be gained from watching them.

Alec pushed past the last people, stepped into the emptier inner circle, and laid a hand on Magnus’ forearm, halting the progress of the couple.

“Sorry,” he said, with absolutely no sense of apology in his tone at all. “May I cut in?”

Camille sneered at him. “This is the dance between the prom King and Queen. Of which you are neither.”

“Thanks,” Alec said, taking Magnus’ hand the moment Magnus had extracted himself from Camille’s grip and spinning them around so that Magnus didn’t have to look at her while the song finished.

Magnus’ eyes were glistening as Alec looked down at him, but he smiled when their eyes met.

“You hate dancing,” Magnus stated, the set of his shoulders loosening with every passing second.

Alec shrugged. “Not with you. Besides, I couldn’t watch any more of that. It was entirely selfish. Way too heterosexual.”

Magnus laughed. “You came out to me two months ago, and you’re already making these jokes at every opportunity.”

“What can I say? They’ve been building up for five years.”

Magnus’ expression softened. Alec couldn’t resist.

Still swaying, although not really dancing anymore as the song switched to something slower, Alec reached out to lift up Magnus’ mask. It was beautiful in its details, with all the silvery swirls and beautiful etchings, but it hid something far more so.

Alec’s heart tightened in his chest when he pulled the mask all the way off, gently so as not to hurt Magnus. He thumbed away a stray tear from the corner of Magnus’ eye, and, god, he wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.

Gazing at him, Alec didn’t realise that Magnus was reaching up, too, until he felt the pressure leaving his face and his hair shifting, and the world became just slightly brighter as his own mask was removed.

“Has anyone told you that you look absolutely dashing?” Magnus asked, one corner of his mouth turning up as Alec’s world narrowed, as it so often did, to the boy - the man - in front of him, and nothing else.

Alec shook his head, heart jackrabbiting against his ribs. “So do you.”

Something impossibly soft crossed Magnus’ face, lingering in his eyes and turning them to liquid. The shots of silver through the black of Magnus’ suit shimmered as he moved, but they paled in comparison to Magnus himself. He was gorgeous, ethereal, and Alec could feel the soft scratch of his stubble against the palm of his hand as he withdrew it, letting it fall back to Magnus’ waist.

“Can I get one more dance out of you?” Magnus asked, thumbing the deep blue of Alec’s jacket as he glanced up the few short inches between them from beneath his lashes. It was so enticing that Alec nearly cracked.

“One more,” Alec found himself saying, lips turning up despite the lingering pain in his heart that never quite faded, no matter how utterly, impossibly happy he was, standing on a dance floor with Magnus, closer than friends should have been but not quite close enough to really cross the line. “Because I’m really, really nice.”

“You are,” Magnus said, sounding absolutely serious.

“Do I have to put the mask back on?” Alec asked, glancing down at it in Magnus’ hand.

“Hm, no.” Magnus ruffled his hair lightly, pushing it back off Alec’s forehead and letting it flop back down again. “I quite like being able to see your face.”

Alec grinned at him, the comment catching him pleasantly off-guard. “Ditto.”

Magnus grinned right back, tossing his arms easily around Alec’s shoulders. “Come on. I want my one more dance.”

Alec rolled his eyes good-naturedly, but complied, fitting his arms loosely around Magnus’ waist, the mask still held in one hand.

“That’s more like it,” Magnus said, leaning up to press a fleeting kiss to his cheek that had Alec’s heart tripping and squirming in his chest.

  
*******

**I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
I just wanna see you  
See you be brave**

*******

“Alec!”

Magnus turned at the sound of Maryse’s voice calling to her eldest son. There was pride shining in her eyes as she strode through the crowds of people milling about after their class’ graduation ceremony.

Maryse pulled Alec into a tight hug. Alec blinked in clear surprise, before hugging her back just as firmly. He’d come out to Maryse a week ago, and there’d been something noticeably easier about their relationship ever since.

The sight of Maryse pulling back to cup Alec’s face and kiss him and offer him her own sharp sort of praise elicited an uncomfortable stirring in Magnus’ stomach. Nostalgia and wistfulness and the painful sting of regret caught in his throat, and he had to turn away before he cried at his own goddamn graduation. That would have made a wholly pathetic end to his high school career.

Despite the warmth of the sun beating down on them from overhead, Magnus felt cold. Everywhere he looked, there were his classmates being hugged and congratulated by their families. Laughter could be heard from all directions, bright and happy on everyone’s faces.

Everyone but him, of course. Because he didn’t have a family. Luke was there, somewhere, but he’d said his congratulations to Magnus and then been dragged away by Jocelyn to talk to Simon. Magnus understood, of course he did - he was Luke’s teenage housemate far more than his family - but he couldn’t help wishing, desperately, that his own mother was there to see him graduate.

“Magnus!”

The call snapped him out of his thoughts, and he plastered a neutral, pleasant sort of expression on his face as he turned back towards Maryse, who was standing with her arm around Alec’s shoulders. Mother and son watched him with knowing looks, compassionate and reproachful.

“Come here,” Maryse said, beckoning him forwards with a wave of her hand.

Magnus glanced at Alec, who merely smiled at him, and acquiesced. The moment he was within touching distance, Maryse wrapped him up in a hug, squeezing him just as tightly as she had Alec.

“Don’t be stupid, Magnus,” she murmured. “You didn’t really think we’d leave you alone today, did you?”

Emotion tightened around Magnus’ throat, and he found himself unable to reply. Instead, he searched out Alec’s hand, and gripped on when he found it.

“I wish–” His breath hitched, and he felt Alec switch hands so he could put his arm around Magnus’ shoulders, too. “I wish she could have been here.”

“We know,” Maryse said. “She would have been proud of you.”

“I hope so.” He pulled back, away from their embrace, and wiped quickly under his eyes. “Thank you.”

“What do you want to do now?” Alec asked.

Magnus hesitated, glancing over his shoulder at all the people, elated and cheering and surrounded by their families, and he winced. He couldn’t take that away from Alec. But—

“Magnus.” Alec managed to reprimand him with just the slight arch of an eyebrow. “Whatever you want. We’re going out to dinner with everyone later, but we’ve got all afternoon free.”

“Coffee and ice cream?”

Alec grinned at him, and, despite everything, Magnus found himself smiling back.

“Coffee and ice cream it is. See you later, Mom,” he said, ducking his head to kiss her cheek.

She laughed, swatting Alec away. “See you later, boys.”

Alec grabbed his hand in his, their fingers slotting together with a familiarity born of so many years of friendship. “Ready?”

Magnus nodded. “Ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one! Let me know what you thought, and, as always, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://notcrypticbutcoy.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) and on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lucysrebelheart?lang=en)
> 
> Much love,  
> Lu <3


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